An update

I just love this picture of all my boys!!!

An update:

Things are going really well... trying to adjust to the life of taking care of newborns AND a 5 year old... making sure Brev knows he is still very important and trying to give him the attention that he needs... it is hard I must say and I feel bad/guilty.. sometime Brev and I will be playing a game and then the twins start crying... I have to turn my attention to the twins and leave in the middle of a game but Brevin is doing so well with that... no jealous behavior. He really loves his brothers and I am just so proud of him!!

More update following the pictures.....

Both Ian and Alex are on the same eating schedule which is wonderful.. they eat every 3-4 hours and they eat about 3-4 ounces each time... I am able to keep up with pumping and giving them my milk during the day and they get formula at night. They sleep together in a crib right now that is in our bedroom - much easier for us getting up with them during the night. At this very moment.. they are doing pretty good at night - a typical night lately is feeding at 10pm... then again at 2-2:30am and then again between 6-7am... for the most part.. they go right to sleep after the feedings during the night (knock on wood!!).

I can't believe it has been over 5 weeks now since they were born... they are growing like crazy... Ian is no longer fitting in newborn outfits!! Ian has also already outgrown the newborn diapers! Alex is still smaller than Ian so he still fits in the newborn diapers and the newborn clothing.

They are more awake and alert - I just know they are getting closer to giving me a real smile!!

It is amazing how each of their personalities are showing through... Alex is more awake than Ian is during the day... one day Alex was wide awake and content for 3 hours straight!! I am lucky if I get a half hour of awake time with Ian... Ian LOVES to sleep!

Alex really does a lot of the same stuff that Brev did as a baby.. he sticks his tongue out when he sleeps which is what Brevin did and he has this cough when he cries which is exactly what Brevin did... plus... Alex really resembles Brevin when Brev was a baby. Ian has such a soft cry where Alex cry is really loud - it almost hurts your ears!!

They are both such sweet, sweet little boys... we just love them to pieces!!

My mom has been with us every week - coming in on Sundays and staying till Wednesday afternoon. Unfortunately.. this was her last week doing that - We are really going to miss her.. having her here and having her help. She helped with all the night-time feedings and she helped with getting Brev ready and off to school.. taking him to the bus stop every morning. She made us meals almost every night and helped with cleaning and laundry... what am I going to do without her!! Thank you Mom for everything... please come back whenever you want!!!

Right now we are dealing with a couple of stuffed up babies so we are using a lot of saline drops and suctions for their noses... they HATE having that done!! Mike and I are dealing with cold so we are washing our hands like crazy but then again... I am a freak when it comes to washing hands... I almost cringe when someone comes over and they don't wash their hands before holding a baby... especially those that are coughing and sniffing...that is my pet-peeve right now... just so you all know if your going to hold our babies... please wash your hands... and if your the slightest bit sick... don't hold them... with all the stuff that is going around lately... I just cannot chance it with newborns! :o)

Just had to be honest here!

They had a doctors appointment yesterday for their tongues... if I didn't mention it before.. they were both born tongue-tied so they had to have that clipped yesterday... it went well... better than what we were expecting and they are eating just fine... it sounds worse than what it really is... both are doing great! They have another appointment on November 16 at UofM for their hips since they were both breech at birth... they want to X-ray their hips to make sure all is okay.

I really do love being a Mom to all boys... God has blessed us so much!! I still think of Troy through out all of this though - knowing that I gave birth to 4 boys - a mom to 4 boys.. makes me want him here with us but I know he is looking down on us from Heaven... he is our guardian angel!!

I so look forward to the holidays with our boys... it has been a dream for a LONG time to have more children to celebrate all the holidays with and now that dream has come true. I honestly dreaded the holidays the past couple of years because of my miscarriage in 2006 and the loss of Troy last year... but this year I can finally say that I am excited for all the holiday stuff... I am still not sure how I am going to get my shopping done but I will figure that one out... or there will just be a lot of gift cards going out!

Anway... I just want to thank everyone again for thinking of us.. for checking in with us with a phone call... for all the cards... for all the meals that came to us and just visiting us - we love having visitors and am just thankful for all our friends and family that have been there for us the past five.. almost six weeks now! I love you all so much!!!

Thank you God for blessing us with such wonderful family and friends!!

New pictures of my boys...

This is Alex
This is Ian
I already posted these on Facebook but I just love these pictures so I thought I would put them on my blog also.

Things are going good... lack of sleep is hard but these babies are just such a miracle... such a blessing... I know sleep will eventually come so we just have to enjoy a little more snuggle time during the night right now because before we know it... they will be 5 years old and heading to Kindergarten!!!

Brevin is still doing so well with the twins... he kisses them when he leaves for school and when he goes to bed at night... when things get a bit crazy he just plays by himself and he just knows to wait... sometimes I feel guilty but he is just handling it all so well... did I already mention how blessed we are??

I just love all my boys!

Update on the boys...

Just an update on the boys... we are all doing really well... tired needless to say but doing well. The boys feed about every 3-4 hours around the clock. It is amazing to see their personalities already coming through!

Alex.. he is SO layed back... we literally have to wake him up to feed him. He loves to sleep and he LOVES to be wrapped in the warmest blanket that we have.. he shivers because he is always cold. He is a sqeaky boy.. always making sqeaky noises... he can be wide awake looking around for a whole hour.. very alert!

Ian on the other hand.. is always hot and would prefer to be without a warm blanket. He reminds us of Brevin as a baby.. a little more on the fussy side. He loves to eat and is always first to be up to be fed. He is not a sleeper (at night) and he tends to be the one that like to keep Mom and Dad up at night.... he LOVES to be held and loves to sleep in his boppy pillow.

They are both doing so well and they both eat really well also... my milk had finally come in but they just don't want to nurse... they get SO upset when I try and it just breaks my heart so for now I am just pumping and giving them the milk with bottles but I am just so happy that I am able to pump and keep up with their feedings!!

Big brother Brevin is doing so well with the boys... he is a little leary with holding them.. he says he likes to hold the squeaky one (Alex)... Ian moves around a lot so he would just prefer feeding him the bottle while I hold him. He loves his brothers and does so well with them.

Wednesday we have an ultrasound appointment in Ann Arbor with Alex on his kidney so we are hoping that it goes well and whatever problem that Alex had has already corrected itself... I will post an update after we find out the results. We have another pediatrician appointment this Friday afternoon.. I am so anxious to see how the boys are growing!!!

So that is the update for now... I just want to say thank you to all those that have called and sent cards.. gifts.. and for all the yummy meals and treats - we are so blessed to have such good friends and family that check in on us all the time... thank you so much!!

Here are a few recent pictures of the boys!!

Ian and Alex

Ian

Alex

Pictures

Some more recent pictures: First bath... this is Ian

Here is Alex

All wrapped in their towels


Brevin feeding his brother Alex

Alex and Ian

We are Home!!

How absolutely amazing that we were able to ALL come home together yesterday.... Ian and Alex are doing so well.... Sleep is a little hard to come by but NO complaints from me!!

I am SOOO SOOO thankful that my Mom is staying with us for a while... she is getting Brev up from bed.. getting him breakfast... getting him dressed... getting his backpack ready for school... dropping him off at the bus stop... picking him up from school... getting him lunch.. supper... etc.. PLUS making supper for Mike and I and doing laundry... cleaning house AND getting up during the night to help with feedings and changing diapers - we are so lucky to have her here.. thanks Mom for ALL that you are doing.. it helps us BIG time.. you have NO idea!!!

We had our first pediatrician appointment today... both boys are doing good. Alex now weighs 5 pounds 14 ounces and Ian is 6 pounds 7 ounces... all normal for losing a little bit of weight but these boys eat SO well and poop like champs!! I am bummed because my milk has not come in and I so badly want to nurse these boys so we will see what happens!

I will try to post a few more pictures... I have plenty to choose from on my camera... it will probably take my computer all day to download!!

Thanks for all your notes.. cards.. comments and phone calls - we so appreciate everything!!!

God is so good and we are just SO thankful for these little guys... hope you can all meet them in person soon!!!

Our Miracle Babies are here!!

We are SO blessed.... on Monday, September 28, 2009 our little boys came into this world.

Ian Joseph was born at 10:37 am, weighing 6 pounds 14 ounces, 20 inches long.

Alex William was born at 10:39am, weighing 6 pounds 5 ounces, 19 1/4 inches long.

What an amazing miracle that just unfolded before us... the c-section was wonderful... it all happened so fast... to hear the first cries of the babies was God's way of saying that all is going to be good... we were blessed with such a wonderful pregnancy and now blessed with 2 very beautiful little boys.

We are still at the hospital... Alex had some blood sugar issues so he had to stay 2 nights in the NICU.. we were still able to do all his feedings and be wih him.. it was just hard not having him in the room with us and Ian.. but he is doing awesome now!

We are planning on going home tomorrow along with our two boys... God is absolutely amazing... blessing us with a pregnancy that we have so long waited for and then blessing us with 2 beautiful boys.. healthy and well. Thank you God for these amazing gifts from you!!

Getting anxious.. nervous.. you name it...

We had our 35 week appointment this past Wednesday and all is still going very well... another ultrasound showed the boys doing really well. We did have a "practice" run to the hospital this past Monday night.. I was feeling horrible the whole day with TONS of braxton-hicks... I called my Dr. and he told me to go in to make sure I was not in labor. After about an hour and half we were sent home... I was contracting anywhere from 2 to 7 minutes but nothing strong or consistant and I have not dilated at all. But at least we know exactly where to go when we do go to the hospital.

After talking with the Doctor this past Wednesday.. he decided to schedule me a week earlier than we were originally planning on. Because of the diabetes and the cholestasis.. we scheduled a c-section for Monday, September 28 at 10am. Both babies are breech so really no hope for an induction. I can't believe this wil be a week from Monday.. we are getting SO close!!!

I am scared out of my mind... not only for the procedure.. but for the babies.. I just hope and pray they hang in there till the 28th and that they continue to do well and that they are healthy and strong. With having diabetes and cholestasis there are many risks the farther into pregnancy you go... so hang in there little guys!!

I am doing well... I still feel pretty good.. the only thing that is bothersome is my back - it really hurts and it is hard getting comfortable... sleeping is pretty much non-existant right now.

We are ready though... just waiting for that Monday.... there is still the chance of me going into labor before that date but we will see what happens... just hoping for an amazing outcome and that everyone will be fine!!!

Thank you God for such a wonderful pregnancy and just blessing us with 2 more little boys.. I just pray that everything will go well with the delivery! We are so incredibly blessed!!!

34 + weeks...

I am just passed 34 weeks - I cannot believe we have made it this far - God sure has blessed us! My appointment was yesterday and I met with the new doctor on staff - she is super nice. The ultrasound went good - got to see our boys... one had the hiccups so that was really cute to see on the screen.. him bouncing around... we also saw that they are both practicing breathing and we got to see their faces! They estimate their weights to be just shy of 6 pounds each!

It was a long appointment - lots to discuss. Baby A is still breech so the likelyhood of him turning are getting very slim so it looks like I will be scheduling a c-section. I have all the paperwork filled out for the procedure but I need to meet with my doctor that I have been seeing throughout this whole pregnancy next week to discuss a date. Since I am on medication for possible cholestasis.. they might have me deliver at 37 weeks which would bring me to the last week in September... otherwise it looks like October 2 might be the day. I will admit that I am VERY nervous for the c-section... with all the risks that go along with it... bleeding too much (transfusion) ... infection... etc... it really does make me a bit scared... but I know it is routine and I believe that God has put me in good hands!

I felt bad for Mike... my doctor had told me that anyone that is going to be helping us with these babies needs to get a flu shot so there we are in the doctors office signing papers to get the shot.. Mike's reaction "we are getting it now?" what a trooper - he took the shot and I did too. Now my mom needs to get one also because she will be staying with us for a good amount of time... and poor Brev.. he will not like getting this done at his appointment!!

All-in-all.... we are just getting excited and nervous as the end of this pregnancy is fast approaching... we are so excited to meet these little ones and nervous that everything will be okay with the whole procedure... lots to take in. So we just ask for your prayers that all will go well and smooth - prayers for the doctors and nurses and that we all come home strong and healthy!

Here is a picture that I took of myself today to show how BIG I am getting... I can't even put that shirt on that I had in the other pictures.. totally grew out of that!!

Thanks for reading!!

My Father-in-law....

This past weekend my Father-in-law passed away... it has been an eye opener for me.. to watch my husband deal with his father's illness and to watch him take care of his dad in his last few days still brings tears to my eyes. There is SO much love in that family... I have never once felt like an in-law... this whole family has always made me feel like I was just a part of the family as everyone else and my father-in-law was also one that made me feel this way... He always was so happy to see us! He loved us so much and it showed in everyway... he loved his whole family. I was so blessed to be able to see him through out these past few weeks.. with being pregnant with twins and this far along I had no idea if I was going to be able to travel to Holland or not but each appt. I have.. I get clearance from my Dr. that I can go - under some conditions but just the fact that I was/am able to still go and be with my husband and his whole family... I am truely blessed.... there is no other place I would rather be.

I am so happy that despite the situation... my husband was able to hold his Dad's hand and be right by his side until his final breath - God sure was in that room with everyone that was there the night he passed.

It was amazing that in his final days... he was still able to give my son a high five.. he was still able to look everyone in their eyes and to speak a few words.. waving goodbye with his hands and request that he really wanted to see all his grandchildren one more time. There is NO doubt in my mind that God's arms were wrapped around my father-in-law and everyone else that came up there to visit him and be with him.

Seeing my husband go through this difficult time has been such a spiritual experience for me... it is so hard to explain but it just makes me love my husband even more... he is an amazing guy and has just the BIGGEST heart.... really.. his whole family has the biggest hearts... God has blessed me with so much by marrying Mike and joining this wonderful and amazing family.

So in closing this post.. I just ask for prayers for this week... as the family copes through the loss of a Dad... husband... uncle... brother... and Grandpa... it is hard saying final goodbyes but knowing how much he has given each and every family member through these past few weeks... all I can say is... God is Good!!

A bit overwhelmed...

I had another Dr. appointment today and happy to report that everything is looking good - our boys are growing.. they are measuring approx. 4 to 4 1/2 pounds each... which puts them at about 70th percentile for a single pregnancy. We are really excited that they are doing well. I started itching a little bit on my lower stomach and on my fingers so my Dr. is going to send in blood work to be done to rule out Cholestasis... this is what we think I may have had last year when our baby boy Troy died. The itching this time around is totally not where it was last time so hopefully it is just pregnancy related but if it is Cholestasis then there is treatment for that.

I have been feeling pretty good.. I am slowing down a lot more lately and started to get a bit swollen in my ankels/feet and fingers... all what I expect!!

Mike and I are a bit overwhelmed because our Dr. came in with the nurse and another Dr. that just joined the team - they all stood lined up against the wall and we discussed the birthing process... weighing out the pros and cons of a natural delivery with twins vs. a c-section with the twins... ultimately it is up to Mike and I. My Dr. will not let me go over 38 weeks so if I don't go into labor by then... I will have these babies by October 5. Now is the part of scheduling an induced labor or c-section if I don't go into labor by then... this is the hard part - it is up to Mike and I and we just don't know what to decide. I know I have time to think things over but I honestly don't think I will have an answer by my next appointment.. that is a hard decision. So we are giving this to God.. we are just going to pray that God will give us the answer that is best for the health of the babies and my health as well... honestly.. my prayer is that I go into labor on my own before 38 weeks (but not too soon!) and then we will take things from there.

So.. all-in-all... we are just SO incredibly blessed that we made it to this point... 31 weeks and counting and that the babies are doing good... God is so good and he has blessed us with SO much!!!

29 week appt..

We had yet another appointment yesterday and we got another glimpse of our boys with another ultrasound... they are doing well!! My next appointment will be in 2 weeks where they will measure them again to see how big they are getting. My blood sugars are doing okay since I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes... they are on the low side now so I was told that I am being a bit overly cautious... I also lost 2 pounds in one week so I need to start putting a bit more carbs back into my diet.. they don't want my sugars getting too low but at least they are not high anymore - I think it will just take a little bit of time to get things figured out with my diet.. what works and what doesn't work.

I am feeling good though - just tired but that is to be expected and I am not complaining at all!!

We are just so blessed to have made it to this point - every new day is a gift from God!!

Here is a 29 week photo of me. I put on the same thing I had on in the last picture just to see if it looks like my belly grew...

27 weeks tomorrow...

I had another appointment today and the boys are doing really well - we got to peek at them again with an ultrasound... fluid is good.. cervix is good so we are very happy about that.

I did find out that I have gestational diabetes though and low iron... I started a suppliment for the iron and have a consultation with a dietician this Thursday for the diabetes... we are going to give it a try with controlling this with diet - I have a glucose monitor and have to check my blood 4 times a day - if the diet works then I don't have to go on insulin but if it doesn't.. then the insulin it is. This explains a bit why I have been feeling nauseous and tired - hopefully this will make me feel better... Good bye to all my sweets but we are just so thrilled that the babies are doing well - that is all I care about!

Next appt is in 2 weeks again - it will be another long ultrasound to check weight and do more measurements.

Thank you Lord for another great appointment! Truely a blessing!!

Krista

Today I am thinking and praying for a friend who one year ago today.. gave birth to two beautiful girls at 23 weeks.... Brooke and Alexcyn. Brooke had passed shortly after birth and Alexcyn held on for 3 days.
I pray for Krista and Jason as they try so hard to get through today and the next few days.

Lord... please be with Krista and Jason today... as they try to cope through the year anniversary of losing their precious girls... please surround them with family and friends so they may feel the support and love that they really need right now... and may they feel your Heavenly arms wrapped around them.
In Your Name I Pray.... Amen.

Happy Birthday Brevin!!!

Happy Birthday to my sweet little boy.. who is not so little anymore!!! We didn't do a whole lot today.. still recovering from all the festivities this past weekend but we did let Brevin choose where he wanted to go for dinner... he choose Mr. B's - they have video games that he can play so we had a great dinner with him.. just Me, Mike and Brevin.. then afterwards we took Brevin to the "Ice Cream Train" for dessert... it was a fun evening. He is such a blessing.. such a sweet boy and I just cannot believe he is 5. We love you so much Brevin.. you have NO idea how much of a miracle you are to us... we have been blessed so much with you in our lives.. we are so proud to be your parents!!! Happy 5th Birthday!!

The weekend

This past weekend was exhausting but one of the best and SO worth the exhaustion.

We celebrated Brevin's 5th birthday with family and friends - it was perfect!! The weather started out rough but ended up being absolutely beautiful. The most important... Brevin had a blast. I have to post on here a HUGE thank you to my parents for coming in Thursday night and working non-stop on making this party awesome... My Dad worked hard on the basement with Mike and Kris and my Mom ran errands with me and pretty much put the whole party together for me.... Judy and Roger helped also and I am so grateful for everything. I honestly feel guilty for putting this party on and others working so hard on it. THANK YOU!!!


I cannot believe that tomorrow, July 14, is Brev's 5th birthday... time flies as they say and it sure does... it is just so scary how fast he is growing up but it is fun to see him grow and learn new things - he is an amazing boy and we are so blessed to have him!!!


The ending to the weekend was a surprise... a surprise baby shower... for me!! What a fun time and what amazing friends and family that I have! That meant so much to me that someone would do that... for me... thanks Laurie and to everyone!!



So... all-in-all... it really was a wonderful weekend and now I am ready to rest up a bit - it took a lot out of me but like I said... it was ALL so worth it!!

**Update**

25 weeks exactly.. I should just have Mike take a picture of me instead of me doing the cheesy self shot in the mirror but I don't think of it when he is home.

I am at 25 weeks now and had another appointment today... all is still going very well and I am SOOOO thankful for that... the Dr. checked my cervix... the fluid around the babies and measured the babies... all is looking good and each baby is estimated to be 2 pounds each... Amazing!! I think all my weight gain is helping these babies gain too. We had another ultrasound so we were able to see our little guys - baby B is still not really willing to show his face to us.. he is positioned where his face is facing my back so it is hard to get a good profile shot of him... we have one of baby A though. I am heading in this week to do my glucose test - hopefully I will pass.. I didn't with Brevin and had to do the 3 hour test.. we will see what happens... my next appt. is in 2 weeks again.. I will receive my Rhogam shot because I have the O negative blood type. All-in-all my Dr. seems pleased with everything and I am again so thankful for that!!!
Just a quick update for everyone!

Thanks again for all your prayers, notes, e-mails etc... I am so lucky and blessed to have so much support!!

Here are some ultrasound pics of our boys... sorry.. the quality is not all that great. The first picture is of Twin 1, the second is the foot of Twin 2 and the third picture is the obvious gender of Twin 2. Thanks Trina for scanning these!

Friday's appointment

I had another appointment this past Friday - it was a long appointment - the babies are still doing well - we got another ultrasound and were able to still see them moving around.. they are getting big.. along with me.. I cannot believe how much weight I have gain but my Dr. is very pleased with that! I have been having this "rib" pain for the past few weeks and I remember having something similar when I was pregnant with Brev... I mentioned it to the doctor and he asked me a few questions about it and then tried to feel where the pain was... he then sent me to the lab to get my blood drawn to make sure there is nothing going on with my pancreas... checking to see if it might be inflamed or something so that got me a little worried - I am still waiting for the results on that - hopefully no news is good news.

I started getting Braxton-Hicks contractions - that does worry me - last night at work they just seemed to be coming and going - it is sometimes hard to tell when one is starting or when they end - my stomach always feels tight so I am keeping an eye on it and just hope and pray that all is okay and that these babies stay in me for a long time yet! The nurse at my last appointment told me that I would probably start feeling the braxton-hicks and sure enough... I am. She said it is pretty normal for that to start happening and to just keep an eye on it - they don't want it to be a consistant thing everyday so needless to say.. I am worried... but just praying that God will take my worries away.... along with these contractions!

Thursday is my last day of work - it is getting really hard to be there - I am on my feel for 5 1/2 hours straight - I do take sit-down breaks but it all depends on how busy things are.. plus I am bending down a lot at work (cleaning and picking up after people) - up and down stairs etc... it is just not comfortable anymore.

Hopefully I can try relax this week and try to put my feet up more. I just keep praying for these boys.. that they stay nice and comfortable inside me for another 3 months!!

Thanks everyone for all the prayers, notes and phone calls - means so much to me!!!

June 13, 2009

I cannot believe it has been one year since we met our little boy Troy and one year since we had to say goodbye to him. Sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday and sometimes it seems like it was a ages ago... I don't know why but no matter how long it has seemed.. that day will always live on with me - I can still remember every detail of that day... how hard and incredibly emotional that day was... the sadness of that day has not left me - I tear up everytime I think of that day in the hospital holding my little boy and just feeling so broken and having NO idea how I was going to get through - I literally wanted to die. The support I got was so overwhelming though... God really did surround me with family and friends and I will forever be grateful and thankful to HIM and to everyone that helped Mike and I through. I somehow find comfort in the visions I have of my Grandma Maggie and Mike's Grandma Sadie holding our little boy in Heaven... and loving him to pieces... knowing that one day we will be with him again and holding him in our arms.

I end this post with a message that was on one of the cards that I received when we lost Troy.

"God will never leave you... He knows how it feels to have a broken heart. He knows how much you need comfort and healing... But He won't hurry you or ask you to feel better until you're ready. He simply promises to be there by your side... comforting you always."

Another great appointment!!

I had my official ultrasound today that took close to an hour... both baby boys are doing really well - both are at the 1 pound mark - one is 16 oz and the other is 15 oz which the dr. is extremely pleased with... he said that is a normal weight for a singleton pregnancy at 20 weeks... Yeah!! My Dr. told me a while back that I need to gain 20 pounds by June 5 and I am happy to report that I have done that!! Eventhough I feel so heavy... I will gain whatever I need to keep these babies happy and healthy.
I was so nervous for this appointment.. I have been feeling fetal movement but only on one side and I was worried something was wrong with one of the babies... come to find out - they are both on one side and one of the boys has an anterior placenta.. which means the placenta is in front of the baby so that cushions the kicks where I cannot feel them as well as I do with the other baby.

I wish I had a scanner so I could post pictures of our little ones - I will try to use a friends scanner and post some pictures soon. One of the scans showed all four feet right together... all feet up.. both head down.. that was so amazing.. they were in a "spooning" position.. so they are keeping close to each other.

My next appointment is again in 2 weeks.

I believe that Mike and I finally settled on names for these little guys - it was really hard coming up with names that we both liked but I think we finally did it... we are still not sure if we are going to share the names or let it be a surprise when they are born. One thing I can tell you is that they are very common boy names.. nothing unique like Brevin's name where you really don't hear that name very often.

I am so thankful to God for another wonderful appointment. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers for us today... we are thrilled and excited and are just praying that these babies will continue to grow and stay in me for at least another 3 months!!

June

June is here.. already... a month I honestly have been dreading. I can't believe it has been almost a year now. A year since I gave birth to our little boy and had to say hello and goodbye the same day - it was on Friday, June 13, Father's day weekend. I get asked if being pregnant helps coping through that loss.. and to some extent it does but it does not erase the memory of what Mike and I went through that day - that day is still SO clear in my head - the emotions of that day are still with me. I still tear up everytime I think of Troy and still wonder what would have been. It is still really hard not knowing what happened... why he died. It was the hardest thing to hold our son, lifeless.. to be able to touch him but then having to let him go. Our dreams were crushed that day but our love for that little boy will always go on.

So, June 13 is fast approaching - I get asked what we are going to do that day and I honestly don't know.. I don't know what to do.. what is the right thing to do.. what is the wrong thing to do. I have some family coming into town that weekend that I haven't seen in a long time and there is going to be a family party on that Sat. June 13 at my Uncle and Aunts house.. on a lake - we always have such a good time when we go there. Part of me wants to go but then will I feel guilty if I have a good time. Part of me wants to stay home but will I just be depressed all day long - I can't do that with my 4 year old. Whatever I do.. I know that day - a year ago is going to be playing out in my head - knowing what I was doing each hour of that day, from the minute that ultrasound showed no heartbeat.. to the minute I checked into the hospital.. to the minute the Dr. induced labor... to the minute I gave birth to Troy.. to the minute I held him in my arms.. to the minute I had to say goodbye to him. It will be a hard day no matter what and I almost wish someone would just tell me what to do but I know that is my choice. I just want Troy to be remembered and not forgotten.. I know I won't forget but I think I have a fear that others will?? Not sure if that makes sense or not.

Hopefully I will figure out what to do but for now.. I just want to get through this month. I miss my little man so much!!

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 5:7
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

18 weeks

We made it... 18 weeks today and to top it off... we had another good appointment. They didn't do any measurements of the boys just checked the fluid and checked my cervix - all looks good. I was getting worried because I would feel the babies move one day and then nothing the next day and the ultrasound showed them moving all around so that made me feel much better.. the nurse said that it is still a bit early to feel them move all the time or every day and for me not to worry. Now I just want to get to the 20 week mark. My next appointment is on June 5 - that will be my big long ultrasound where they check the anatomy of both boys to see how they are growing so I just ask for prayers... that these babies are healthy and that they will continue to grow and stay put in me for a long time!!
I think I can sleep tonight now.. I never sleep well the night before my appointments - I just get so worried and worked up.. I know it's not good but that is just me.. I prayed hard and I am just thankful to God.. again.. for another good day... like I have said before.. each new day is a new milestone for Mike and I to celebrate. We are so excited for these boys!!
Thank you again God!!

What we are having.....

Well.. I think I can announce here on my blog since we have told our parents in person... at our last appointment which I just wrote about in my other post.... we found out we are having 2 boys!! I had to share.. I am so excited and I love even more that I feel them moving around!!! So now on to coming up with some boy names - if you have any suggestions, let me know!
Here is a recent pic of me:

Update...

My 16 week appointment was yesterday - extremely nervous with this appointment but all still seems to be going well which I am SO thankful for!! We got more ultrasound pictures - I think I could put a book together with how many ultrasound pictures we have gotten over the past 12 weeks. I started feeling the babies move so that was very exciting. I already gained 10 pounds... 10 more to go by June 5 according to my doctor....I go back again in 2 weeks.

I am excited to be coming back to my home town this weekend for the festival and to see family.. but mother's day is going to be a bit hard this year because I am a mother to a child who will not be here and it just makes me sad all over again - there still isn't a single day that goes by where I don't think of Troy... so Sunday we will be making a special trip to visit his grave site. I know how blessed I am to have Brevin in my life and to be pregnant again but it does not take away the pain of losing Troy - I miss him and always will.

Happy Mother's day to everyone... to those who have children.. those who have lost children and pregnancies and to those who long to be mothers... because no matter what.. we are all mothers and we all deserve to be recognized and not forgotten.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

My appointment with the Perinatalogist went well on Friday - I am extremely nervous because Mike was not able to come with me - I fear appointments where I have to go by myself - bless Mike's heart - he tries really hard to be there for me and 99% of the time he is but he just was not able to this time. I got there 20 minutes early but they took me right in and immediately did an ultrasound - I can never look at the screen right away because I am SO scared of what I might see.. or what I might not see... but right away the tech said she had both heartbeats in view so then I looked and saw both babies - they are getting bigger! They are still measuring really well and their heart rates are at 153 - both of them exactly at 153... I am thinking boys! Brevin's heartbeat at this stage was also at 153. After the ultrasound I met with my Dr. and we talked for 45 minutes about everything - he said the chromosome test came back negative so that was good. We also talked about nutrition and weight gain - he wants me to gain 20 pounds by 20 weeks - by June 5 - he said that weight gain is going to help these babies stay healthy... he gave me 2 books to read on nutrition... what to expect... what to do... what not to do.. etc...
He took me off 2 medications, the lovenox (blood thinner shots) and the progesterone.. but still on the 3 vitamins a day and some baby asprin.

I will be 14 weeks on Tuesday so I am officially in my second trimester - little did I know that 1 - 13 weeks is first trimester - I thought 12 weeks but anyway. I am going to see him again on May 5 and every two weeks after that till about 20 weeks then I might start going every week.

All-in-all... things are still going well - I am slowly letting myself get excited - it is hard, I will admit.

Every appointment that I make it to is SUCH a milestone... a miracle to me. God is amazing and I am just so grateful!

A good weekend

This Easter weekend was a lot of fun... my parents came over for the whole weekend - I always miss my parents but I never realize how much until I see them. My Dad and Mike... along with Mr. Kris, as Brev calls him, worked hard on our basement - we are in the process of finishing it so our church can meet at our house - we are currently meeting at our house - just in our living room on Sundays but we will have more room downstairs soon as it is finished. My Mom worked hard on helping me clean my house.. although she did most of it... I felt bad about it but she kept insisting... it really was nice. We had a very nice church service at our house - I was outside with Trina and all the kids doing an egg hunt around our house - it was fun and we were so thankful for such good weather - the kids loved being outside.
After church... Kris and Trina and their children stayed and joined us for Easter dinner with my Mom and Dad - it was wonderful. Kris and Trina's son Josiah had Easter pizza for dinner and Brevin has Easter pancakes for dinner - neither wanted any part of what us adults were eating - it was cute. It was just such a nice time... a fun day.

I am feeling pretty good so far today - I was feeling okay this weekend - I had some moments where I just had to lay down. Tomorrow I will be at 13 weeks - I will admit that I am starting to get a bit nervous although I am trying not too - I am getting closer and closer to the point where I lost Troy last year and I just hope and pray for a miracle to God that I will make it right through that date and keep on going with these babies. My next appointment is this Friday.

I just want to say thank you again to everyone who is praying for us - the support is so wonderful and ovewhelming in such a good way... I am so thankful to God for such awesome family and friends that he put in our lives - it is your prayers, thoughts, comments and cards that are getting us through each day. Thank you!!

April 7, 2009

I had another appointment today in Ann Arbor - Babies are still doing well - we have the chromosome tests done today - it was just an ultrasound where they did a bunch of measurements and they also drew my blood - they are checking for 4 different possible chromosomal problems - we won't know the results for about 10 days but it was just great to see the babies again and to see them moving around.

I have come down with a horrible cold with aches and a slight fever - which worries me because you really don't want to have a fever while pregnant so I just hope this all clears up soon. It is Tuesday so again I got sick this morning - I don't understand why Tuesdays but at least it is predictable right?

God is amazing and we are so thankful again for this appointment - that we got to see our babies.

I am off to lay down now!

Appointment

Psalm 30:12
"that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!"

I had my appointment today with the Perinatologist and I am so thankful for a good appointment. Mike and I first walked into the ultrasound room - it was very dark in there with a TV screen on the wall infront of us - here we go, I thought to myself... I was so nervous to look at the screen - but the second the nurse put that wand on my belly there we saw on the TV the two most sweetest hearbeats and the two babies moving around - we got to see both of their heads and arms and legs and we even heard the heartbeats.. the sweetest sounds I will have ever heard... Mike held my hand and I just teared up because they were doing okay and to see them moving was such a blessing! We got wonderful pictures of our babies - I wish I had a scanner so I could post them on here. They are measuring at 11 weeks 3 days and 11 weeks 4 days.

After the ultrasound we sat down with a nurse and the doctor to talk about my previous pregnancies... this pregnancy and just about everything... my regular OB doctor had called this doctor to discuss my prenatal care while I was there and both were in agreement that I should continue to see the perinatologist so... I have a new doctor and now a new hospital to deliver at - the hospital in Howell only takes deliveries from 36 weeks on but the one in Ann Arbor is a hospital that is prepared for premature deliveries before 35 weeks so that is where I am going to go and that way I don't have to be trasferred from one hospital to another - I will be right where I need to be. I will be seeing this dr a lot - I have an appointment set up already for next week and also for the week after that.

I am SOOO thankful to God for another wonderful appointment and that we got to see these tiny miracles that are growing inside of me!

I'm still feeling sick and tired - Tuesdays for some reason seem to be my mornings to get sick - no idea why but that is totally fine with me... pasta seems to help.. I did get these preggie pops... candy drops that are supposed to settle the sick feeling but I can't even eat those now - water is hard to drink but if I dump a lot of lemon juice in it.. it really helps.. along with milk mixed with Carnation Instant Breakfast mix - that is so yummy - I could drink that all day long.

Thank you again for all your prayers - we feel them all and will always be so grateful for all your support!!

I had my appointment today with my OB... it went really well - both babies are measuring well and have good heartbeats. Baby A was moving all over the place - even waved to Mike and I... baby B moved a bit also but not as much - we couldn't get a good picture on baby B and that made me a bit nervous but the doctor didn't seem concerned - with baby A.. we could make out the whole body - face and all but we couldn't do that with baby B... but they are both measuring to date so I just hope and pray that all is okay with baby B. We have an appointment with the Perinatalogist next week Tuesday.

I am feeling the morning sickness through out the day but I really take that as a good sign - as horrible as it is to feel lousy.. I am still so thankful that I do feel lousy.

Thank you again for all your prayers - Mike and I would not be able to get through this without every single one of you - we are SOOO blessed to have such wonderful family and friends!!

Thank you God for a great appointment today and that we got to see both babies, each day is a new gift from You!!

Just an update - I had another ultrasound appointment this past Wednesday and all looked good - one of the babies was moving all over the place which was so cool to see. The other baby was not moving at all and that really worried me but the doctor assured me that it was fine. They are measuring well and still have hearts beating which is such a blessing to see. They ran a bunch of blood work on me and all came out fine so I am thankful for that. I have an appointment with a Perinatologist in Ann Arbor on March 31 (high risk doctor). I see my regular ob next week Wednesday and will most likely have another ultrasound.
So... that is my update in a nutshell. We appreciate ALL the prayers and the calls and cards/notes and e-mails - means more to us than anything... just knowing we have so much support it brings me to tears.... God is in total control of this and we just need to keep our faith in him... I am praying for a miracle!!

A new chapter

Well... we are moving into a new chapter of our lives - if you haven't heard already (and I truely apologize if you haven't) but we are expecting again... it honestly happened fast but we are so excited and so scared. I found out I was pregnant on February 7 - took a home pregnancy test that came out positive... it was confirmed with a blood test that following Monday. We had our first appointment 2 weeks later where we learned we were expecting twins! Yes.. 2 babies. At first one of the babies measured behind so we weren't sure if maybe there was something wrong or if one just implanted later than the other... the next ultrasound show that all was okay - we saw their beating hearts - such a sweet thing to see. We just had another ultrasound today - I am over 8 weeks now and all is still looking well - I couldn't help but cry after today's appointment - we are just SO blessed that God gave us another chance... AND 2 babies. We are just now praying for a miracle that these babies will grow healthy and that we will hold healthy babies in our arms come October.

For now - I am seeing my doctor every week - because we have no idea what happened with Troy and the pregnancy back in 2006 - he is just monitoring me more. I am on a blood thinning medication - a shot that I have to give myself everyday as precaution and I am on 3 vitamins a day, progesterone and baby asprin. So far it is going well. I was scared at first because I felt so good - I was literally begging God to make me feel sick because that makes me feel better mentally... knowing that those babies are in there and taking all that they need from me. Well.. now I am feeling sick all day long - not throwing up but I seem close at times but I am SOOOO thankful for it all.

For anyone that is reading this - I.. we.. just ask for prayers for this pregnancy. Like I said.. I am just praying for a miracle - these babies are already a miracle and I am so thankful to God!!

Devotional

When the Future Seems Uncertain
by Rick Warren


“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans … to give you a future and a hope … You will find me when you seek me, if you look for me in earnest.” Jeremiah 29:11, 13 (LB)


*** *** *** ***


No matter what the pollsters, pundits, and prognosticators claim, no one can accurately predict all that is going to happen in the next year, let alone the next few days or weeks. Our best forecasts are just educated guesses.


Change is not only increasing in speed and intensity, but also in unpredictability. How can anyone succeed when the future is so uncertain?


The Bible suggests three timeless principles for facing an uncertain future:


1. Set goals according to God’s direction. It’s foolish to make plans without first consulting God. He’s the only one who does know the future – and he’s eager to guide you through it.


The Bible says, “We may make our plans, but God has the last word” (Proverbs 16:1 GNT). In other words, planning without praying is presumption. Start by praying, “God, what do you want me to do in 2009?”


2. Live one day at a time. While you can plan for tomorrow, you can’t live it until it arrives. Most people spend so much time regretting the past and worrying about the future, they have no time to enjoy today!


John Lennon once wrote, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” Decide to make the most of each moment this year. Jesus said, “Don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time” (Matthew 6:34 LB).


3. Don’t procrastinate. Do it now! “Don’t boast about what you’re going to do tomorrow, for you don’t know what a day may bring forth” (Proverbs 27:1).


Procrastinating is a subtle trap. It wastes today by postponing things until tomorrow. You promise yourself that you’ll do it “one of these days.” But “one of these days” is usually “none of these days.”


What did you plan to get done last year that you didn’t do? When do you intend to start working on it?

My week so far

Honestly... this week has just been a bit emotional for me - physically I have been pretty busy - with Brev's school - helping in his class and aiding in the 3's class plus putting more hours in at work but just feeling down... I swear... If I hear one more person announce their pregnancy.. I think I am going to scream - I know that sounds horrible - I honestly could not be happier for them and I just pray their baby's are healthy and that they have a very healthy pregnancy with amazing outcomes!! It is just extrememly hard watching friends and just people I know whether from work or just people I see at the grocery store living out what I dream for the most. It is hard seeing it be so easy for most and so hard for us... to want something so bad but to only watch others get what I want so much... I sound SO selfish and I hate that also... I have just been in this mode lately where I just keep repeating to myself that I may never have another child - over and over again - I just want to be able to accept it - maybe if I keep saying it I will accept it but I am no where near close to that yet... it still kills me that Brev may be an only child - I don't want that for him.. I never have but I may be forced to just accept it.. that might be what it is and there is nothing I can do about it but it is SO hard seeing the rest of the world grow their families.... just a rough start to this week I guess but hopefully my "business" will get me through and hopefully mask some of my emotions... next week will be better right? Now that I vented and had a good cry.. I feel just a bit better.

January 26, 2009

I honestly don't know what to post but it has been a while... we are back with our infertility doctor - trying to figure things out and moving forward - I'm both excited and extremely scared... just not sure what to think of all of this but we will see what happens. I am super busy this week - we are short on staff at the gym so I am working every night this week plus Brevin has a Nature Center trip on Wednesday morning... I get to go with him - that should be fun and then I work in his classroom on Friday - I am hoping for a very relaxing Saturday!

January 7, 2009

I feel horrible - it was brought to my attention by a friend of mine that I have been really pulling away.. they thought I was mad for some reason because I have not been communicating as much as I used to. I seriously don't mean for it to come off this way.. I know I have been more to myself and not really keeping in touch with friends... I am still on this emotional rollercoaster - I have up and down days... It is really hard not knowing if our future holds anymore children for Mike and I... wondering if Brev will be an only child which I never wanted to happen but I have NO control over that... I feel like no one understands that sometimes because so many that I know have no problems having babies and they don't know what it is like to feel this way... so I guess I feel alone in this and that is why I have been pulling away from friends... I just don't want anyone to feel like I am mad because that is not what I am. I am just still searching for some kind of peace in all of this - I will be honest that it is very hard to find... I just hope this year will bring more ups than downs... that is my prayer to God... that no matter what happens.. that I can see the positives in my life.