Happy Birthday Brevin!!!

Happy Birthday to my sweet little boy.. who is not so little anymore!!! We didn't do a whole lot today.. still recovering from all the festivities this past weekend but we did let Brevin choose where he wanted to go for dinner... he choose Mr. B's - they have video games that he can play so we had a great dinner with him.. just Me, Mike and Brevin.. then afterwards we took Brevin to the "Ice Cream Train" for dessert... it was a fun evening. He is such a blessing.. such a sweet boy and I just cannot believe he is 5. We love you so much Brevin.. you have NO idea how much of a miracle you are to us... we have been blessed so much with you in our lives.. we are so proud to be your parents!!! Happy 5th Birthday!!

The weekend

This past weekend was exhausting but one of the best and SO worth the exhaustion.

We celebrated Brevin's 5th birthday with family and friends - it was perfect!! The weather started out rough but ended up being absolutely beautiful. The most important... Brevin had a blast. I have to post on here a HUGE thank you to my parents for coming in Thursday night and working non-stop on making this party awesome... My Dad worked hard on the basement with Mike and Kris and my Mom ran errands with me and pretty much put the whole party together for me.... Judy and Roger helped also and I am so grateful for everything. I honestly feel guilty for putting this party on and others working so hard on it. THANK YOU!!!


I cannot believe that tomorrow, July 14, is Brev's 5th birthday... time flies as they say and it sure does... it is just so scary how fast he is growing up but it is fun to see him grow and learn new things - he is an amazing boy and we are so blessed to have him!!!


The ending to the weekend was a surprise... a surprise baby shower... for me!! What a fun time and what amazing friends and family that I have! That meant so much to me that someone would do that... for me... thanks Laurie and to everyone!!



So... all-in-all... it really was a wonderful weekend and now I am ready to rest up a bit - it took a lot out of me but like I said... it was ALL so worth it!!

**Update**

25 weeks exactly.. I should just have Mike take a picture of me instead of me doing the cheesy self shot in the mirror but I don't think of it when he is home.

I am at 25 weeks now and had another appointment today... all is still going very well and I am SOOOO thankful for that... the Dr. checked my cervix... the fluid around the babies and measured the babies... all is looking good and each baby is estimated to be 2 pounds each... Amazing!! I think all my weight gain is helping these babies gain too. We had another ultrasound so we were able to see our little guys - baby B is still not really willing to show his face to us.. he is positioned where his face is facing my back so it is hard to get a good profile shot of him... we have one of baby A though. I am heading in this week to do my glucose test - hopefully I will pass.. I didn't with Brevin and had to do the 3 hour test.. we will see what happens... my next appt. is in 2 weeks again.. I will receive my Rhogam shot because I have the O negative blood type. All-in-all my Dr. seems pleased with everything and I am again so thankful for that!!!
Just a quick update for everyone!

Thanks again for all your prayers, notes, e-mails etc... I am so lucky and blessed to have so much support!!

Here are some ultrasound pics of our boys... sorry.. the quality is not all that great. The first picture is of Twin 1, the second is the foot of Twin 2 and the third picture is the obvious gender of Twin 2. Thanks Trina for scanning these!

Friday's appointment

I had another appointment this past Friday - it was a long appointment - the babies are still doing well - we got another ultrasound and were able to still see them moving around.. they are getting big.. along with me.. I cannot believe how much weight I have gain but my Dr. is very pleased with that! I have been having this "rib" pain for the past few weeks and I remember having something similar when I was pregnant with Brev... I mentioned it to the doctor and he asked me a few questions about it and then tried to feel where the pain was... he then sent me to the lab to get my blood drawn to make sure there is nothing going on with my pancreas... checking to see if it might be inflamed or something so that got me a little worried - I am still waiting for the results on that - hopefully no news is good news.

I started getting Braxton-Hicks contractions - that does worry me - last night at work they just seemed to be coming and going - it is sometimes hard to tell when one is starting or when they end - my stomach always feels tight so I am keeping an eye on it and just hope and pray that all is okay and that these babies stay in me for a long time yet! The nurse at my last appointment told me that I would probably start feeling the braxton-hicks and sure enough... I am. She said it is pretty normal for that to start happening and to just keep an eye on it - they don't want it to be a consistant thing everyday so needless to say.. I am worried... but just praying that God will take my worries away.... along with these contractions!

Thursday is my last day of work - it is getting really hard to be there - I am on my feel for 5 1/2 hours straight - I do take sit-down breaks but it all depends on how busy things are.. plus I am bending down a lot at work (cleaning and picking up after people) - up and down stairs etc... it is just not comfortable anymore.

Hopefully I can try relax this week and try to put my feet up more. I just keep praying for these boys.. that they stay nice and comfortable inside me for another 3 months!!

Thanks everyone for all the prayers, notes and phone calls - means so much to me!!!

June 13, 2009

I cannot believe it has been one year since we met our little boy Troy and one year since we had to say goodbye to him. Sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday and sometimes it seems like it was a ages ago... I don't know why but no matter how long it has seemed.. that day will always live on with me - I can still remember every detail of that day... how hard and incredibly emotional that day was... the sadness of that day has not left me - I tear up everytime I think of that day in the hospital holding my little boy and just feeling so broken and having NO idea how I was going to get through - I literally wanted to die. The support I got was so overwhelming though... God really did surround me with family and friends and I will forever be grateful and thankful to HIM and to everyone that helped Mike and I through. I somehow find comfort in the visions I have of my Grandma Maggie and Mike's Grandma Sadie holding our little boy in Heaven... and loving him to pieces... knowing that one day we will be with him again and holding him in our arms.

I end this post with a message that was on one of the cards that I received when we lost Troy.

"God will never leave you... He knows how it feels to have a broken heart. He knows how much you need comfort and healing... But He won't hurry you or ask you to feel better until you're ready. He simply promises to be there by your side... comforting you always."

Another great appointment!!

I had my official ultrasound today that took close to an hour... both baby boys are doing really well - both are at the 1 pound mark - one is 16 oz and the other is 15 oz which the dr. is extremely pleased with... he said that is a normal weight for a singleton pregnancy at 20 weeks... Yeah!! My Dr. told me a while back that I need to gain 20 pounds by June 5 and I am happy to report that I have done that!! Eventhough I feel so heavy... I will gain whatever I need to keep these babies happy and healthy.
I was so nervous for this appointment.. I have been feeling fetal movement but only on one side and I was worried something was wrong with one of the babies... come to find out - they are both on one side and one of the boys has an anterior placenta.. which means the placenta is in front of the baby so that cushions the kicks where I cannot feel them as well as I do with the other baby.

I wish I had a scanner so I could post pictures of our little ones - I will try to use a friends scanner and post some pictures soon. One of the scans showed all four feet right together... all feet up.. both head down.. that was so amazing.. they were in a "spooning" position.. so they are keeping close to each other.

My next appointment is again in 2 weeks.

I believe that Mike and I finally settled on names for these little guys - it was really hard coming up with names that we both liked but I think we finally did it... we are still not sure if we are going to share the names or let it be a surprise when they are born. One thing I can tell you is that they are very common boy names.. nothing unique like Brevin's name where you really don't hear that name very often.

I am so thankful to God for another wonderful appointment. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers for us today... we are thrilled and excited and are just praying that these babies will continue to grow and stay in me for at least another 3 months!!

June

June is here.. already... a month I honestly have been dreading. I can't believe it has been almost a year now. A year since I gave birth to our little boy and had to say hello and goodbye the same day - it was on Friday, June 13, Father's day weekend. I get asked if being pregnant helps coping through that loss.. and to some extent it does but it does not erase the memory of what Mike and I went through that day - that day is still SO clear in my head - the emotions of that day are still with me. I still tear up everytime I think of Troy and still wonder what would have been. It is still really hard not knowing what happened... why he died. It was the hardest thing to hold our son, lifeless.. to be able to touch him but then having to let him go. Our dreams were crushed that day but our love for that little boy will always go on.

So, June 13 is fast approaching - I get asked what we are going to do that day and I honestly don't know.. I don't know what to do.. what is the right thing to do.. what is the wrong thing to do. I have some family coming into town that weekend that I haven't seen in a long time and there is going to be a family party on that Sat. June 13 at my Uncle and Aunts house.. on a lake - we always have such a good time when we go there. Part of me wants to go but then will I feel guilty if I have a good time. Part of me wants to stay home but will I just be depressed all day long - I can't do that with my 4 year old. Whatever I do.. I know that day - a year ago is going to be playing out in my head - knowing what I was doing each hour of that day, from the minute that ultrasound showed no heartbeat.. to the minute I checked into the hospital.. to the minute the Dr. induced labor... to the minute I gave birth to Troy.. to the minute I held him in my arms.. to the minute I had to say goodbye to him. It will be a hard day no matter what and I almost wish someone would just tell me what to do but I know that is my choice. I just want Troy to be remembered and not forgotten.. I know I won't forget but I think I have a fear that others will?? Not sure if that makes sense or not.

Hopefully I will figure out what to do but for now.. I just want to get through this month. I miss my little man so much!!

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 5:7
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

18 weeks

We made it... 18 weeks today and to top it off... we had another good appointment. They didn't do any measurements of the boys just checked the fluid and checked my cervix - all looks good. I was getting worried because I would feel the babies move one day and then nothing the next day and the ultrasound showed them moving all around so that made me feel much better.. the nurse said that it is still a bit early to feel them move all the time or every day and for me not to worry. Now I just want to get to the 20 week mark. My next appointment is on June 5 - that will be my big long ultrasound where they check the anatomy of both boys to see how they are growing so I just ask for prayers... that these babies are healthy and that they will continue to grow and stay put in me for a long time!!
I think I can sleep tonight now.. I never sleep well the night before my appointments - I just get so worried and worked up.. I know it's not good but that is just me.. I prayed hard and I am just thankful to God.. again.. for another good day... like I have said before.. each new day is a new milestone for Mike and I to celebrate. We are so excited for these boys!!
Thank you again God!!

What we are having.....

Well.. I think I can announce here on my blog since we have told our parents in person... at our last appointment which I just wrote about in my other post.... we found out we are having 2 boys!! I had to share.. I am so excited and I love even more that I feel them moving around!!! So now on to coming up with some boy names - if you have any suggestions, let me know!
Here is a recent pic of me:

Update...

My 16 week appointment was yesterday - extremely nervous with this appointment but all still seems to be going well which I am SO thankful for!! We got more ultrasound pictures - I think I could put a book together with how many ultrasound pictures we have gotten over the past 12 weeks. I started feeling the babies move so that was very exciting. I already gained 10 pounds... 10 more to go by June 5 according to my doctor....I go back again in 2 weeks.

I am excited to be coming back to my home town this weekend for the festival and to see family.. but mother's day is going to be a bit hard this year because I am a mother to a child who will not be here and it just makes me sad all over again - there still isn't a single day that goes by where I don't think of Troy... so Sunday we will be making a special trip to visit his grave site. I know how blessed I am to have Brevin in my life and to be pregnant again but it does not take away the pain of losing Troy - I miss him and always will.

Happy Mother's day to everyone... to those who have children.. those who have lost children and pregnancies and to those who long to be mothers... because no matter what.. we are all mothers and we all deserve to be recognized and not forgotten.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

My appointment with the Perinatalogist went well on Friday - I am extremely nervous because Mike was not able to come with me - I fear appointments where I have to go by myself - bless Mike's heart - he tries really hard to be there for me and 99% of the time he is but he just was not able to this time. I got there 20 minutes early but they took me right in and immediately did an ultrasound - I can never look at the screen right away because I am SO scared of what I might see.. or what I might not see... but right away the tech said she had both heartbeats in view so then I looked and saw both babies - they are getting bigger! They are still measuring really well and their heart rates are at 153 - both of them exactly at 153... I am thinking boys! Brevin's heartbeat at this stage was also at 153. After the ultrasound I met with my Dr. and we talked for 45 minutes about everything - he said the chromosome test came back negative so that was good. We also talked about nutrition and weight gain - he wants me to gain 20 pounds by 20 weeks - by June 5 - he said that weight gain is going to help these babies stay healthy... he gave me 2 books to read on nutrition... what to expect... what to do... what not to do.. etc...
He took me off 2 medications, the lovenox (blood thinner shots) and the progesterone.. but still on the 3 vitamins a day and some baby asprin.

I will be 14 weeks on Tuesday so I am officially in my second trimester - little did I know that 1 - 13 weeks is first trimester - I thought 12 weeks but anyway. I am going to see him again on May 5 and every two weeks after that till about 20 weeks then I might start going every week.

All-in-all... things are still going well - I am slowly letting myself get excited - it is hard, I will admit.

Every appointment that I make it to is SUCH a milestone... a miracle to me. God is amazing and I am just so grateful!

A good weekend

This Easter weekend was a lot of fun... my parents came over for the whole weekend - I always miss my parents but I never realize how much until I see them. My Dad and Mike... along with Mr. Kris, as Brev calls him, worked hard on our basement - we are in the process of finishing it so our church can meet at our house - we are currently meeting at our house - just in our living room on Sundays but we will have more room downstairs soon as it is finished. My Mom worked hard on helping me clean my house.. although she did most of it... I felt bad about it but she kept insisting... it really was nice. We had a very nice church service at our house - I was outside with Trina and all the kids doing an egg hunt around our house - it was fun and we were so thankful for such good weather - the kids loved being outside.
After church... Kris and Trina and their children stayed and joined us for Easter dinner with my Mom and Dad - it was wonderful. Kris and Trina's son Josiah had Easter pizza for dinner and Brevin has Easter pancakes for dinner - neither wanted any part of what us adults were eating - it was cute. It was just such a nice time... a fun day.

I am feeling pretty good so far today - I was feeling okay this weekend - I had some moments where I just had to lay down. Tomorrow I will be at 13 weeks - I will admit that I am starting to get a bit nervous although I am trying not too - I am getting closer and closer to the point where I lost Troy last year and I just hope and pray for a miracle to God that I will make it right through that date and keep on going with these babies. My next appointment is this Friday.

I just want to say thank you again to everyone who is praying for us - the support is so wonderful and ovewhelming in such a good way... I am so thankful to God for such awesome family and friends that he put in our lives - it is your prayers, thoughts, comments and cards that are getting us through each day. Thank you!!

April 7, 2009

I had another appointment today in Ann Arbor - Babies are still doing well - we have the chromosome tests done today - it was just an ultrasound where they did a bunch of measurements and they also drew my blood - they are checking for 4 different possible chromosomal problems - we won't know the results for about 10 days but it was just great to see the babies again and to see them moving around.

I have come down with a horrible cold with aches and a slight fever - which worries me because you really don't want to have a fever while pregnant so I just hope this all clears up soon. It is Tuesday so again I got sick this morning - I don't understand why Tuesdays but at least it is predictable right?

God is amazing and we are so thankful again for this appointment - that we got to see our babies.

I am off to lay down now!

Appointment

Psalm 30:12
"that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!"

I had my appointment today with the Perinatologist and I am so thankful for a good appointment. Mike and I first walked into the ultrasound room - it was very dark in there with a TV screen on the wall infront of us - here we go, I thought to myself... I was so nervous to look at the screen - but the second the nurse put that wand on my belly there we saw on the TV the two most sweetest hearbeats and the two babies moving around - we got to see both of their heads and arms and legs and we even heard the heartbeats.. the sweetest sounds I will have ever heard... Mike held my hand and I just teared up because they were doing okay and to see them moving was such a blessing! We got wonderful pictures of our babies - I wish I had a scanner so I could post them on here. They are measuring at 11 weeks 3 days and 11 weeks 4 days.

After the ultrasound we sat down with a nurse and the doctor to talk about my previous pregnancies... this pregnancy and just about everything... my regular OB doctor had called this doctor to discuss my prenatal care while I was there and both were in agreement that I should continue to see the perinatologist so... I have a new doctor and now a new hospital to deliver at - the hospital in Howell only takes deliveries from 36 weeks on but the one in Ann Arbor is a hospital that is prepared for premature deliveries before 35 weeks so that is where I am going to go and that way I don't have to be trasferred from one hospital to another - I will be right where I need to be. I will be seeing this dr a lot - I have an appointment set up already for next week and also for the week after that.

I am SOOO thankful to God for another wonderful appointment and that we got to see these tiny miracles that are growing inside of me!

I'm still feeling sick and tired - Tuesdays for some reason seem to be my mornings to get sick - no idea why but that is totally fine with me... pasta seems to help.. I did get these preggie pops... candy drops that are supposed to settle the sick feeling but I can't even eat those now - water is hard to drink but if I dump a lot of lemon juice in it.. it really helps.. along with milk mixed with Carnation Instant Breakfast mix - that is so yummy - I could drink that all day long.

Thank you again for all your prayers - we feel them all and will always be so grateful for all your support!!

I had my appointment today with my OB... it went really well - both babies are measuring well and have good heartbeats. Baby A was moving all over the place - even waved to Mike and I... baby B moved a bit also but not as much - we couldn't get a good picture on baby B and that made me a bit nervous but the doctor didn't seem concerned - with baby A.. we could make out the whole body - face and all but we couldn't do that with baby B... but they are both measuring to date so I just hope and pray that all is okay with baby B. We have an appointment with the Perinatalogist next week Tuesday.

I am feeling the morning sickness through out the day but I really take that as a good sign - as horrible as it is to feel lousy.. I am still so thankful that I do feel lousy.

Thank you again for all your prayers - Mike and I would not be able to get through this without every single one of you - we are SOOO blessed to have such wonderful family and friends!!

Thank you God for a great appointment today and that we got to see both babies, each day is a new gift from You!!

Just an update - I had another ultrasound appointment this past Wednesday and all looked good - one of the babies was moving all over the place which was so cool to see. The other baby was not moving at all and that really worried me but the doctor assured me that it was fine. They are measuring well and still have hearts beating which is such a blessing to see. They ran a bunch of blood work on me and all came out fine so I am thankful for that. I have an appointment with a Perinatologist in Ann Arbor on March 31 (high risk doctor). I see my regular ob next week Wednesday and will most likely have another ultrasound.
So... that is my update in a nutshell. We appreciate ALL the prayers and the calls and cards/notes and e-mails - means more to us than anything... just knowing we have so much support it brings me to tears.... God is in total control of this and we just need to keep our faith in him... I am praying for a miracle!!

A new chapter

Well... we are moving into a new chapter of our lives - if you haven't heard already (and I truely apologize if you haven't) but we are expecting again... it honestly happened fast but we are so excited and so scared. I found out I was pregnant on February 7 - took a home pregnancy test that came out positive... it was confirmed with a blood test that following Monday. We had our first appointment 2 weeks later where we learned we were expecting twins! Yes.. 2 babies. At first one of the babies measured behind so we weren't sure if maybe there was something wrong or if one just implanted later than the other... the next ultrasound show that all was okay - we saw their beating hearts - such a sweet thing to see. We just had another ultrasound today - I am over 8 weeks now and all is still looking well - I couldn't help but cry after today's appointment - we are just SO blessed that God gave us another chance... AND 2 babies. We are just now praying for a miracle that these babies will grow healthy and that we will hold healthy babies in our arms come October.

For now - I am seeing my doctor every week - because we have no idea what happened with Troy and the pregnancy back in 2006 - he is just monitoring me more. I am on a blood thinning medication - a shot that I have to give myself everyday as precaution and I am on 3 vitamins a day, progesterone and baby asprin. So far it is going well. I was scared at first because I felt so good - I was literally begging God to make me feel sick because that makes me feel better mentally... knowing that those babies are in there and taking all that they need from me. Well.. now I am feeling sick all day long - not throwing up but I seem close at times but I am SOOOO thankful for it all.

For anyone that is reading this - I.. we.. just ask for prayers for this pregnancy. Like I said.. I am just praying for a miracle - these babies are already a miracle and I am so thankful to God!!

Devotional

When the Future Seems Uncertain
by Rick Warren


“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans … to give you a future and a hope … You will find me when you seek me, if you look for me in earnest.” Jeremiah 29:11, 13 (LB)


*** *** *** ***


No matter what the pollsters, pundits, and prognosticators claim, no one can accurately predict all that is going to happen in the next year, let alone the next few days or weeks. Our best forecasts are just educated guesses.


Change is not only increasing in speed and intensity, but also in unpredictability. How can anyone succeed when the future is so uncertain?


The Bible suggests three timeless principles for facing an uncertain future:


1. Set goals according to God’s direction. It’s foolish to make plans without first consulting God. He’s the only one who does know the future – and he’s eager to guide you through it.


The Bible says, “We may make our plans, but God has the last word” (Proverbs 16:1 GNT). In other words, planning without praying is presumption. Start by praying, “God, what do you want me to do in 2009?”


2. Live one day at a time. While you can plan for tomorrow, you can’t live it until it arrives. Most people spend so much time regretting the past and worrying about the future, they have no time to enjoy today!


John Lennon once wrote, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” Decide to make the most of each moment this year. Jesus said, “Don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time” (Matthew 6:34 LB).


3. Don’t procrastinate. Do it now! “Don’t boast about what you’re going to do tomorrow, for you don’t know what a day may bring forth” (Proverbs 27:1).


Procrastinating is a subtle trap. It wastes today by postponing things until tomorrow. You promise yourself that you’ll do it “one of these days.” But “one of these days” is usually “none of these days.”


What did you plan to get done last year that you didn’t do? When do you intend to start working on it?

My week so far

Honestly... this week has just been a bit emotional for me - physically I have been pretty busy - with Brev's school - helping in his class and aiding in the 3's class plus putting more hours in at work but just feeling down... I swear... If I hear one more person announce their pregnancy.. I think I am going to scream - I know that sounds horrible - I honestly could not be happier for them and I just pray their baby's are healthy and that they have a very healthy pregnancy with amazing outcomes!! It is just extrememly hard watching friends and just people I know whether from work or just people I see at the grocery store living out what I dream for the most. It is hard seeing it be so easy for most and so hard for us... to want something so bad but to only watch others get what I want so much... I sound SO selfish and I hate that also... I have just been in this mode lately where I just keep repeating to myself that I may never have another child - over and over again - I just want to be able to accept it - maybe if I keep saying it I will accept it but I am no where near close to that yet... it still kills me that Brev may be an only child - I don't want that for him.. I never have but I may be forced to just accept it.. that might be what it is and there is nothing I can do about it but it is SO hard seeing the rest of the world grow their families.... just a rough start to this week I guess but hopefully my "business" will get me through and hopefully mask some of my emotions... next week will be better right? Now that I vented and had a good cry.. I feel just a bit better.

January 26, 2009

I honestly don't know what to post but it has been a while... we are back with our infertility doctor - trying to figure things out and moving forward - I'm both excited and extremely scared... just not sure what to think of all of this but we will see what happens. I am super busy this week - we are short on staff at the gym so I am working every night this week plus Brevin has a Nature Center trip on Wednesday morning... I get to go with him - that should be fun and then I work in his classroom on Friday - I am hoping for a very relaxing Saturday!

January 7, 2009

I feel horrible - it was brought to my attention by a friend of mine that I have been really pulling away.. they thought I was mad for some reason because I have not been communicating as much as I used to. I seriously don't mean for it to come off this way.. I know I have been more to myself and not really keeping in touch with friends... I am still on this emotional rollercoaster - I have up and down days... It is really hard not knowing if our future holds anymore children for Mike and I... wondering if Brev will be an only child which I never wanted to happen but I have NO control over that... I feel like no one understands that sometimes because so many that I know have no problems having babies and they don't know what it is like to feel this way... so I guess I feel alone in this and that is why I have been pulling away from friends... I just don't want anyone to feel like I am mad because that is not what I am. I am just still searching for some kind of peace in all of this - I will be honest that it is very hard to find... I just hope this year will bring more ups than downs... that is my prayer to God... that no matter what happens.. that I can see the positives in my life.

The New Year

Christmas came and went so fast... like it does every year. I did MUCH better through it all than I thought I would... the Christmas Eve service was a little tough - lots of people there with their infants and just hearing the cries from those babies really hit me hard because I kept thinking about how we should have had a crying baby with us also... that was truely hard - I did run in to a co-worker at that service... someone that I used to work with 5-6 years ago and she thought I had 2 children so I explained briefly what had happened and I really about lost it. I thought of Troy the whole time through Christmas - all the parties that we had and how I missed SO much that he was not there with us. Even Mike broke down and told me how much he misses Troy - I think we both have that feeling of just wanting to hold him one more time... wishing we could have spent more time with him... also wishing I had more pictures of my sweet little boy. I so appreciate all the cards that we received during the holidays just saying that we were in the thoughts and prayers of those around us... I may have mentioned this before but I never was much of a card person but I really am now - I keep every single one - it is just such a comfort to me... knowing that others have not forgotten and are still thinking of us. Thank you!!

I got the most precious gift this year from Mike... a bracelet that says "A Mother holds her childrens hands for a short while but their hearts forever"


The other precious gift that I received was a necklace from Brevin - Mike took him shopping and that is what he wanted to get me and he picked out the necklace all by himself - it is a necklace that has 2 hearts on it... Brev told me when I opened up my gift that everytime I look at my necklace I can think of all the good things I have done for him... what a sweet thing for a 4 year old to say.... those 2 hearts on that necklace resemble to me the hearts of my 2 sweet boys.

Well...I am so ready for this new year - I just hope and pray that we will have more smiles and laughs this year than we did last year. I really want to renew my relationship with God as it has honestly been really rocky this past year... something I really need to work on!!

Here are some pictures from our Christmas this year...








I do wish everyone a very happy and healthy New Year!

Goldfish

I just thought I needed to post on my blog something more on the happy side - I read through my blog and it almost depresses me how unhappy all my posts seems - I know they are just my thoughts for that particular day and I can't help that they seem down but I just want to put something on here that is on a happy note.
My son makes me smile so much - today he decided he wanted to write a letter to Santa... so he brought me some paper and a marker since he cannot write yet.. except for his name which he is doing so well at.. and he told me what to write. Here is what the letter says.. all in his words... "Dear Santa, I'm going to be at Grandma B's house, I really want you to bring me a Hot Wheels case with Hot Wheels in it and I want a goldfish. I hope you have fun at the North Pole. Love, Brevin" I knew about the Hot Wheels case filled with Hot Wheels but he sprung on me the goldfish - I asked him why he suddenly wanted a goldfish and he told me it was because he still has not gotten one for giving up his binky. He did just give up his binky this year.. back in July and we kept telling him that when he gave it up he could get a goldfish but when it came time to get one... he decided he didn't want one and only wanted toys instead and it was never brought up by him again... till now... so now we need to find a way to get this boy a goldfish... from Santa... just a bit of a laugh for the day. I love how much he surprises Mike and I.. on a daily basis.. I am just glad he didn't ask for another dog or a cat.. eventhough I really do want a cat!

December 10, 2008

I am so happy that Christmas time is here - I just wish it was longer than it is - I could carry on with Christmas for months!! It's a bit hard this year... for the obvious reason. Pulling out the stockings to hang just made me sad - this is the third year of hoping for another stocking to hang up... the third year of hoping to add another member of the family on our Christmas card... the third year of hoping to hang new baby ornaments on our tree... and the third year of hoping to add another child to the grandkids picture that we take for Mom and Dad every year. It is hard not to be sad, mad and frustrated but I need to stay focused on what I do have - I just pray that God will keep me focused on the good and positive... what I have been so blessed with. I pray that I won't lose hope when it is very hard to think that there could be any hope. All I can do right now is just look at Brevin and realize how MUCH of a miracle that little boy is - I am SO blessed to have him and thankful to God for him!!

Pensacola Beach, Florida - Thanksgiving week

Mike, Brev and I had a WONDERFUL time in Pensacola Beach, Florida - it was such a nice family vacation - just to be where there are palm trees... that is pretty much all I need.. along with all the sea shells on the beach.
We drove there leaving Friday, the 21st right after Brev's Pow Wow at his school... we drove to just outside of Nashville and spent the night - got up early the next morning and then drove to Portofino on Pensacola Beach - we got there early and were not able to check in yet so we went to the grocery store to get some stuff to keep in the condo for the week. We were able to check in around 3pm and we stayed on the top floor of the tower - when we walked into our room - it literally took my breath away - I have never seen such a beautiful view - we were surrounded by water - the Santa Rosa Sound on our right and the Gulf of Mexico on our left. The condo itself was absolutely beautiful - I have never stayed in such an amazing place!













We really had a great week - the first few days were "cold" - cold for Florida.. about 55 to 65 degrees but we didn't complain - they had a spa on the resort and an indoor pool that was very warm - we also spent some of the warmer days (70 - 75 degrees) in the outdoor pools - there are 5 towers on the resort and each tower has a pool and hot tub and then outside of the spa there are pools and hot tubs and the indoor pool.







We were an hour behind in time so Brev never got used to the time change - he was up at 5:45-6:00am every morning - I didn't mind though - that meant we had more time to do stuff - I was on the beach almost every morning by 6:30am looking for shells - I could do that for hours and the shells were amazing!!!

We did.. or I should say Mike and Brev did a LOT of swimming in the pools - all Brevin wanted to do was swim. We did make a trip out to the National Naval Aviation Museum - Brev loved that - they had an area where you could sit in the airplanes - it was only half a plane but it was really was cool!!













On most days...we ate breakfast and lunch in our condo but ate out at night and we went to some really cool restaurants... our favorites were Hemmingway's - they had the best Lobster bisque and Key Lime dessert... we actually went back 2 more times just for the dessert to take back to our condo. Peg Leg Pete's Oyster Bar was also SO good - we had their crab meat stuffed crab claws, Mike had to try an Oyster Shooter - still don't know why - it looked awful!!! They are known for their Grouper so we both had Grouper sandwiches - Brev's meal came in a beach bucket - it was a lot of fun. We also ate at Surf Burger on the boardwalk - they have really good sandwiches for lunch there!!





The beach was amazing - I have never seen such a white sand beach in my life - it was beautiful. We had a couple warm days where we could acutally wear our suits and just wade in the ocean. The sunsets were amazing also!

















We had such an amazing time - Thanks to Trina... Trina's parents, Dirk and Sue - you made a week that we have been dreading to face into a wondeful, relaxing week to just focus on our family and all that we have been blessed with. Thanks for being a blessing to us and giving us such a fabulous vacation... we will forever be grateful for that!!

The sand

I just had to share this beautiful picture... I cannot take credit for it... you can check out the blog and the pictures by clicking here. It is a woman and her family from Australia... after losing their son she started writing names of those babies lost in the sand - such a beautiful thing that she is doing and I just wanted to share Troy's name - she also included a heart for the baby we lost to a miscarriage back in 2006. I found this blog through a friend who had her baby girls names written in the sand by this women...and how beautiful those pictures are!! Thanks Krista!!

Remembering Troy...

I really was hoping to get on yesterday to update my blog - I know it has been a long time - we just got back from a very wonderful trip to Pensacola Beach, Florida.
We drove there and back - on our way back... we made a stop in Holland to pick up our dog from Jodi and Elliot (thanks again guys!) and to visit Mike's Mom and Dad. Mike then suggested we stop and visit Troy's grave site... November 29 was his official due date - eventhough it had moved up twice with my ultrasounds... I hate to admit it but part of me didn't want to go - only because we still have not picked out a grave stone yet... still trying to save up for the cost... and I hate going there only to see a dead patch of grass with nothing there... we went anyways and there laying on top of the dead patch of grass was a bunch of yellow beautiful roses - it was such a wonderful sight to see if that makes any sense... I was dreading of seeing nothing and I saw roses.. it just amazes me how God takes care of me and my fears - I don't know who put the roses on his grave site and it doesn't matter - it just made me feel comforted in that moment... knowing that someone else thinks of Troy and goes to visit his grave - it was just really comforting because it kills me that I cannot go and visit whenever I want so it just really helps knowning that someone else is visiting his site... it really made me feel like I was not alone.

I still cannot believe that his due date has come and gone - I still think of him every single day - I just keep remembering my arms holding him and seeing Mike holding him also. I am still so thankful to God that even through that tragic event.. that he let Mike and I meet our son and to be able to hold him and touch him - memories we will never forget.

I am doing okay with everything... at least I think I am. The one thing I struggle with yet is talking about it with others. I will talk with Mike a little bit about it but I kind of keep to myself - it has nothing to do with anyone.. only myself - I just feel like I just end up mad, sad or frustrated with conversations... so I apologize for being a bit of a hermit and keeping to myself - hopefully that will get better.. I think I am still just really sensative to what people say... so I just avoid it all together... I am really trying to work on this... because talking about it really helps me feel like I am not alone which is what I have been feeling like lately. I just thank you all for your cards.. comments on this blog or e-mails... those help me SOOO much!!

I will post soon on my trip to Florida... it really was a wondeful and beautiful trip and so needed during this time - I will forever be grateful to Trina and her Mom and Dad for letting us stay in the most beautiful place - breathtaking!!! I will post more on that later and get a few pics up also.

A couple things...

A couple things....
First... I just wanted to say Thank You to everyone that has sent a card... and left comments - you have NO idea how much those cards... those words said... mean to me - I keep all my cards in a box and look at them every week - it really helps me get through.. especially this month... I can see and I know the wonderful support you have all given to me.. and Mike... I so appreciate it... your friendship, support, prayers - everything... I seriously cannot thank you all enough... for caring for us and being there for us... it just means so much! I love you all!

I also decided to change my profile layout to match my favorite time of the year...I know it is a touch early but if you know me - it can never be too early to start decorating for Christmas - I just needed something more cheery and bright to look at.

October 31, 2008

Halloween day for some reason was really difficult for me - it was just a day that I was so teary - I was so looking forward to taking Brev trick-or-treating but I just could not focus on that during the day - I was just heartbroken knowing that November was the very next day... I know that the more time that goes by - the easier it gets to get through the day but my heart is still so broken... I don't know if that will ever change or not... I miss Troy.. I miss being pregnant - I miss feeling him move - I felt him move only 2 days before I knew that he had passed and I am just heartbroken that he didn't get to live.. he never got to look into my eyes. I think that coming into November just really hit me that the month I was due with Troy is now already here.. and how fast it came. I received a card in the mail on Halloween day... it was perfect - I know that God knew I was having a hard day and receiveing that card was awesome... it was from my cousin and his wife - knowing that November was going to be a hard month - they remembered and sent a card saying they were thinking of us. It is amazing how God works... I am still in this spinning cycle with not feeling content - not knowing if I will ever carry a baby again... not knowing if we will be able to adopt or not... not knowing if we will be able to give Brevin a sibling... but knowing that God is still there and helping us through, giving us wonderful family and friends to help us and support us... I could not get through all of this without them. I just hope and pray that God will make it clear to us what we need to do next - I am getting frustrated doing nothing right now because I don't know what to do and each month that goes by seems like another month waisted and I don't want to continue feeling this way.

Spinning...

I am struggling today... I just cried all the way home from dropping Brev off at school - I heard on the radio a song that talked about having one life to live and to make the most of it. I just feel like I am sinking and I cannot get out. It really bothers me that my life is totally consumed by wanting another child so bad - I wish I could get that desire out of my head - it is all I think about lately and the unknown gets me so down - I don't know if I can ever carry a pregnancy again and to go into adoption - that could take years and even if we are chosen - that parent could back out on us and then we are left waiting again... I just don't know what to do and I WISH God would speak to me and tell me what it is we are supposed to do - what path he wants us to take but all I hear is silence... I just feel like my life is spinning in circles and just going no where and it is all because I just want to give Brevin a brother or sister so badly. I just want to feel content and okay with my life - the way it is right now - I want to stop hoping for another child... it is getting so emotionally draining. I just pray that God will give me some peace with what I have right now - I have so much - a wonderful husband... a wonderful son... a wonderful house to live in and wonderful friends and family... I just want to be content and at peace and happy where I am. I have only one earthly life and I don't want to continue living it the way I am... I just feel frustrated and sad today.

November might not be so bad...

So I have been dreading November coming - although I love Fall like I have mention many times before but just the fact of it being what would have been my due date... but... it might not be so bad after all. In November... I was invited to go to the Ohio Food Show where Paula Deen, Bobby Dean, Guy Fieri (spelling?) and Curtis Stone will be!! I am SO excited about that - I am such a geek when it comes to the Food Network and there is someone else out there like me that loves this kind of stuff so I am going with another Mom from Brev's school and I really cannot wait.

Also... I am having another Tastefully Simple party - I had one last year and it really was fun - tasting all the appetizers - I just love food and had a great time last year with everyone that came and hope this year will be fun also!

Then Mike and I and Brevin are going to Pensacola - we are really excited for this trip - I just hope the drive down goes well for Brevin. He is so excited to see the ocean and to hopefully collect shells... he is counting down the days - he kept asking me when we are leaving so I printed a Backyardagains calendar off of the internet and hung it on our fridge and now every morning.. he crosses off another day - it will be a nice, relaxing family vacation and we are just SO thankful that we can go.

So... I am just so grateful that God put these plans in my life (our lives) for November - I now have things to look foward to and keep me busy. God is SO good!!

October 15, 2008 - Rememberance Day

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.... for everyone that has lost a baby through miscarriage... stillbirth... premature and/or full term loss... SIDS... any infant loss. Please remember not only me but all of those that have had to endure such tragic losses.

Tonight at 7pm - everyone is invited to light a candle - to have a "wave of light" to burn for one hour - across the world to remember parents... pregnancies and infants. I will be lighting one for Troy tonight and for my miscarriage back in 2006.... I will also be lighting candles for those that I know have been through a loss.

The website for more information is:
http://www.october15th.com

It is a wonderful website - please check it out and please light a candle!

October 12, 2008

I absolutely LOVE fall - it is my favorite time of the year. Mike and I went to dinner tonight with 2 other couples... and on our drive out - just a little ways from our house I was looking out and saw the beautiful trees that are changing colors - some are so bright right now - it just brought tears to my eyes because it is all so bitter-sweet... I love fall but now fall to me has a very emotional side to it - I can't help but love seeing the beauty and being sad at the very same moment. Life goes on doesn't it... I just cannot believe we are in this season already and Thanksgiving.. Winter... Christmas is just a blink of an eye away - I still hate how time flies and it really does fly!!

Anyway...I am finally feeling better physially from my surgery - I no longer walk like an old lady - I am still quite sore... mornings and nights are the hardest but it is getting better each day - the motrin really helps along with an extremely helpful and wonderful husband!! I am very anxious to get into the gym - all the awesome meals that were brought it - well... we ate it all and are still eating it - I think I have gained 10 pounds just in the last week! I am so thankful for what everyone has done - even the simple "how are you doing today"... or... "How are you feeling"... it is amazing how much just those words mean to me - just knowing I am being thought of.. is that selfish?

I wanted to put in a devotional that I came across from The Purpose Driven Life - I receive daily devotionals over e-mail and this one just really caught my attention.


We Need Each Other: To Wait and Weep With

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 1 Peter 3:8 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***

As a pastor, I see situations daily that nobody should ever have to go through alone. Nobody should ever have to wait in the hospital while a loved one is in life-or-death surgery. No woman should ever have to wait alone for the lab report on a problem pregnancy. Nobody should ever have to wait for news from a battlefield alone. Nobody should ever have to stand at the edge of an open grave alone. Nobody should ever have to spend the first night alone when their spouse has just walked out.

Life’s tough times and tragedies are inevitable – each of us will face them. But we don’t need to go through them alone. We need God’s safety net to help hold us up through these difficult times.

What is God’s safety net? It is a group of other believers – a handful of people who are really committed to you. We call this kind of group a community. Here’s God’s plan for community: “If one part suffers, every part suffers with it” (1 Corinthians 12:26 NIV). Community is God’s answer to despair.

Romans 12:15 expresses a similar idea: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (NIV).

The first part of that verse is easy. When something good happens to someone, it’s often easy to join in on the party.

But when someone is having a tough time, it can seem more difficult. But, really, it’s simple. When you’re going through a crisis, you don’t want advice; you just want somebody to be there – to sit with you, hold your hand, put an arm around your shoulder, or cry with you.

As Paul tells us, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11 NIV). Encouraging someone else doesn’t always mean giving a pep talk or words of wisdom. Sometimes the best kind of encouragement is just sitting in silence – waiting and weeping with a friend.

Do you have a safety net – a group of fellow Christians you know you can count on in life’s toughest times? If not, go out today and begin building those friendships. The hard times in life are inevitable, and only a fool would go into them unprepared.

After reading this... I just pray to God that I will become more like this to others because this message is SO true! I don't want anyone to ever feel alone in times like these mentioned... I know this for myself... it has always been my biggest fear.. honestly.. I want to be more like Christ in this way especially - to help those that need help to get through a tough and emotional time - those time don't end a few weeks out or even a few months out... it never totally disappears no matter how much time has gone by - to feel continued support means the world!!

Doing well...

I made it though surgery - I knew I would but I was SO nervous! I got to the hospital at 11:30am for prep - was wheeled in the OR at 12:50pm and was out of the hospital at 3:00pm - it was fast! My first stop after surgery was the coffee shop for a skinny vanilla latte - I was craving that! I am on vicodin and doing pretty good - I am SO sore though - I had no idea how sore this procedure would be - walking is very hard right now as I cannot straighten up - taking a shower last night was hilarious I must say - Mike is taking such good care of me - Brev is too - he keeps asking me how I am doing and always giving me kisses and hugs - when I get up to walk, he just stares at me... I think expecting me to fall or something.. plus I look silly walking. I am so blessed with family and friends - thank you for all your prayers... cards and all the yummy meals.. and the edible fruit arrangement from my parents - ALL so very appreciated since I cannot get into the kitchen to cook at all! Thank you to Kris for sitting with Mike in the waiting room at the hospital and keeping him company and visiting me when I woke up - it was great!! To Josie for watching Brev the day of the surgery - picking him up from school and hanging out with him the rest of the afternoon... he had a blast!! Trina and Julie.. thanks for taking Brev yesterday - that was huge... we really appreciate it!! I will be back on a bit later - it still hurts a bit to sit - laying down is what feels the best right now but just wanted to thank everyone who might be reading this!!
~ Kim

Getting a bit nervous

Yep... I admit I am getting nervous for my surgery on Friday - I know it is very routine but just the thought of being put under scares me... I talked with the nurse today and she said surgery should take about 1 hour and 40 minutes - that seems like a long time... she said it might go quicker than that - maybe that is the time slot they have saved for me.. whatever the case - I am getting a little scared about the whole thing. I have to go to my doctor on Thursday because I seem to have a bit of a cold and they want to make sure my lungs are clear because they don't want to put you under if your congested - I am ready to have this over with - I know recovery might not be much fun for the first few days but I am kind of happy that I have a good week or more off work - hopefully I can just relax and let Mike take care of me!!

Surgery

Next week Friday, October 3, I will be having hernia surgery.. can you believe it?? What more can we add to 2008?? I just found out today at my Dr's appointment... I am fine with it now but when I first learned that I might have a hernia a couple days ago at my OB appointment - I about lost it, poor Mike came home from work with me crying - I was just thinking when will this end? I am just ready to have a good year and hope 2009 will bring that. On a good note - I am thankful that this is only a hernia - I was scared as to what was going on - I found this lump a few months back but thought nothing of it - it would go away and then come back but the past week is has gotten worse - it doesn't hurt - just really annoying and obvious, I was scared of what it could be... so I am glad it is something that is correctable... it just sets us back a little bit but that is okay. Pensacola is sounding really good right now - I wish we could leave today for vacation!! My doctor told me that I would have to take about 10-14 days off from work.. does that seem right? I can't imagine it would take me that long to recover... I just hope this goes okay - I am a little nervous!