Update...

My 16 week appointment was yesterday - extremely nervous with this appointment but all still seems to be going well which I am SO thankful for!! We got more ultrasound pictures - I think I could put a book together with how many ultrasound pictures we have gotten over the past 12 weeks. I started feeling the babies move so that was very exciting. I already gained 10 pounds... 10 more to go by June 5 according to my doctor....I go back again in 2 weeks.

I am excited to be coming back to my home town this weekend for the festival and to see family.. but mother's day is going to be a bit hard this year because I am a mother to a child who will not be here and it just makes me sad all over again - there still isn't a single day that goes by where I don't think of Troy... so Sunday we will be making a special trip to visit his grave site. I know how blessed I am to have Brevin in my life and to be pregnant again but it does not take away the pain of losing Troy - I miss him and always will.

Happy Mother's day to everyone... to those who have children.. those who have lost children and pregnancies and to those who long to be mothers... because no matter what.. we are all mothers and we all deserve to be recognized and not forgotten.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

My appointment with the Perinatalogist went well on Friday - I am extremely nervous because Mike was not able to come with me - I fear appointments where I have to go by myself - bless Mike's heart - he tries really hard to be there for me and 99% of the time he is but he just was not able to this time. I got there 20 minutes early but they took me right in and immediately did an ultrasound - I can never look at the screen right away because I am SO scared of what I might see.. or what I might not see... but right away the tech said she had both heartbeats in view so then I looked and saw both babies - they are getting bigger! They are still measuring really well and their heart rates are at 153 - both of them exactly at 153... I am thinking boys! Brevin's heartbeat at this stage was also at 153. After the ultrasound I met with my Dr. and we talked for 45 minutes about everything - he said the chromosome test came back negative so that was good. We also talked about nutrition and weight gain - he wants me to gain 20 pounds by 20 weeks - by June 5 - he said that weight gain is going to help these babies stay healthy... he gave me 2 books to read on nutrition... what to expect... what to do... what not to do.. etc...
He took me off 2 medications, the lovenox (blood thinner shots) and the progesterone.. but still on the 3 vitamins a day and some baby asprin.

I will be 14 weeks on Tuesday so I am officially in my second trimester - little did I know that 1 - 13 weeks is first trimester - I thought 12 weeks but anyway. I am going to see him again on May 5 and every two weeks after that till about 20 weeks then I might start going every week.

All-in-all... things are still going well - I am slowly letting myself get excited - it is hard, I will admit.

Every appointment that I make it to is SUCH a milestone... a miracle to me. God is amazing and I am just so grateful!

A good weekend

This Easter weekend was a lot of fun... my parents came over for the whole weekend - I always miss my parents but I never realize how much until I see them. My Dad and Mike... along with Mr. Kris, as Brev calls him, worked hard on our basement - we are in the process of finishing it so our church can meet at our house - we are currently meeting at our house - just in our living room on Sundays but we will have more room downstairs soon as it is finished. My Mom worked hard on helping me clean my house.. although she did most of it... I felt bad about it but she kept insisting... it really was nice. We had a very nice church service at our house - I was outside with Trina and all the kids doing an egg hunt around our house - it was fun and we were so thankful for such good weather - the kids loved being outside.
After church... Kris and Trina and their children stayed and joined us for Easter dinner with my Mom and Dad - it was wonderful. Kris and Trina's son Josiah had Easter pizza for dinner and Brevin has Easter pancakes for dinner - neither wanted any part of what us adults were eating - it was cute. It was just such a nice time... a fun day.

I am feeling pretty good so far today - I was feeling okay this weekend - I had some moments where I just had to lay down. Tomorrow I will be at 13 weeks - I will admit that I am starting to get a bit nervous although I am trying not too - I am getting closer and closer to the point where I lost Troy last year and I just hope and pray for a miracle to God that I will make it right through that date and keep on going with these babies. My next appointment is this Friday.

I just want to say thank you again to everyone who is praying for us - the support is so wonderful and ovewhelming in such a good way... I am so thankful to God for such awesome family and friends that he put in our lives - it is your prayers, thoughts, comments and cards that are getting us through each day. Thank you!!

April 7, 2009

I had another appointment today in Ann Arbor - Babies are still doing well - we have the chromosome tests done today - it was just an ultrasound where they did a bunch of measurements and they also drew my blood - they are checking for 4 different possible chromosomal problems - we won't know the results for about 10 days but it was just great to see the babies again and to see them moving around.

I have come down with a horrible cold with aches and a slight fever - which worries me because you really don't want to have a fever while pregnant so I just hope this all clears up soon. It is Tuesday so again I got sick this morning - I don't understand why Tuesdays but at least it is predictable right?

God is amazing and we are so thankful again for this appointment - that we got to see our babies.

I am off to lay down now!

Appointment

Psalm 30:12
"that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!"

I had my appointment today with the Perinatologist and I am so thankful for a good appointment. Mike and I first walked into the ultrasound room - it was very dark in there with a TV screen on the wall infront of us - here we go, I thought to myself... I was so nervous to look at the screen - but the second the nurse put that wand on my belly there we saw on the TV the two most sweetest hearbeats and the two babies moving around - we got to see both of their heads and arms and legs and we even heard the heartbeats.. the sweetest sounds I will have ever heard... Mike held my hand and I just teared up because they were doing okay and to see them moving was such a blessing! We got wonderful pictures of our babies - I wish I had a scanner so I could post them on here. They are measuring at 11 weeks 3 days and 11 weeks 4 days.

After the ultrasound we sat down with a nurse and the doctor to talk about my previous pregnancies... this pregnancy and just about everything... my regular OB doctor had called this doctor to discuss my prenatal care while I was there and both were in agreement that I should continue to see the perinatologist so... I have a new doctor and now a new hospital to deliver at - the hospital in Howell only takes deliveries from 36 weeks on but the one in Ann Arbor is a hospital that is prepared for premature deliveries before 35 weeks so that is where I am going to go and that way I don't have to be trasferred from one hospital to another - I will be right where I need to be. I will be seeing this dr a lot - I have an appointment set up already for next week and also for the week after that.

I am SOOO thankful to God for another wonderful appointment and that we got to see these tiny miracles that are growing inside of me!

I'm still feeling sick and tired - Tuesdays for some reason seem to be my mornings to get sick - no idea why but that is totally fine with me... pasta seems to help.. I did get these preggie pops... candy drops that are supposed to settle the sick feeling but I can't even eat those now - water is hard to drink but if I dump a lot of lemon juice in it.. it really helps.. along with milk mixed with Carnation Instant Breakfast mix - that is so yummy - I could drink that all day long.

Thank you again for all your prayers - we feel them all and will always be so grateful for all your support!!

I had my appointment today with my OB... it went really well - both babies are measuring well and have good heartbeats. Baby A was moving all over the place - even waved to Mike and I... baby B moved a bit also but not as much - we couldn't get a good picture on baby B and that made me a bit nervous but the doctor didn't seem concerned - with baby A.. we could make out the whole body - face and all but we couldn't do that with baby B... but they are both measuring to date so I just hope and pray that all is okay with baby B. We have an appointment with the Perinatalogist next week Tuesday.

I am feeling the morning sickness through out the day but I really take that as a good sign - as horrible as it is to feel lousy.. I am still so thankful that I do feel lousy.

Thank you again for all your prayers - Mike and I would not be able to get through this without every single one of you - we are SOOO blessed to have such wonderful family and friends!!

Thank you God for a great appointment today and that we got to see both babies, each day is a new gift from You!!

Just an update - I had another ultrasound appointment this past Wednesday and all looked good - one of the babies was moving all over the place which was so cool to see. The other baby was not moving at all and that really worried me but the doctor assured me that it was fine. They are measuring well and still have hearts beating which is such a blessing to see. They ran a bunch of blood work on me and all came out fine so I am thankful for that. I have an appointment with a Perinatologist in Ann Arbor on March 31 (high risk doctor). I see my regular ob next week Wednesday and will most likely have another ultrasound.
So... that is my update in a nutshell. We appreciate ALL the prayers and the calls and cards/notes and e-mails - means more to us than anything... just knowing we have so much support it brings me to tears.... God is in total control of this and we just need to keep our faith in him... I am praying for a miracle!!

A new chapter

Well... we are moving into a new chapter of our lives - if you haven't heard already (and I truely apologize if you haven't) but we are expecting again... it honestly happened fast but we are so excited and so scared. I found out I was pregnant on February 7 - took a home pregnancy test that came out positive... it was confirmed with a blood test that following Monday. We had our first appointment 2 weeks later where we learned we were expecting twins! Yes.. 2 babies. At first one of the babies measured behind so we weren't sure if maybe there was something wrong or if one just implanted later than the other... the next ultrasound show that all was okay - we saw their beating hearts - such a sweet thing to see. We just had another ultrasound today - I am over 8 weeks now and all is still looking well - I couldn't help but cry after today's appointment - we are just SO blessed that God gave us another chance... AND 2 babies. We are just now praying for a miracle that these babies will grow healthy and that we will hold healthy babies in our arms come October.

For now - I am seeing my doctor every week - because we have no idea what happened with Troy and the pregnancy back in 2006 - he is just monitoring me more. I am on a blood thinning medication - a shot that I have to give myself everyday as precaution and I am on 3 vitamins a day, progesterone and baby asprin. So far it is going well. I was scared at first because I felt so good - I was literally begging God to make me feel sick because that makes me feel better mentally... knowing that those babies are in there and taking all that they need from me. Well.. now I am feeling sick all day long - not throwing up but I seem close at times but I am SOOOO thankful for it all.

For anyone that is reading this - I.. we.. just ask for prayers for this pregnancy. Like I said.. I am just praying for a miracle - these babies are already a miracle and I am so thankful to God!!

Devotional

When the Future Seems Uncertain
by Rick Warren


“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans … to give you a future and a hope … You will find me when you seek me, if you look for me in earnest.” Jeremiah 29:11, 13 (LB)


*** *** *** ***


No matter what the pollsters, pundits, and prognosticators claim, no one can accurately predict all that is going to happen in the next year, let alone the next few days or weeks. Our best forecasts are just educated guesses.


Change is not only increasing in speed and intensity, but also in unpredictability. How can anyone succeed when the future is so uncertain?


The Bible suggests three timeless principles for facing an uncertain future:


1. Set goals according to God’s direction. It’s foolish to make plans without first consulting God. He’s the only one who does know the future – and he’s eager to guide you through it.


The Bible says, “We may make our plans, but God has the last word” (Proverbs 16:1 GNT). In other words, planning without praying is presumption. Start by praying, “God, what do you want me to do in 2009?”


2. Live one day at a time. While you can plan for tomorrow, you can’t live it until it arrives. Most people spend so much time regretting the past and worrying about the future, they have no time to enjoy today!


John Lennon once wrote, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” Decide to make the most of each moment this year. Jesus said, “Don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time” (Matthew 6:34 LB).


3. Don’t procrastinate. Do it now! “Don’t boast about what you’re going to do tomorrow, for you don’t know what a day may bring forth” (Proverbs 27:1).


Procrastinating is a subtle trap. It wastes today by postponing things until tomorrow. You promise yourself that you’ll do it “one of these days.” But “one of these days” is usually “none of these days.”


What did you plan to get done last year that you didn’t do? When do you intend to start working on it?

My week so far

Honestly... this week has just been a bit emotional for me - physically I have been pretty busy - with Brev's school - helping in his class and aiding in the 3's class plus putting more hours in at work but just feeling down... I swear... If I hear one more person announce their pregnancy.. I think I am going to scream - I know that sounds horrible - I honestly could not be happier for them and I just pray their baby's are healthy and that they have a very healthy pregnancy with amazing outcomes!! It is just extrememly hard watching friends and just people I know whether from work or just people I see at the grocery store living out what I dream for the most. It is hard seeing it be so easy for most and so hard for us... to want something so bad but to only watch others get what I want so much... I sound SO selfish and I hate that also... I have just been in this mode lately where I just keep repeating to myself that I may never have another child - over and over again - I just want to be able to accept it - maybe if I keep saying it I will accept it but I am no where near close to that yet... it still kills me that Brev may be an only child - I don't want that for him.. I never have but I may be forced to just accept it.. that might be what it is and there is nothing I can do about it but it is SO hard seeing the rest of the world grow their families.... just a rough start to this week I guess but hopefully my "business" will get me through and hopefully mask some of my emotions... next week will be better right? Now that I vented and had a good cry.. I feel just a bit better.

January 26, 2009

I honestly don't know what to post but it has been a while... we are back with our infertility doctor - trying to figure things out and moving forward - I'm both excited and extremely scared... just not sure what to think of all of this but we will see what happens. I am super busy this week - we are short on staff at the gym so I am working every night this week plus Brevin has a Nature Center trip on Wednesday morning... I get to go with him - that should be fun and then I work in his classroom on Friday - I am hoping for a very relaxing Saturday!

January 7, 2009

I feel horrible - it was brought to my attention by a friend of mine that I have been really pulling away.. they thought I was mad for some reason because I have not been communicating as much as I used to. I seriously don't mean for it to come off this way.. I know I have been more to myself and not really keeping in touch with friends... I am still on this emotional rollercoaster - I have up and down days... It is really hard not knowing if our future holds anymore children for Mike and I... wondering if Brev will be an only child which I never wanted to happen but I have NO control over that... I feel like no one understands that sometimes because so many that I know have no problems having babies and they don't know what it is like to feel this way... so I guess I feel alone in this and that is why I have been pulling away from friends... I just don't want anyone to feel like I am mad because that is not what I am. I am just still searching for some kind of peace in all of this - I will be honest that it is very hard to find... I just hope this year will bring more ups than downs... that is my prayer to God... that no matter what happens.. that I can see the positives in my life.

The New Year

Christmas came and went so fast... like it does every year. I did MUCH better through it all than I thought I would... the Christmas Eve service was a little tough - lots of people there with their infants and just hearing the cries from those babies really hit me hard because I kept thinking about how we should have had a crying baby with us also... that was truely hard - I did run in to a co-worker at that service... someone that I used to work with 5-6 years ago and she thought I had 2 children so I explained briefly what had happened and I really about lost it. I thought of Troy the whole time through Christmas - all the parties that we had and how I missed SO much that he was not there with us. Even Mike broke down and told me how much he misses Troy - I think we both have that feeling of just wanting to hold him one more time... wishing we could have spent more time with him... also wishing I had more pictures of my sweet little boy. I so appreciate all the cards that we received during the holidays just saying that we were in the thoughts and prayers of those around us... I may have mentioned this before but I never was much of a card person but I really am now - I keep every single one - it is just such a comfort to me... knowing that others have not forgotten and are still thinking of us. Thank you!!

I got the most precious gift this year from Mike... a bracelet that says "A Mother holds her childrens hands for a short while but their hearts forever"


The other precious gift that I received was a necklace from Brevin - Mike took him shopping and that is what he wanted to get me and he picked out the necklace all by himself - it is a necklace that has 2 hearts on it... Brev told me when I opened up my gift that everytime I look at my necklace I can think of all the good things I have done for him... what a sweet thing for a 4 year old to say.... those 2 hearts on that necklace resemble to me the hearts of my 2 sweet boys.

Well...I am so ready for this new year - I just hope and pray that we will have more smiles and laughs this year than we did last year. I really want to renew my relationship with God as it has honestly been really rocky this past year... something I really need to work on!!

Here are some pictures from our Christmas this year...








I do wish everyone a very happy and healthy New Year!

Goldfish

I just thought I needed to post on my blog something more on the happy side - I read through my blog and it almost depresses me how unhappy all my posts seems - I know they are just my thoughts for that particular day and I can't help that they seem down but I just want to put something on here that is on a happy note.
My son makes me smile so much - today he decided he wanted to write a letter to Santa... so he brought me some paper and a marker since he cannot write yet.. except for his name which he is doing so well at.. and he told me what to write. Here is what the letter says.. all in his words... "Dear Santa, I'm going to be at Grandma B's house, I really want you to bring me a Hot Wheels case with Hot Wheels in it and I want a goldfish. I hope you have fun at the North Pole. Love, Brevin" I knew about the Hot Wheels case filled with Hot Wheels but he sprung on me the goldfish - I asked him why he suddenly wanted a goldfish and he told me it was because he still has not gotten one for giving up his binky. He did just give up his binky this year.. back in July and we kept telling him that when he gave it up he could get a goldfish but when it came time to get one... he decided he didn't want one and only wanted toys instead and it was never brought up by him again... till now... so now we need to find a way to get this boy a goldfish... from Santa... just a bit of a laugh for the day. I love how much he surprises Mike and I.. on a daily basis.. I am just glad he didn't ask for another dog or a cat.. eventhough I really do want a cat!

December 10, 2008

I am so happy that Christmas time is here - I just wish it was longer than it is - I could carry on with Christmas for months!! It's a bit hard this year... for the obvious reason. Pulling out the stockings to hang just made me sad - this is the third year of hoping for another stocking to hang up... the third year of hoping to add another member of the family on our Christmas card... the third year of hoping to hang new baby ornaments on our tree... and the third year of hoping to add another child to the grandkids picture that we take for Mom and Dad every year. It is hard not to be sad, mad and frustrated but I need to stay focused on what I do have - I just pray that God will keep me focused on the good and positive... what I have been so blessed with. I pray that I won't lose hope when it is very hard to think that there could be any hope. All I can do right now is just look at Brevin and realize how MUCH of a miracle that little boy is - I am SO blessed to have him and thankful to God for him!!

Pensacola Beach, Florida - Thanksgiving week

Mike, Brev and I had a WONDERFUL time in Pensacola Beach, Florida - it was such a nice family vacation - just to be where there are palm trees... that is pretty much all I need.. along with all the sea shells on the beach.
We drove there leaving Friday, the 21st right after Brev's Pow Wow at his school... we drove to just outside of Nashville and spent the night - got up early the next morning and then drove to Portofino on Pensacola Beach - we got there early and were not able to check in yet so we went to the grocery store to get some stuff to keep in the condo for the week. We were able to check in around 3pm and we stayed on the top floor of the tower - when we walked into our room - it literally took my breath away - I have never seen such a beautiful view - we were surrounded by water - the Santa Rosa Sound on our right and the Gulf of Mexico on our left. The condo itself was absolutely beautiful - I have never stayed in such an amazing place!













We really had a great week - the first few days were "cold" - cold for Florida.. about 55 to 65 degrees but we didn't complain - they had a spa on the resort and an indoor pool that was very warm - we also spent some of the warmer days (70 - 75 degrees) in the outdoor pools - there are 5 towers on the resort and each tower has a pool and hot tub and then outside of the spa there are pools and hot tubs and the indoor pool.







We were an hour behind in time so Brev never got used to the time change - he was up at 5:45-6:00am every morning - I didn't mind though - that meant we had more time to do stuff - I was on the beach almost every morning by 6:30am looking for shells - I could do that for hours and the shells were amazing!!!

We did.. or I should say Mike and Brev did a LOT of swimming in the pools - all Brevin wanted to do was swim. We did make a trip out to the National Naval Aviation Museum - Brev loved that - they had an area where you could sit in the airplanes - it was only half a plane but it was really was cool!!













On most days...we ate breakfast and lunch in our condo but ate out at night and we went to some really cool restaurants... our favorites were Hemmingway's - they had the best Lobster bisque and Key Lime dessert... we actually went back 2 more times just for the dessert to take back to our condo. Peg Leg Pete's Oyster Bar was also SO good - we had their crab meat stuffed crab claws, Mike had to try an Oyster Shooter - still don't know why - it looked awful!!! They are known for their Grouper so we both had Grouper sandwiches - Brev's meal came in a beach bucket - it was a lot of fun. We also ate at Surf Burger on the boardwalk - they have really good sandwiches for lunch there!!





The beach was amazing - I have never seen such a white sand beach in my life - it was beautiful. We had a couple warm days where we could acutally wear our suits and just wade in the ocean. The sunsets were amazing also!

















We had such an amazing time - Thanks to Trina... Trina's parents, Dirk and Sue - you made a week that we have been dreading to face into a wondeful, relaxing week to just focus on our family and all that we have been blessed with. Thanks for being a blessing to us and giving us such a fabulous vacation... we will forever be grateful for that!!

The sand

I just had to share this beautiful picture... I cannot take credit for it... you can check out the blog and the pictures by clicking here. It is a woman and her family from Australia... after losing their son she started writing names of those babies lost in the sand - such a beautiful thing that she is doing and I just wanted to share Troy's name - she also included a heart for the baby we lost to a miscarriage back in 2006. I found this blog through a friend who had her baby girls names written in the sand by this women...and how beautiful those pictures are!! Thanks Krista!!

Remembering Troy...

I really was hoping to get on yesterday to update my blog - I know it has been a long time - we just got back from a very wonderful trip to Pensacola Beach, Florida.
We drove there and back - on our way back... we made a stop in Holland to pick up our dog from Jodi and Elliot (thanks again guys!) and to visit Mike's Mom and Dad. Mike then suggested we stop and visit Troy's grave site... November 29 was his official due date - eventhough it had moved up twice with my ultrasounds... I hate to admit it but part of me didn't want to go - only because we still have not picked out a grave stone yet... still trying to save up for the cost... and I hate going there only to see a dead patch of grass with nothing there... we went anyways and there laying on top of the dead patch of grass was a bunch of yellow beautiful roses - it was such a wonderful sight to see if that makes any sense... I was dreading of seeing nothing and I saw roses.. it just amazes me how God takes care of me and my fears - I don't know who put the roses on his grave site and it doesn't matter - it just made me feel comforted in that moment... knowing that someone else thinks of Troy and goes to visit his grave - it was just really comforting because it kills me that I cannot go and visit whenever I want so it just really helps knowning that someone else is visiting his site... it really made me feel like I was not alone.

I still cannot believe that his due date has come and gone - I still think of him every single day - I just keep remembering my arms holding him and seeing Mike holding him also. I am still so thankful to God that even through that tragic event.. that he let Mike and I meet our son and to be able to hold him and touch him - memories we will never forget.

I am doing okay with everything... at least I think I am. The one thing I struggle with yet is talking about it with others. I will talk with Mike a little bit about it but I kind of keep to myself - it has nothing to do with anyone.. only myself - I just feel like I just end up mad, sad or frustrated with conversations... so I apologize for being a bit of a hermit and keeping to myself - hopefully that will get better.. I think I am still just really sensative to what people say... so I just avoid it all together... I am really trying to work on this... because talking about it really helps me feel like I am not alone which is what I have been feeling like lately. I just thank you all for your cards.. comments on this blog or e-mails... those help me SOOO much!!

I will post soon on my trip to Florida... it really was a wondeful and beautiful trip and so needed during this time - I will forever be grateful to Trina and her Mom and Dad for letting us stay in the most beautiful place - breathtaking!!! I will post more on that later and get a few pics up also.

A couple things...

A couple things....
First... I just wanted to say Thank You to everyone that has sent a card... and left comments - you have NO idea how much those cards... those words said... mean to me - I keep all my cards in a box and look at them every week - it really helps me get through.. especially this month... I can see and I know the wonderful support you have all given to me.. and Mike... I so appreciate it... your friendship, support, prayers - everything... I seriously cannot thank you all enough... for caring for us and being there for us... it just means so much! I love you all!

I also decided to change my profile layout to match my favorite time of the year...I know it is a touch early but if you know me - it can never be too early to start decorating for Christmas - I just needed something more cheery and bright to look at.

October 31, 2008

Halloween day for some reason was really difficult for me - it was just a day that I was so teary - I was so looking forward to taking Brev trick-or-treating but I just could not focus on that during the day - I was just heartbroken knowing that November was the very next day... I know that the more time that goes by - the easier it gets to get through the day but my heart is still so broken... I don't know if that will ever change or not... I miss Troy.. I miss being pregnant - I miss feeling him move - I felt him move only 2 days before I knew that he had passed and I am just heartbroken that he didn't get to live.. he never got to look into my eyes. I think that coming into November just really hit me that the month I was due with Troy is now already here.. and how fast it came. I received a card in the mail on Halloween day... it was perfect - I know that God knew I was having a hard day and receiveing that card was awesome... it was from my cousin and his wife - knowing that November was going to be a hard month - they remembered and sent a card saying they were thinking of us. It is amazing how God works... I am still in this spinning cycle with not feeling content - not knowing if I will ever carry a baby again... not knowing if we will be able to adopt or not... not knowing if we will be able to give Brevin a sibling... but knowing that God is still there and helping us through, giving us wonderful family and friends to help us and support us... I could not get through all of this without them. I just hope and pray that God will make it clear to us what we need to do next - I am getting frustrated doing nothing right now because I don't know what to do and each month that goes by seems like another month waisted and I don't want to continue feeling this way.

Spinning...

I am struggling today... I just cried all the way home from dropping Brev off at school - I heard on the radio a song that talked about having one life to live and to make the most of it. I just feel like I am sinking and I cannot get out. It really bothers me that my life is totally consumed by wanting another child so bad - I wish I could get that desire out of my head - it is all I think about lately and the unknown gets me so down - I don't know if I can ever carry a pregnancy again and to go into adoption - that could take years and even if we are chosen - that parent could back out on us and then we are left waiting again... I just don't know what to do and I WISH God would speak to me and tell me what it is we are supposed to do - what path he wants us to take but all I hear is silence... I just feel like my life is spinning in circles and just going no where and it is all because I just want to give Brevin a brother or sister so badly. I just want to feel content and okay with my life - the way it is right now - I want to stop hoping for another child... it is getting so emotionally draining. I just pray that God will give me some peace with what I have right now - I have so much - a wonderful husband... a wonderful son... a wonderful house to live in and wonderful friends and family... I just want to be content and at peace and happy where I am. I have only one earthly life and I don't want to continue living it the way I am... I just feel frustrated and sad today.

November might not be so bad...

So I have been dreading November coming - although I love Fall like I have mention many times before but just the fact of it being what would have been my due date... but... it might not be so bad after all. In November... I was invited to go to the Ohio Food Show where Paula Deen, Bobby Dean, Guy Fieri (spelling?) and Curtis Stone will be!! I am SO excited about that - I am such a geek when it comes to the Food Network and there is someone else out there like me that loves this kind of stuff so I am going with another Mom from Brev's school and I really cannot wait.

Also... I am having another Tastefully Simple party - I had one last year and it really was fun - tasting all the appetizers - I just love food and had a great time last year with everyone that came and hope this year will be fun also!

Then Mike and I and Brevin are going to Pensacola - we are really excited for this trip - I just hope the drive down goes well for Brevin. He is so excited to see the ocean and to hopefully collect shells... he is counting down the days - he kept asking me when we are leaving so I printed a Backyardagains calendar off of the internet and hung it on our fridge and now every morning.. he crosses off another day - it will be a nice, relaxing family vacation and we are just SO thankful that we can go.

So... I am just so grateful that God put these plans in my life (our lives) for November - I now have things to look foward to and keep me busy. God is SO good!!

October 15, 2008 - Rememberance Day

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.... for everyone that has lost a baby through miscarriage... stillbirth... premature and/or full term loss... SIDS... any infant loss. Please remember not only me but all of those that have had to endure such tragic losses.

Tonight at 7pm - everyone is invited to light a candle - to have a "wave of light" to burn for one hour - across the world to remember parents... pregnancies and infants. I will be lighting one for Troy tonight and for my miscarriage back in 2006.... I will also be lighting candles for those that I know have been through a loss.

The website for more information is:
http://www.october15th.com

It is a wonderful website - please check it out and please light a candle!

October 12, 2008

I absolutely LOVE fall - it is my favorite time of the year. Mike and I went to dinner tonight with 2 other couples... and on our drive out - just a little ways from our house I was looking out and saw the beautiful trees that are changing colors - some are so bright right now - it just brought tears to my eyes because it is all so bitter-sweet... I love fall but now fall to me has a very emotional side to it - I can't help but love seeing the beauty and being sad at the very same moment. Life goes on doesn't it... I just cannot believe we are in this season already and Thanksgiving.. Winter... Christmas is just a blink of an eye away - I still hate how time flies and it really does fly!!

Anyway...I am finally feeling better physially from my surgery - I no longer walk like an old lady - I am still quite sore... mornings and nights are the hardest but it is getting better each day - the motrin really helps along with an extremely helpful and wonderful husband!! I am very anxious to get into the gym - all the awesome meals that were brought it - well... we ate it all and are still eating it - I think I have gained 10 pounds just in the last week! I am so thankful for what everyone has done - even the simple "how are you doing today"... or... "How are you feeling"... it is amazing how much just those words mean to me - just knowing I am being thought of.. is that selfish?

I wanted to put in a devotional that I came across from The Purpose Driven Life - I receive daily devotionals over e-mail and this one just really caught my attention.


We Need Each Other: To Wait and Weep With

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 1 Peter 3:8 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***

As a pastor, I see situations daily that nobody should ever have to go through alone. Nobody should ever have to wait in the hospital while a loved one is in life-or-death surgery. No woman should ever have to wait alone for the lab report on a problem pregnancy. Nobody should ever have to wait for news from a battlefield alone. Nobody should ever have to stand at the edge of an open grave alone. Nobody should ever have to spend the first night alone when their spouse has just walked out.

Life’s tough times and tragedies are inevitable – each of us will face them. But we don’t need to go through them alone. We need God’s safety net to help hold us up through these difficult times.

What is God’s safety net? It is a group of other believers – a handful of people who are really committed to you. We call this kind of group a community. Here’s God’s plan for community: “If one part suffers, every part suffers with it” (1 Corinthians 12:26 NIV). Community is God’s answer to despair.

Romans 12:15 expresses a similar idea: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (NIV).

The first part of that verse is easy. When something good happens to someone, it’s often easy to join in on the party.

But when someone is having a tough time, it can seem more difficult. But, really, it’s simple. When you’re going through a crisis, you don’t want advice; you just want somebody to be there – to sit with you, hold your hand, put an arm around your shoulder, or cry with you.

As Paul tells us, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11 NIV). Encouraging someone else doesn’t always mean giving a pep talk or words of wisdom. Sometimes the best kind of encouragement is just sitting in silence – waiting and weeping with a friend.

Do you have a safety net – a group of fellow Christians you know you can count on in life’s toughest times? If not, go out today and begin building those friendships. The hard times in life are inevitable, and only a fool would go into them unprepared.

After reading this... I just pray to God that I will become more like this to others because this message is SO true! I don't want anyone to ever feel alone in times like these mentioned... I know this for myself... it has always been my biggest fear.. honestly.. I want to be more like Christ in this way especially - to help those that need help to get through a tough and emotional time - those time don't end a few weeks out or even a few months out... it never totally disappears no matter how much time has gone by - to feel continued support means the world!!

Doing well...

I made it though surgery - I knew I would but I was SO nervous! I got to the hospital at 11:30am for prep - was wheeled in the OR at 12:50pm and was out of the hospital at 3:00pm - it was fast! My first stop after surgery was the coffee shop for a skinny vanilla latte - I was craving that! I am on vicodin and doing pretty good - I am SO sore though - I had no idea how sore this procedure would be - walking is very hard right now as I cannot straighten up - taking a shower last night was hilarious I must say - Mike is taking such good care of me - Brev is too - he keeps asking me how I am doing and always giving me kisses and hugs - when I get up to walk, he just stares at me... I think expecting me to fall or something.. plus I look silly walking. I am so blessed with family and friends - thank you for all your prayers... cards and all the yummy meals.. and the edible fruit arrangement from my parents - ALL so very appreciated since I cannot get into the kitchen to cook at all! Thank you to Kris for sitting with Mike in the waiting room at the hospital and keeping him company and visiting me when I woke up - it was great!! To Josie for watching Brev the day of the surgery - picking him up from school and hanging out with him the rest of the afternoon... he had a blast!! Trina and Julie.. thanks for taking Brev yesterday - that was huge... we really appreciate it!! I will be back on a bit later - it still hurts a bit to sit - laying down is what feels the best right now but just wanted to thank everyone who might be reading this!!
~ Kim

Getting a bit nervous

Yep... I admit I am getting nervous for my surgery on Friday - I know it is very routine but just the thought of being put under scares me... I talked with the nurse today and she said surgery should take about 1 hour and 40 minutes - that seems like a long time... she said it might go quicker than that - maybe that is the time slot they have saved for me.. whatever the case - I am getting a little scared about the whole thing. I have to go to my doctor on Thursday because I seem to have a bit of a cold and they want to make sure my lungs are clear because they don't want to put you under if your congested - I am ready to have this over with - I know recovery might not be much fun for the first few days but I am kind of happy that I have a good week or more off work - hopefully I can just relax and let Mike take care of me!!

Surgery

Next week Friday, October 3, I will be having hernia surgery.. can you believe it?? What more can we add to 2008?? I just found out today at my Dr's appointment... I am fine with it now but when I first learned that I might have a hernia a couple days ago at my OB appointment - I about lost it, poor Mike came home from work with me crying - I was just thinking when will this end? I am just ready to have a good year and hope 2009 will bring that. On a good note - I am thankful that this is only a hernia - I was scared as to what was going on - I found this lump a few months back but thought nothing of it - it would go away and then come back but the past week is has gotten worse - it doesn't hurt - just really annoying and obvious, I was scared of what it could be... so I am glad it is something that is correctable... it just sets us back a little bit but that is okay. Pensacola is sounding really good right now - I wish we could leave today for vacation!! My doctor told me that I would have to take about 10-14 days off from work.. does that seem right? I can't imagine it would take me that long to recover... I just hope this goes okay - I am a little nervous!

A good weekend...

This weekend was busy but very fun... we traveled to Holland... On Saturday...Mike and I, along with is family moved his parents from their house into a beautiful apartment that was so made for them - we are so happy for them and are excited to visit them again in their new place! We then had my cousins wedding to attend that evening - it was such a beautiful wedding - the weather was perfect and the setting was beautiful - an outdoor wedding in a beautiful park. My cousin, who got married that day, showed everyone at his wedding how much he truely loves his new bride - it was so amazing to watch him standing up front with the minister noticing everyone sitting in the crowd but soon as he saw his bride - he attention and focus was immediately on her and that very moment - it was awesome - God totally made Himself known on that day!!

It was so much fun catching up with family at the reception - having a few drinks and dancing - it was fun! It really was nice having a weekend where my mind was focused on happiness instead of sadness - to just let loose was really nice!! Eventhough it was a busy weekend - it was relaxing also... mentally!!

On another happy note - we are officially going to Florida for Thanksgiving!! Mike and I really wanted to get away for that week.. being what was my due date... Thanks to our friend and pastors wife... we now have a beautiful condo to stay at in Pensacola - on the ocean with beautiful beaches... we are SO excited and so blessed that this came our way... to be able to have a vacation that won't cost us an arm and a leg - we are SO grateful.. thank you to Trina and her parents for doing this for us!!

Well.. that is it for now - it was just really refreshing to have a good weekend and I am very thankful for that!!

Here are a few pics from the wedding that I thought I would share...

Me with My Dad


Mike and I


Me with Marianne

A God Moment

I was putting Brevin to bed a couple nights ago and everynight he says his bedtime prayer: "Jesus, thank you for today, thank you for my work and play, Bless me as I sleep tonight.. keep me always in your sight". After he said his prayer... he was running his fingers through my hair and asked me if I said a bedtime prayer.. I answered without thinking "Yes I do"... he then looked at me said "no you don't mom". Wow.. did that hit me.. my prayer life has taken a big hit... I guess you could say - I go nights without saying a prayer... I go days without saying a prayer.. talking to God or anything like that. I remember after I had Troy, the following morning.. a nurse gave me a basket full of stuff - one thing that was in that basket was a journal. I tried writing in it but I am horrible at writing - I always have more to write than my hand allows me to write.. my hand gets sore and I lose my thoughts because I can't write fast enough - I would rather type which is why I started this blog. I know of a few people that have a prayer journal and I have always wanted to start that. After I put my son to bed that night - I immediately thought about this journal from the hospital - I am going to make that my prayer journal - just write down names of those that need prayers and prayers of my own - short notes. I know God gave me this idea - he knows I am struggling with my relationship with Him since I had to say goodbye to my little boy and maybe this is a way to help restore that relationship with Him... I know I need Him in my life - more now than ever...I am going to give this prayer journal a try.

I wanted to put down the lyrics of a song by Casting Crowns - the words have SO much meaning to me but I honestly cannot listen to the song - it just makes me sob to no end but I do know that I need to praise God in this storm - I am thankful for all the friends and family that God has put into my life - I could not get through this without them and for that.. I praise God!

Praise You in This Storm
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Prayer request...

I can't believe September is already here - Brevin starts school tomorrow - I start aiding once a week in his school (for a different class) - I got all my fall decorations out and decorated my house - Fall is my favorite time of year - my favorite season yet all I can think about at the moment is that I should have been 7 months pregnant - there are days where I am doing fine but then days like today where all I can think of is why.. why did this happen.. why did Troy have to die.. why did God let this happen - not having answers makes me sad and makes me angry sometimes - I may never know why but all I can do is take comfort knowing that Troy is with God - he is happy and loved in Heaven and I know I will see him again one day - I just pray that God will give me more peace in this... I pray that I will not lose sight of God because honestly I feel like I am fading away somewhat and it is hard finding my way back so those who might be reading this - if you could pray that my relationship with God grows stronger - that I get back on track again and that God shows me how to do that.. also that I would focus on what I have... my wonderful husband and son, Brevin... and not focus on what I don't have and what I want so badly... I would SO appreciate it!! I know God is there for me and waiting for me to come to him but I think I am so wrapped up in this grief that I cannot get my way through... tomorrow will be a better day.. I know this - God will see me through!!

To my precious Troy
There is honestly not a single day that goes by where I don't think of you... you are on my mind constantly and I miss you so much! I wish you were here with us but I know you are in God's loving arms and looking down on us. I hope you know how much you are loved and missed. Sending a kiss and a hug to you!
Love,
Mommy

Just thinking back....

I don't know what made me think of this but I just wanted to post some pictures of the beautiful flowers that were sent to me from family and friends.....back in June. The last photo was what the hospital sent me home with - it was a basket full of wonderful stuff - made by volunteers that have lost babies also. There was a couple books in there on grief and losing a baby.... a journal to write in... a couple precious keepsake bookmarks... an ornament.... an angel pen.... a candle.... chocolates... tea... a beautiful coffee mug... kleenex... and some hand and more.

I honestly have to say that I was never a card person but I am now - I look at the cards that I received often - just knowing I had all that support and all those that were thinking of me... means a lot to me and I will cherish those cards always - I am still receiving cards in the mail - not as much anymore which I expect but it is so comforting to still receive those cards.... just makes me know that I am cared for and still thought of... that has been my worse fear... feeling that "alone" feeling.. like everyone has forgotten and moved on... I am getting there and hanging in there... doing better a little each day but I do still have my down days but I have the most wonderful husband in the world that helps me through and the best 4 year old - he seems to know when I am down - and he totally lifts me up! Thank you Lord for giving me my wonderful husband and son, family and friends - you have blessed me with so much!

The Weekend...

This past weekend went pretty well - I was in Holland from Wednesday till Saturday. Wednesday night I went out for coffee with my sister-in-law and we just talked - it was the best - wish I could do that more often - before coffee we stopped at Restlawn to see Troy's grave - I hate it that we don't have a headstone for him yet but hopefully we will soon - it really was nice to stop there!

On Saturday we went to my Aunt and Uncle's house in Middleville MI - they live on a lake and we celebrated my Grandparents 60th wedding anniversary - all my family was coming in for this - my mom is one of 6 kids in her family and some live out of state. I was very excited and also dreading it at the same time. I can't quite put my finger on it but for some reason, seeing family for the first time since losing Troy just makes me nervous or uneasy - maybe it is because I don't know what they are going to say to me or not going to say.... I don't know - sometimes it is just worse when nobody says anything and acts like nothing happened. Mike and I got lots of hugs and lots of "we have been thinking of you guys" - it really was nice - my Aunt Bonnie talked to me for quite a while and that was really nice also - it really did go well and we had lots of fun!! some pictures from the weekend...

Uncle Dave and Aunt Kathy's house on Duncan Lake

The Cuneo Clan

The "Doggie Cousins", Sisco, Marco (the tiny one), Polo, Blue and Molly

Here they are again... but Ralph decided to join in - he is the golden retriever.

Marianne with Trinity, Me with Brevin on the boat -

my mom and counsin Zoe are in the background

The boys playing horseshoes

Kids Playing in the lake

Now we are off to another new week - I am leaving Wednesday with Mike again for Holland and because he has to work out of the Holland location on Thursday morning so soon as he is done - then we are heading up to Ludington to my mom and dad's cottage for the weekend - I am looking forward to that.

I can't believe that fall is almost here - fall is my favorite time of the year and I really hope it stays that way - it is going to be so hard when November rolls around - Mike and I had a long talk last night and we both are not looking forward to Thanksgiving - it just isn't going to be like it has been in the past. It is going to be hard for me to be all happy knowing that we should be having or holding our son that was due then. So Mike and I decided that we are going to get away for the holiday - we are not totally sure where but we have brought up going to Golf Shores, AL or somewhere warm - where we can drive since we cannot afford to fly right now. So.. that is what our plan is of now - it isn't going to make the pain go away.. I realize that but I think it will be nice to get away as a family and just be to ourselves.

How good days turn bad in an instant

It really isn't how my good day turns bad - it isn't bad... there are just "things" that suddenly make me feel sad and mad - things that make me think that I should still be pregnant with Troy.

Today... I went to a short meeting at my sons school today- it was for being an aid to the teacher in the classroom once a week - you get a discount on tuition if you do this which is worth it because it is expensive sending Brev to a private Christian preschool.... anyway.. this meeting was just an introduction to aiding and what it all involves and what is expected from you etc.... when I got there - I sat at a big round table with about 8 moms that were all interested in aiding - very shortly into the meeting we went around the table and introduced ourselves... I was the only one there that had just one child. One lady had just - and I mean just (like 3 weeks ago) had her 4th baby... the whole meeting ended up being about infancy - how her baby was just sleeping through the night - how hard it is to juggle 4 kids etc... etc... Then one of the teachers spoke up on how her daughter is due in November with her 3rd and how she was doing and not feeling well etc... etc... I had to do everything possible in me to not lose it, thats when I was due - my eyes were tearing up and I almost walked out - I didn't want to start crying infront of everyone but it was so hard keeping it all inside - nobody noticed that I was about in tears and I am so glad about that but I was just not expecting the conversation to be like this at an aids meeting - it threw me off guard for sure. I hate the fact that I have NO idea when I am going to be faced with these kind of things - it was just really hard and now my day just seems down.

Just thinking...

Today is a bit of a cleaning day for me - cleaning out the closet in our computer room - what a job!! As I am cleaning - Brevin, my 4 year old, out of no where says "Mommy, I really want a baby brother like my friend Bryant has"... My eyes just filled with tears - this is the first time that Brevin has ever mentioned wanting a sibling. By the time I was ready to give him an answer - he was off playing - he wasn't waiting for an answer - he was just telling me what he was thinking at that moment.

Since he made that comment - I have been thinking. At my last appointment with my fertility specialist in Ann Arbor - we were talking about my situation - what had happened with my recent pregnancy - we are still not sure exactly what happened but I am having tests run on me to see if it might have been possible ICP (Cholestasis of Pregnancy). If I am able to get pregnant again and I miscarry again - with no known cause - then I am out of options as far as me getting pregnant again - IVF is not an option - I can get pregnant with fertility help but I just cannot keep a pregnancy. My infertility doctor told me that then my only options would be a gestational carrier (surrogate mother) or adoption - both so expensive - I have read that surrogate moms get paid a lot on top of all the medical bills that obviously we would pay - I doubt our insurance would pay medical bills of someone else carrying our baby. We still would have to check into adoption but we are clueless as to where to begin - what is a legit agency - who to trust... etc... I hate the unknown and not knowing if we will ever have a second child in our home... it is heartbreaking - I just pray that God will shed some light and guide us as to where HE wants us to go - what road to take.

That is it for today!!! I am trying to deal with a horrible sinus infection at the moment - Yuck!!

Frustrating....

So... all the medical bill are starting to pour in - honestly not sure how we are going to pay for all of this..... still feeling the physical effects of birth which should not bother me but there is no baby for me to hold and I am very bothered by my body - prolonging the healing process... for some reason.

Appointments and everything else....

I went into the ER yesterday - I was feeling dizzy - chest tight, just not feeing right and such heavy bleeding - I had called my doctors office just to let them know my symptoms thinking that maybe they would just fit me in real quick - I already had an appointment set up for today but thought maybe I could just get in yesterday - well... got a call back from the nurse and she told me that my doctor wanted me to go over to ER to get blood work done and a pelvic exam just to make sure nothing is going on that shouldn't. I called Mike who was in Holland and he came home - I didn't want to go to ER myself because you usually get stuck there for more time than needed - anyway - I took Brev again over to Hillary's house (I have NO idea what I would do without her)... Mike came home around 1:30 and off to the ER we went - I checked in and waited... got called back to a room and waited (did I mention that I hate ER?) - finally I was seen - had my pelvic done - everything was fine... they started an IV and drew lots of blood - the nurse looked at my hands and at my eyes and said I looked very anemic - I waited on this bed in this room with others for a long time - the results came back... all was normal - felt like the day was so waisted. I had my OB appointment today - it went okay - my doctor is so amazing - we just talked and I just cried - there are days where I do so well and then days like today where I don't know how I am going to make it through - I sometimes wonder if I should find a support group - I go online a lot to babycenter.com and read posts from others that have been through similar experiences - it is just sad and depressing.

I was at church this past Sunday and this lady walked in with her husband - very pregnant and everyone ran up to her to talk to her - she is a regular at our church and hasn't been there in a while - she is very nice, I have her 2 boys in Sunday School - when she walked in... I had to go into the ladies room because I could not stop crying - all I kept thinking was why does her baby get to live and mine had to die.... I hate feeling this way.

My sweet little boy really does help me through.. whenever I am sad - he just knows - he instantly asks me why I miss my baby - he will still touch my stomach and ask if another baby is in there yet. He gives me hugs and just makes the day a little better.
Anyway.. that is my story for today - just another hard day for me - lots of tears and emotions - I just wish my little boy would have made it into this world - I wish I could have rocked him and fed him and dressed him. I just don't understand why I went through 2 1/2 years of infertility only to finally get pregnant again and then lose my baby.... Just another hard day that I will get through!

Memorial Service

We had a short memorial service on Saturday, July 19 - we wanted to keep it with immediate family only. Mike really wanted his best friend Tom Buis there so he came with his wife Bonnie, Mark Neitzel, our really good friend, was there handling everything - he works for Dykstra Funeral Home - he brought his wife Debbie. Mom and Dad, Jeff and Marianne, Grandma and Grandpa, Mom and Dad W, Jan and Howard, Pat and Marlan, Judy and Roger were there also. It was a very rainy day but when it started raining... I instantly felt like it was so appropriate - like Heaven knew it was a sad day for us here on earth so they were crying from up above and those were the tears falling down on us. That maybe sounds corny but that is honestly what I thought of on that day. Kris and Trina, our pastor and his wife (and very good friends of ours), were there also - Kris spoke very shortly and my mom did also - I had no idea she was going to speak - it was a surprise to us... it was very sweet of her to do that. We all stood in the rain with umbrella's over the grave site - it was a very short service but perfect. When the service was done - everyone left. Mike took Troy's vault and put it in the ground and kissed his fingers and layed his finger on the vault - he then layed a rose on the vault and I took a rose out of the plant that was from my mom and dad and Mike's mom and dad and layed that on the vault also.... it was so much more emotioal than I thought. My Mom had everyone over for brunch afterwards.
I felt like the day went really well considering - I was so nervous what others were going think... were we going to far.. blowing this all out of porortion... I don't know... I really don't think that way anymore - I really believe Mike and I had to do that memorial service for ourselves - to bring us some peace. After holding Troy and being able to spend time with him - eventhough he was already gone - we just kept looking at him - he was a real baby - a real life - a child of God - how could we not do anything? I am so thankful for everyone that showed up... we really needed to have that day!

Hard Day...

For some reason.. today is just a hard day - maybe because I leave for vacation tomorrow and I already had layed out some maternity clothes to take with - like a bathing suit and shorts and I had to put them back in the box this morning and take the box full of maternity clothes to the basement - I also took the bin full of maternity clothes back to my friend Hillary - she had loan me a bunch of clothes - that was so hard to bring back.

I am just sad - I ran a bunch of errands today and all I saw was pregnant women everywhere - I know it is only because I notice it more now. I just keep wondering why this happened - am I really meant to not have anymore kids? Just thinking that kills me because I want more so bad - I really thought this pregnancy was going to work - I made it past 12 weeks - I didn't with the last pregnancy before this one - I just thought this baby was going to make it. I keep praying to God that if I am not meant to be pregnant again to please take the desire of wanting to be pregnant away from me. It just hurts to see people walking around with 2-3 kids or more - I don't know.. I feel like I am being selfish for wanting more - I have the best little boy in the world right now - Mike and I realize now how much of a miracle he is - the fact that we even have him is such a God gift.. such a blessing. I just want to give him a sibling - someone he will have when Mike and I are gone - more of a family than just himself. I do feel so guilty for wanting this... I don't know... all I know is that it is out of my hands - it is all in God's hands - but I do hope that God has another child planned in our future. Waiting is so hard and wanting is so hard but I have to be patient - I mean.. that is all I can do right now - I have no choice.

June 23, 2008 - Back to work

Last night was my first night back to work (Monday, June 23) - I work at a local gym 2 nights a week from 5 - 10:30pm and then on Sundays from 1pm till 7:30pm. I was dreading going back to work - there are some customers that knew I was pregnant but don't realize that I am no longer pregnant and what I had gone through. When I got to work, my boss came up to the front counter and just looked at me and shook his head - I just teared up and could barely talk - I could tell he didn't know what to say. During that evening - a lot of members came up to me and asked me how my vacation was - that must have been what the other staff members were telling the customers - it was weird - I just answered that it really wasn't a vacation - I was just at home and just left it at that - they didn't ask anymore than that which I was glad. The night went pretty good - it kept me busy - when I was done - I got in my car and just cried all the way home - I don't know why but I guess I just had to get it out. I am glad I got my first night of work out of the way but it is really hard having to move on - I can't believe it has been almost 2 weeks since this all happened - I hate it that it is going by so fast for some reason. Maybe because the cards have stopped coming in the mail... not really receiving e-mails and phone calls anymore, I am okay with that, I mean.. it is bound to happen at some point - life does go on but I am just not ready to move on right now and I guess it is hard to see others move on - Maybe I am starting to feel very alone in all of this - I have Mike which I am so grateful for... SO grateful for him.... it just feels like everyone else has moved on and I am just not ready too... I know I will at some point. It's just hard.... very hard!

June 14, 2008 - leaving the hospital

After giving birth to Troy and spending time with him, I tried to settle in to go to sleep - the nurse gave me another dose of this Nubain drug to help me sleep - it was about 3:00am - soon as I was given the dose and she left the room - I layed there listening to a women screaming in the room next to me in full blown labor - it really bothered me.. knowing she was giving birth to probably a healthy baby - listening to her was so hard. I finally fell asleep at some point and woke up around 6:30am. I thought I was going to be fine being in the hospital but soon as I woke up...I was so anxious to get out of there - I was hearing babies crying in the rooms next to me - it was hard - knowing that all these women were walking out with their babies and all I had to walk out with was a box, with my sons footprints and handprints and material on grief and loss - it was a lot harder than I thought it would be - it took a long time to finally leave - the doctor had to come in to discharge me and it took about 2 hours.... Mike ended up taking all my stuff out to the car because I just didn't want to be the one walking out with the box - by the time he got back - the doctor already came in and I was all ready to leave. Brevin was with my parents that weekend - when we got home - I took a nap on the couch and Mike went out on the deck and layed in the sun and took a nap - after a while - we decided that we didn't want to just sit at home so we got in the car and just drove - we ended up in Greek Town and had dinner at Fishbones - it was nice to get out but we were both sitting at the table in the restaurant just still in shock with what we had just been through. By the time we got home - we were both just tired and ended up going to bed.