A couple things...

A couple things....
First... I just wanted to say Thank You to everyone that has sent a card... and left comments - you have NO idea how much those cards... those words said... mean to me - I keep all my cards in a box and look at them every week - it really helps me get through.. especially this month... I can see and I know the wonderful support you have all given to me.. and Mike... I so appreciate it... your friendship, support, prayers - everything... I seriously cannot thank you all enough... for caring for us and being there for us... it just means so much! I love you all!

I also decided to change my profile layout to match my favorite time of the year...I know it is a touch early but if you know me - it can never be too early to start decorating for Christmas - I just needed something more cheery and bright to look at.

October 31, 2008

Halloween day for some reason was really difficult for me - it was just a day that I was so teary - I was so looking forward to taking Brev trick-or-treating but I just could not focus on that during the day - I was just heartbroken knowing that November was the very next day... I know that the more time that goes by - the easier it gets to get through the day but my heart is still so broken... I don't know if that will ever change or not... I miss Troy.. I miss being pregnant - I miss feeling him move - I felt him move only 2 days before I knew that he had passed and I am just heartbroken that he didn't get to live.. he never got to look into my eyes. I think that coming into November just really hit me that the month I was due with Troy is now already here.. and how fast it came. I received a card in the mail on Halloween day... it was perfect - I know that God knew I was having a hard day and receiveing that card was awesome... it was from my cousin and his wife - knowing that November was going to be a hard month - they remembered and sent a card saying they were thinking of us. It is amazing how God works... I am still in this spinning cycle with not feeling content - not knowing if I will ever carry a baby again... not knowing if we will be able to adopt or not... not knowing if we will be able to give Brevin a sibling... but knowing that God is still there and helping us through, giving us wonderful family and friends to help us and support us... I could not get through all of this without them. I just hope and pray that God will make it clear to us what we need to do next - I am getting frustrated doing nothing right now because I don't know what to do and each month that goes by seems like another month waisted and I don't want to continue feeling this way.

Spinning...

I am struggling today... I just cried all the way home from dropping Brev off at school - I heard on the radio a song that talked about having one life to live and to make the most of it. I just feel like I am sinking and I cannot get out. It really bothers me that my life is totally consumed by wanting another child so bad - I wish I could get that desire out of my head - it is all I think about lately and the unknown gets me so down - I don't know if I can ever carry a pregnancy again and to go into adoption - that could take years and even if we are chosen - that parent could back out on us and then we are left waiting again... I just don't know what to do and I WISH God would speak to me and tell me what it is we are supposed to do - what path he wants us to take but all I hear is silence... I just feel like my life is spinning in circles and just going no where and it is all because I just want to give Brevin a brother or sister so badly. I just want to feel content and okay with my life - the way it is right now - I want to stop hoping for another child... it is getting so emotionally draining. I just pray that God will give me some peace with what I have right now - I have so much - a wonderful husband... a wonderful son... a wonderful house to live in and wonderful friends and family... I just want to be content and at peace and happy where I am. I have only one earthly life and I don't want to continue living it the way I am... I just feel frustrated and sad today.

November might not be so bad...

So I have been dreading November coming - although I love Fall like I have mention many times before but just the fact of it being what would have been my due date... but... it might not be so bad after all. In November... I was invited to go to the Ohio Food Show where Paula Deen, Bobby Dean, Guy Fieri (spelling?) and Curtis Stone will be!! I am SO excited about that - I am such a geek when it comes to the Food Network and there is someone else out there like me that loves this kind of stuff so I am going with another Mom from Brev's school and I really cannot wait.

Also... I am having another Tastefully Simple party - I had one last year and it really was fun - tasting all the appetizers - I just love food and had a great time last year with everyone that came and hope this year will be fun also!

Then Mike and I and Brevin are going to Pensacola - we are really excited for this trip - I just hope the drive down goes well for Brevin. He is so excited to see the ocean and to hopefully collect shells... he is counting down the days - he kept asking me when we are leaving so I printed a Backyardagains calendar off of the internet and hung it on our fridge and now every morning.. he crosses off another day - it will be a nice, relaxing family vacation and we are just SO thankful that we can go.

So... I am just so grateful that God put these plans in my life (our lives) for November - I now have things to look foward to and keep me busy. God is SO good!!

October 15, 2008 - Rememberance Day

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.... for everyone that has lost a baby through miscarriage... stillbirth... premature and/or full term loss... SIDS... any infant loss. Please remember not only me but all of those that have had to endure such tragic losses.

Tonight at 7pm - everyone is invited to light a candle - to have a "wave of light" to burn for one hour - across the world to remember parents... pregnancies and infants. I will be lighting one for Troy tonight and for my miscarriage back in 2006.... I will also be lighting candles for those that I know have been through a loss.

The website for more information is:
http://www.october15th.com

It is a wonderful website - please check it out and please light a candle!

October 12, 2008

I absolutely LOVE fall - it is my favorite time of the year. Mike and I went to dinner tonight with 2 other couples... and on our drive out - just a little ways from our house I was looking out and saw the beautiful trees that are changing colors - some are so bright right now - it just brought tears to my eyes because it is all so bitter-sweet... I love fall but now fall to me has a very emotional side to it - I can't help but love seeing the beauty and being sad at the very same moment. Life goes on doesn't it... I just cannot believe we are in this season already and Thanksgiving.. Winter... Christmas is just a blink of an eye away - I still hate how time flies and it really does fly!!

Anyway...I am finally feeling better physially from my surgery - I no longer walk like an old lady - I am still quite sore... mornings and nights are the hardest but it is getting better each day - the motrin really helps along with an extremely helpful and wonderful husband!! I am very anxious to get into the gym - all the awesome meals that were brought it - well... we ate it all and are still eating it - I think I have gained 10 pounds just in the last week! I am so thankful for what everyone has done - even the simple "how are you doing today"... or... "How are you feeling"... it is amazing how much just those words mean to me - just knowing I am being thought of.. is that selfish?

I wanted to put in a devotional that I came across from The Purpose Driven Life - I receive daily devotionals over e-mail and this one just really caught my attention.


We Need Each Other: To Wait and Weep With

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 1 Peter 3:8 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***

As a pastor, I see situations daily that nobody should ever have to go through alone. Nobody should ever have to wait in the hospital while a loved one is in life-or-death surgery. No woman should ever have to wait alone for the lab report on a problem pregnancy. Nobody should ever have to wait for news from a battlefield alone. Nobody should ever have to stand at the edge of an open grave alone. Nobody should ever have to spend the first night alone when their spouse has just walked out.

Life’s tough times and tragedies are inevitable – each of us will face them. But we don’t need to go through them alone. We need God’s safety net to help hold us up through these difficult times.

What is God’s safety net? It is a group of other believers – a handful of people who are really committed to you. We call this kind of group a community. Here’s God’s plan for community: “If one part suffers, every part suffers with it” (1 Corinthians 12:26 NIV). Community is God’s answer to despair.

Romans 12:15 expresses a similar idea: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (NIV).

The first part of that verse is easy. When something good happens to someone, it’s often easy to join in on the party.

But when someone is having a tough time, it can seem more difficult. But, really, it’s simple. When you’re going through a crisis, you don’t want advice; you just want somebody to be there – to sit with you, hold your hand, put an arm around your shoulder, or cry with you.

As Paul tells us, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11 NIV). Encouraging someone else doesn’t always mean giving a pep talk or words of wisdom. Sometimes the best kind of encouragement is just sitting in silence – waiting and weeping with a friend.

Do you have a safety net – a group of fellow Christians you know you can count on in life’s toughest times? If not, go out today and begin building those friendships. The hard times in life are inevitable, and only a fool would go into them unprepared.

After reading this... I just pray to God that I will become more like this to others because this message is SO true! I don't want anyone to ever feel alone in times like these mentioned... I know this for myself... it has always been my biggest fear.. honestly.. I want to be more like Christ in this way especially - to help those that need help to get through a tough and emotional time - those time don't end a few weeks out or even a few months out... it never totally disappears no matter how much time has gone by - to feel continued support means the world!!

Doing well...

I made it though surgery - I knew I would but I was SO nervous! I got to the hospital at 11:30am for prep - was wheeled in the OR at 12:50pm and was out of the hospital at 3:00pm - it was fast! My first stop after surgery was the coffee shop for a skinny vanilla latte - I was craving that! I am on vicodin and doing pretty good - I am SO sore though - I had no idea how sore this procedure would be - walking is very hard right now as I cannot straighten up - taking a shower last night was hilarious I must say - Mike is taking such good care of me - Brev is too - he keeps asking me how I am doing and always giving me kisses and hugs - when I get up to walk, he just stares at me... I think expecting me to fall or something.. plus I look silly walking. I am so blessed with family and friends - thank you for all your prayers... cards and all the yummy meals.. and the edible fruit arrangement from my parents - ALL so very appreciated since I cannot get into the kitchen to cook at all! Thank you to Kris for sitting with Mike in the waiting room at the hospital and keeping him company and visiting me when I woke up - it was great!! To Josie for watching Brev the day of the surgery - picking him up from school and hanging out with him the rest of the afternoon... he had a blast!! Trina and Julie.. thanks for taking Brev yesterday - that was huge... we really appreciate it!! I will be back on a bit later - it still hurts a bit to sit - laying down is what feels the best right now but just wanted to thank everyone who might be reading this!!
~ Kim

Getting a bit nervous

Yep... I admit I am getting nervous for my surgery on Friday - I know it is very routine but just the thought of being put under scares me... I talked with the nurse today and she said surgery should take about 1 hour and 40 minutes - that seems like a long time... she said it might go quicker than that - maybe that is the time slot they have saved for me.. whatever the case - I am getting a little scared about the whole thing. I have to go to my doctor on Thursday because I seem to have a bit of a cold and they want to make sure my lungs are clear because they don't want to put you under if your congested - I am ready to have this over with - I know recovery might not be much fun for the first few days but I am kind of happy that I have a good week or more off work - hopefully I can just relax and let Mike take care of me!!

Surgery

Next week Friday, October 3, I will be having hernia surgery.. can you believe it?? What more can we add to 2008?? I just found out today at my Dr's appointment... I am fine with it now but when I first learned that I might have a hernia a couple days ago at my OB appointment - I about lost it, poor Mike came home from work with me crying - I was just thinking when will this end? I am just ready to have a good year and hope 2009 will bring that. On a good note - I am thankful that this is only a hernia - I was scared as to what was going on - I found this lump a few months back but thought nothing of it - it would go away and then come back but the past week is has gotten worse - it doesn't hurt - just really annoying and obvious, I was scared of what it could be... so I am glad it is something that is correctable... it just sets us back a little bit but that is okay. Pensacola is sounding really good right now - I wish we could leave today for vacation!! My doctor told me that I would have to take about 10-14 days off from work.. does that seem right? I can't imagine it would take me that long to recover... I just hope this goes okay - I am a little nervous!

A good weekend...

This weekend was busy but very fun... we traveled to Holland... On Saturday...Mike and I, along with is family moved his parents from their house into a beautiful apartment that was so made for them - we are so happy for them and are excited to visit them again in their new place! We then had my cousins wedding to attend that evening - it was such a beautiful wedding - the weather was perfect and the setting was beautiful - an outdoor wedding in a beautiful park. My cousin, who got married that day, showed everyone at his wedding how much he truely loves his new bride - it was so amazing to watch him standing up front with the minister noticing everyone sitting in the crowd but soon as he saw his bride - he attention and focus was immediately on her and that very moment - it was awesome - God totally made Himself known on that day!!

It was so much fun catching up with family at the reception - having a few drinks and dancing - it was fun! It really was nice having a weekend where my mind was focused on happiness instead of sadness - to just let loose was really nice!! Eventhough it was a busy weekend - it was relaxing also... mentally!!

On another happy note - we are officially going to Florida for Thanksgiving!! Mike and I really wanted to get away for that week.. being what was my due date... Thanks to our friend and pastors wife... we now have a beautiful condo to stay at in Pensacola - on the ocean with beautiful beaches... we are SO excited and so blessed that this came our way... to be able to have a vacation that won't cost us an arm and a leg - we are SO grateful.. thank you to Trina and her parents for doing this for us!!

Well.. that is it for now - it was just really refreshing to have a good weekend and I am very thankful for that!!

Here are a few pics from the wedding that I thought I would share...

Me with My Dad


Mike and I


Me with Marianne

A God Moment

I was putting Brevin to bed a couple nights ago and everynight he says his bedtime prayer: "Jesus, thank you for today, thank you for my work and play, Bless me as I sleep tonight.. keep me always in your sight". After he said his prayer... he was running his fingers through my hair and asked me if I said a bedtime prayer.. I answered without thinking "Yes I do"... he then looked at me said "no you don't mom". Wow.. did that hit me.. my prayer life has taken a big hit... I guess you could say - I go nights without saying a prayer... I go days without saying a prayer.. talking to God or anything like that. I remember after I had Troy, the following morning.. a nurse gave me a basket full of stuff - one thing that was in that basket was a journal. I tried writing in it but I am horrible at writing - I always have more to write than my hand allows me to write.. my hand gets sore and I lose my thoughts because I can't write fast enough - I would rather type which is why I started this blog. I know of a few people that have a prayer journal and I have always wanted to start that. After I put my son to bed that night - I immediately thought about this journal from the hospital - I am going to make that my prayer journal - just write down names of those that need prayers and prayers of my own - short notes. I know God gave me this idea - he knows I am struggling with my relationship with Him since I had to say goodbye to my little boy and maybe this is a way to help restore that relationship with Him... I know I need Him in my life - more now than ever...I am going to give this prayer journal a try.

I wanted to put down the lyrics of a song by Casting Crowns - the words have SO much meaning to me but I honestly cannot listen to the song - it just makes me sob to no end but I do know that I need to praise God in this storm - I am thankful for all the friends and family that God has put into my life - I could not get through this without them and for that.. I praise God!

Praise You in This Storm
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Prayer request...

I can't believe September is already here - Brevin starts school tomorrow - I start aiding once a week in his school (for a different class) - I got all my fall decorations out and decorated my house - Fall is my favorite time of year - my favorite season yet all I can think about at the moment is that I should have been 7 months pregnant - there are days where I am doing fine but then days like today where all I can think of is why.. why did this happen.. why did Troy have to die.. why did God let this happen - not having answers makes me sad and makes me angry sometimes - I may never know why but all I can do is take comfort knowing that Troy is with God - he is happy and loved in Heaven and I know I will see him again one day - I just pray that God will give me more peace in this... I pray that I will not lose sight of God because honestly I feel like I am fading away somewhat and it is hard finding my way back so those who might be reading this - if you could pray that my relationship with God grows stronger - that I get back on track again and that God shows me how to do that.. also that I would focus on what I have... my wonderful husband and son, Brevin... and not focus on what I don't have and what I want so badly... I would SO appreciate it!! I know God is there for me and waiting for me to come to him but I think I am so wrapped up in this grief that I cannot get my way through... tomorrow will be a better day.. I know this - God will see me through!!

To my precious Troy
There is honestly not a single day that goes by where I don't think of you... you are on my mind constantly and I miss you so much! I wish you were here with us but I know you are in God's loving arms and looking down on us. I hope you know how much you are loved and missed. Sending a kiss and a hug to you!
Love,
Mommy

Just thinking back....

I don't know what made me think of this but I just wanted to post some pictures of the beautiful flowers that were sent to me from family and friends.....back in June. The last photo was what the hospital sent me home with - it was a basket full of wonderful stuff - made by volunteers that have lost babies also. There was a couple books in there on grief and losing a baby.... a journal to write in... a couple precious keepsake bookmarks... an ornament.... an angel pen.... a candle.... chocolates... tea... a beautiful coffee mug... kleenex... and some hand and more.

I honestly have to say that I was never a card person but I am now - I look at the cards that I received often - just knowing I had all that support and all those that were thinking of me... means a lot to me and I will cherish those cards always - I am still receiving cards in the mail - not as much anymore which I expect but it is so comforting to still receive those cards.... just makes me know that I am cared for and still thought of... that has been my worse fear... feeling that "alone" feeling.. like everyone has forgotten and moved on... I am getting there and hanging in there... doing better a little each day but I do still have my down days but I have the most wonderful husband in the world that helps me through and the best 4 year old - he seems to know when I am down - and he totally lifts me up! Thank you Lord for giving me my wonderful husband and son, family and friends - you have blessed me with so much!

The Weekend...

This past weekend went pretty well - I was in Holland from Wednesday till Saturday. Wednesday night I went out for coffee with my sister-in-law and we just talked - it was the best - wish I could do that more often - before coffee we stopped at Restlawn to see Troy's grave - I hate it that we don't have a headstone for him yet but hopefully we will soon - it really was nice to stop there!

On Saturday we went to my Aunt and Uncle's house in Middleville MI - they live on a lake and we celebrated my Grandparents 60th wedding anniversary - all my family was coming in for this - my mom is one of 6 kids in her family and some live out of state. I was very excited and also dreading it at the same time. I can't quite put my finger on it but for some reason, seeing family for the first time since losing Troy just makes me nervous or uneasy - maybe it is because I don't know what they are going to say to me or not going to say.... I don't know - sometimes it is just worse when nobody says anything and acts like nothing happened. Mike and I got lots of hugs and lots of "we have been thinking of you guys" - it really was nice - my Aunt Bonnie talked to me for quite a while and that was really nice also - it really did go well and we had lots of fun!! some pictures from the weekend...

Uncle Dave and Aunt Kathy's house on Duncan Lake

The Cuneo Clan

The "Doggie Cousins", Sisco, Marco (the tiny one), Polo, Blue and Molly

Here they are again... but Ralph decided to join in - he is the golden retriever.

Marianne with Trinity, Me with Brevin on the boat -

my mom and counsin Zoe are in the background

The boys playing horseshoes

Kids Playing in the lake

Now we are off to another new week - I am leaving Wednesday with Mike again for Holland and because he has to work out of the Holland location on Thursday morning so soon as he is done - then we are heading up to Ludington to my mom and dad's cottage for the weekend - I am looking forward to that.

I can't believe that fall is almost here - fall is my favorite time of the year and I really hope it stays that way - it is going to be so hard when November rolls around - Mike and I had a long talk last night and we both are not looking forward to Thanksgiving - it just isn't going to be like it has been in the past. It is going to be hard for me to be all happy knowing that we should be having or holding our son that was due then. So Mike and I decided that we are going to get away for the holiday - we are not totally sure where but we have brought up going to Golf Shores, AL or somewhere warm - where we can drive since we cannot afford to fly right now. So.. that is what our plan is of now - it isn't going to make the pain go away.. I realize that but I think it will be nice to get away as a family and just be to ourselves.

How good days turn bad in an instant

It really isn't how my good day turns bad - it isn't bad... there are just "things" that suddenly make me feel sad and mad - things that make me think that I should still be pregnant with Troy.

Today... I went to a short meeting at my sons school today- it was for being an aid to the teacher in the classroom once a week - you get a discount on tuition if you do this which is worth it because it is expensive sending Brev to a private Christian preschool.... anyway.. this meeting was just an introduction to aiding and what it all involves and what is expected from you etc.... when I got there - I sat at a big round table with about 8 moms that were all interested in aiding - very shortly into the meeting we went around the table and introduced ourselves... I was the only one there that had just one child. One lady had just - and I mean just (like 3 weeks ago) had her 4th baby... the whole meeting ended up being about infancy - how her baby was just sleeping through the night - how hard it is to juggle 4 kids etc... etc... Then one of the teachers spoke up on how her daughter is due in November with her 3rd and how she was doing and not feeling well etc... etc... I had to do everything possible in me to not lose it, thats when I was due - my eyes were tearing up and I almost walked out - I didn't want to start crying infront of everyone but it was so hard keeping it all inside - nobody noticed that I was about in tears and I am so glad about that but I was just not expecting the conversation to be like this at an aids meeting - it threw me off guard for sure. I hate the fact that I have NO idea when I am going to be faced with these kind of things - it was just really hard and now my day just seems down.

Just thinking...

Today is a bit of a cleaning day for me - cleaning out the closet in our computer room - what a job!! As I am cleaning - Brevin, my 4 year old, out of no where says "Mommy, I really want a baby brother like my friend Bryant has"... My eyes just filled with tears - this is the first time that Brevin has ever mentioned wanting a sibling. By the time I was ready to give him an answer - he was off playing - he wasn't waiting for an answer - he was just telling me what he was thinking at that moment.

Since he made that comment - I have been thinking. At my last appointment with my fertility specialist in Ann Arbor - we were talking about my situation - what had happened with my recent pregnancy - we are still not sure exactly what happened but I am having tests run on me to see if it might have been possible ICP (Cholestasis of Pregnancy). If I am able to get pregnant again and I miscarry again - with no known cause - then I am out of options as far as me getting pregnant again - IVF is not an option - I can get pregnant with fertility help but I just cannot keep a pregnancy. My infertility doctor told me that then my only options would be a gestational carrier (surrogate mother) or adoption - both so expensive - I have read that surrogate moms get paid a lot on top of all the medical bills that obviously we would pay - I doubt our insurance would pay medical bills of someone else carrying our baby. We still would have to check into adoption but we are clueless as to where to begin - what is a legit agency - who to trust... etc... I hate the unknown and not knowing if we will ever have a second child in our home... it is heartbreaking - I just pray that God will shed some light and guide us as to where HE wants us to go - what road to take.

That is it for today!!! I am trying to deal with a horrible sinus infection at the moment - Yuck!!

Frustrating....

So... all the medical bill are starting to pour in - honestly not sure how we are going to pay for all of this..... still feeling the physical effects of birth which should not bother me but there is no baby for me to hold and I am very bothered by my body - prolonging the healing process... for some reason.

Appointments and everything else....

I went into the ER yesterday - I was feeling dizzy - chest tight, just not feeing right and such heavy bleeding - I had called my doctors office just to let them know my symptoms thinking that maybe they would just fit me in real quick - I already had an appointment set up for today but thought maybe I could just get in yesterday - well... got a call back from the nurse and she told me that my doctor wanted me to go over to ER to get blood work done and a pelvic exam just to make sure nothing is going on that shouldn't. I called Mike who was in Holland and he came home - I didn't want to go to ER myself because you usually get stuck there for more time than needed - anyway - I took Brev again over to Hillary's house (I have NO idea what I would do without her)... Mike came home around 1:30 and off to the ER we went - I checked in and waited... got called back to a room and waited (did I mention that I hate ER?) - finally I was seen - had my pelvic done - everything was fine... they started an IV and drew lots of blood - the nurse looked at my hands and at my eyes and said I looked very anemic - I waited on this bed in this room with others for a long time - the results came back... all was normal - felt like the day was so waisted. I had my OB appointment today - it went okay - my doctor is so amazing - we just talked and I just cried - there are days where I do so well and then days like today where I don't know how I am going to make it through - I sometimes wonder if I should find a support group - I go online a lot to babycenter.com and read posts from others that have been through similar experiences - it is just sad and depressing.

I was at church this past Sunday and this lady walked in with her husband - very pregnant and everyone ran up to her to talk to her - she is a regular at our church and hasn't been there in a while - she is very nice, I have her 2 boys in Sunday School - when she walked in... I had to go into the ladies room because I could not stop crying - all I kept thinking was why does her baby get to live and mine had to die.... I hate feeling this way.

My sweet little boy really does help me through.. whenever I am sad - he just knows - he instantly asks me why I miss my baby - he will still touch my stomach and ask if another baby is in there yet. He gives me hugs and just makes the day a little better.
Anyway.. that is my story for today - just another hard day for me - lots of tears and emotions - I just wish my little boy would have made it into this world - I wish I could have rocked him and fed him and dressed him. I just don't understand why I went through 2 1/2 years of infertility only to finally get pregnant again and then lose my baby.... Just another hard day that I will get through!

Memorial Service

We had a short memorial service on Saturday, July 19 - we wanted to keep it with immediate family only. Mike really wanted his best friend Tom Buis there so he came with his wife Bonnie, Mark Neitzel, our really good friend, was there handling everything - he works for Dykstra Funeral Home - he brought his wife Debbie. Mom and Dad, Jeff and Marianne, Grandma and Grandpa, Mom and Dad W, Jan and Howard, Pat and Marlan, Judy and Roger were there also. It was a very rainy day but when it started raining... I instantly felt like it was so appropriate - like Heaven knew it was a sad day for us here on earth so they were crying from up above and those were the tears falling down on us. That maybe sounds corny but that is honestly what I thought of on that day. Kris and Trina, our pastor and his wife (and very good friends of ours), were there also - Kris spoke very shortly and my mom did also - I had no idea she was going to speak - it was a surprise to us... it was very sweet of her to do that. We all stood in the rain with umbrella's over the grave site - it was a very short service but perfect. When the service was done - everyone left. Mike took Troy's vault and put it in the ground and kissed his fingers and layed his finger on the vault - he then layed a rose on the vault and I took a rose out of the plant that was from my mom and dad and Mike's mom and dad and layed that on the vault also.... it was so much more emotioal than I thought. My Mom had everyone over for brunch afterwards.
I felt like the day went really well considering - I was so nervous what others were going think... were we going to far.. blowing this all out of porortion... I don't know... I really don't think that way anymore - I really believe Mike and I had to do that memorial service for ourselves - to bring us some peace. After holding Troy and being able to spend time with him - eventhough he was already gone - we just kept looking at him - he was a real baby - a real life - a child of God - how could we not do anything? I am so thankful for everyone that showed up... we really needed to have that day!