For some reason.. today is just a hard day - maybe because I leave for vacation tomorrow and I already had layed out some maternity clothes to take with - like a bathing suit and shorts and I had to put them back in the box this morning and take the box full of maternity clothes to the basement - I also took the bin full of maternity clothes back to my friend Hillary - she had loan me a bunch of clothes - that was so hard to bring back.
I am just sad - I ran a bunch of errands today and all I saw was pregnant women everywhere - I know it is only because I notice it more now. I just keep wondering why this happened - am I really meant to not have anymore kids? Just thinking that kills me because I want more so bad - I really thought this pregnancy was going to work - I made it past 12 weeks - I didn't with the last pregnancy before this one - I just thought this baby was going to make it. I keep praying to God that if I am not meant to be pregnant again to please take the desire of wanting to be pregnant away from me. It just hurts to see people walking around with 2-3 kids or more - I don't know.. I feel like I am being selfish for wanting more - I have the best little boy in the world right now - Mike and I realize now how much of a miracle he is - the fact that we even have him is such a God gift.. such a blessing. I just want to give him a sibling - someone he will have when Mike and I are gone - more of a family than just himself. I do feel so guilty for wanting this... I don't know... all I know is that it is out of my hands - it is all in God's hands - but I do hope that God has another child planned in our future. Waiting is so hard and wanting is so hard but I have to be patient - I mean.. that is all I can do right now - I have no choice.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
June 23, 2008 - Back to work
Last night was my first night back to work (Monday, June 23) - I work at a local gym 2 nights a week from 5 - 10:30pm and then on Sundays from 1pm till 7:30pm. I was dreading going back to work - there are some customers that knew I was pregnant but don't realize that I am no longer pregnant and what I had gone through. When I got to work, my boss came up to the front counter and just looked at me and shook his head - I just teared up and could barely talk - I could tell he didn't know what to say. During that evening - a lot of members came up to me and asked me how my vacation was - that must have been what the other staff members were telling the customers - it was weird - I just answered that it really wasn't a vacation - I was just at home and just left it at that - they didn't ask anymore than that which I was glad. The night went pretty good - it kept me busy - when I was done - I got in my car and just cried all the way home - I don't know why but I guess I just had to get it out. I am glad I got my first night of work out of the way but it is really hard having to move on - I can't believe it has been almost 2 weeks since this all happened - I hate it that it is going by so fast for some reason. Maybe because the cards have stopped coming in the mail... not really receiving e-mails and phone calls anymore, I am okay with that, I mean.. it is bound to happen at some point - life does go on but I am just not ready to move on right now and I guess it is hard to see others move on - Maybe I am starting to feel very alone in all of this - I have Mike which I am so grateful for... SO grateful for him.... it just feels like everyone else has moved on and I am just not ready too... I know I will at some point. It's just hard.... very hard!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
June 14, 2008 - leaving the hospital
After giving birth to Troy and spending time with him, I tried to settle in to go to sleep - the nurse gave me another dose of this Nubain drug to help me sleep - it was about 3:00am - soon as I was given the dose and she left the room - I layed there listening to a women screaming in the room next to me in full blown labor - it really bothered me.. knowing she was giving birth to probably a healthy baby - listening to her was so hard. I finally fell asleep at some point and woke up around 6:30am. I thought I was going to be fine being in the hospital but soon as I woke up...I was so anxious to get out of there - I was hearing babies crying in the rooms next to me - it was hard - knowing that all these women were walking out with their babies and all I had to walk out with was a box, with my sons footprints and handprints and material on grief and loss - it was a lot harder than I thought it would be - it took a long time to finally leave - the doctor had to come in to discharge me and it took about 2 hours.... Mike ended up taking all my stuff out to the car because I just didn't want to be the one walking out with the box - by the time he got back - the doctor already came in and I was all ready to leave. Brevin was with my parents that weekend - when we got home - I took a nap on the couch and Mike went out on the deck and layed in the sun and took a nap - after a while - we decided that we didn't want to just sit at home so we got in the car and just drove - we ended up in Greek Town and had dinner at Fishbones - it was nice to get out but we were both sitting at the table in the restaurant just still in shock with what we had just been through. By the time we got home - we were both just tired and ended up going to bed.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Meeting our little boy, June 13, 2008
It was Thursday, June 12 and I was getting ready for work - it was about 3:30pm. I decided to listen to my baby's heartbeat one more time before going to work with the baby beat doppler monitor that I had rented. I tried for over an hour to find it and I have no luck. I called Mike in tears and then I called the doctors office... the nurse said to just keep trying and try to take it easy tonight. I ended up calling Teresa from the gym to tell her what was going on and that I would not be in tonight - I was SO scared and just cried. I never had a problem finding the heartbeat - I had just heart it a couple days before and have been listening to the heartbeat since 12 weeks. That night I just kept trying and trying to find it - still nothing. Mike even took Brev out of the house because I was just a wreck.
The next morning, Friday, June 13, I called the doctors office immediately when they opened at 8:30 am and they got me an appointment at 10am with Dr. S. Mike came home around 9:15am and we took Brevin over to Hillary's so she could watch him. We headed to the doctors office and we were brought into the room. The nurse came in and said congratulations on the pregnancy and gave us a form to fill out to make our appointment for our formal ultrasound. She walked out and said the Dr. would be in soon - I remember looking at Mike and thinking that we would not be going to a formal ultrasound - I pretty much threw the paper at Mike....I just knew in my heart that something was wrong.
The doctor came in and I told him what was going on and he had me lay down and tried looking for the heartbeat with his doppler monitor... he tried and tried but nothing... he then said he woudl be right back with the ultrasound machine. I just knew in my heart that the baby had died. He came in and hooked up the machine and did the ultrasound. He kept looking into the screen and said nothing... I looked up at Mike and I saw Mike cringe his face and shook his head a bit - I was so sad. The doctor then looked at me and just said I am so sorry - there is no heartbeat. I looked at the screen at a perfect baby - I could not believe how big the baby was on the screen but it was obvious there was no heartbeat. I wasn't shocked at all but just so sad. I sat up and then asked the doctor if I had to go to get a D&C and his answer shocked me. He said that being this far along we cannot do a D&C - I had to be induced labor and deliver my baby. I didn't know what to say. When he left the room I just looked at Mike and started crying so hard - I could not believe I had to go through labor and deliver my baby who already died. I did not know how I was going to make it through that.
We left the doctors office and just sat in the car in the parking lot for the longest time - we were both in shock and had no idea what to do. The doctor said we could go to the hospital at any time. I ended up calling Hillary to tell her what was going on. We both tried calling my mom but she was at work and we could not get a hold of her... we called Marianne.. my sister-in-law and told her and asked her to get a hold of my mom and have her call Mike's cell phone. Once she called and we both talked to her we headed home. My mom said that her and my Dad were leaving at 1pm to come and get Brevin to take him back to their house for the weekend. Mike and I went home to pack a suitcase for Brevin - to make sure our neighbors Rick and Laurie would watch Blue - our dog for us. Mike and I just sat in the silent house and we didn't know what to say. We each made a few phone calls... I called Teresa at work to tell her that I was not going to be on Sunday and to basically tell Mike, my boss, to leave me off the schedule for a while. I called Hillary to tell her that my Mom and Dad were going to pick up Brevin at her house around 3-4pm and that Mike and I were going to come and drop off Brevin's suitcase at her house and to say bye to Brevin.
I think after about an hour and a half - Mike and I decided to get going. Mike grabbed me and hugged me and prayed out loud for us. We just stood there in the kitchen and could not immagine what we were about to go through that day.
We left the house and went to Hillary's to drop off Brev's suitcase and carseat. It was so hard seeing Hillary - she was so upset and we tried so hard to hold it together around the kids. Mike and I gave Brevin a big hug and kiss and told him that Grandma and Grandpa B were going to pick him up in a couple hours - he was excited but when it was time for us to go - he just clinged to me and cried - wanting me to stay - that was so hard! We ended up giving him his binky and blanky and he went to sit on Hillary's couch and was okay with us leaving... I have NO idea what I would do without my friend Hillary - she has helped us SO much with all my appointments with the infertility doctor.. taking care of Brevin... I seriously don't know what I would do without her.
I don't even remember what time exactly that we got to the hospital - it was around 1:30pm or so - we went to check in and the lady asked me what I was checking in for - I about lost it - she had no idea but I had to say to deliver - she didn't ask anything more and showed us where to go. When we got to the labor and delivery floor, the nurse at the counter didn't even ask who we were - she just took us immediately to a corner birthing room - she knew who we were and what we were there for. The nurse gave me a gown to change into and she saw that I was crying and just gave me a huge hug and said she was so sorry I had to go through this. I sat on the little couch waiting for the doctor - I just couldn't lay on that bed yet. Dr. B came in - he is the doctor that I usually see - I absolutely love him - he is the best and I was so happy that he was going to be there with me through this. He said how sorry he was and how horrible this was - he said he was shocked when he heard from Dr. Sibson that I was going to be coming in. Dr. B told me how I was going to be induced and that it would probably take about 6 hours before anything happened and if nothing happened yet - he would have to give me another dose of these pills to induce me more.
At 2pm - he inserted the pills and I was induced. I thought the waiting was going to be horrible but it was okay. My Mom and Dad came to see me before they went to Hillary's to get Brevin. After they left, our pastor Kris and his wife Trina came in and sat with us while we waited - that was so wonderful that they were there. Our neighbors Rick and Laurie stopped in also. Kris and Trina left around 7:00pm I think, saying a prayer for us before leaving..... I still was not progressing at all. Dr. B came in shortly after 8pm and did another dose of the pills to induce the labor and we waited and waited. Finally around 10:45-11pm I was in full blown labor - the contractions were one on top of the other, it was painful and my whole body was shaking. The nurse gave me another dose of Nubain, a drug to relax me, but it would not work. Dr. B came in and checked me and said I was ready to go - I really had the urge to push at that moment... I think I only pushed 3-4 times and our little baby was born. I was so scared to look at him - I didnt know what to expect but then Mike looked at me and said how beautiful he was and that I really needed to look. The nurse said that he was a boy (we didnt' know till that point if the baby was a boy or girl). I could not believe how wonderful the nurses were to him - they treated him like they would any other baby that was alive - they were calling him sweetie and sweetheart and just were so tender with him. Dr. B said how perfect he was - he could not find anything that was wrong - no cord accident, no obvious signs of anything being wrong. They wrapped the baby up in a blanket and the nurse sat down by us and let Mike and I hold him and spend time with him - she left the room for awhile. He really was perfect - we touched his fingers and feet which were so perfectly formed - we touched his lips and we opened up his mouth and saw his little tounge - he was such a beautiful baby but just so silent, so small. Mike and I had already picked out a boys name - a girls name we were not settled on yet. We named him Troy Jeffrey - Jeffrey is after my wonderful brother. We had that name picked out so it seemed so right to keep that name for him and not name him anything else - that name belonged to him. We spent as much time with him as we could. The nurse took pictures of him - of his little hands and feet and also gave us his handprints and footprints. As horrible as the whole experience was - it was also amazing because we got to see Troy and hold him and touch him, I am so glad I went through labor and was able to feel everything - I didn't have that with Brevin because I had an epidural... it just made the experience all the more real - that Troy was a real baby - I went through the whole process but he was just born still and silent - though it was so sad.... it was an amazing experience and I will be forever grateful to God that He allowed us to have that experiece and time with our baby boy.
The next morning, Friday, June 13, I called the doctors office immediately when they opened at 8:30 am and they got me an appointment at 10am with Dr. S. Mike came home around 9:15am and we took Brevin over to Hillary's so she could watch him. We headed to the doctors office and we were brought into the room. The nurse came in and said congratulations on the pregnancy and gave us a form to fill out to make our appointment for our formal ultrasound. She walked out and said the Dr. would be in soon - I remember looking at Mike and thinking that we would not be going to a formal ultrasound - I pretty much threw the paper at Mike....I just knew in my heart that something was wrong.
The doctor came in and I told him what was going on and he had me lay down and tried looking for the heartbeat with his doppler monitor... he tried and tried but nothing... he then said he woudl be right back with the ultrasound machine. I just knew in my heart that the baby had died. He came in and hooked up the machine and did the ultrasound. He kept looking into the screen and said nothing... I looked up at Mike and I saw Mike cringe his face and shook his head a bit - I was so sad. The doctor then looked at me and just said I am so sorry - there is no heartbeat. I looked at the screen at a perfect baby - I could not believe how big the baby was on the screen but it was obvious there was no heartbeat. I wasn't shocked at all but just so sad. I sat up and then asked the doctor if I had to go to get a D&C and his answer shocked me. He said that being this far along we cannot do a D&C - I had to be induced labor and deliver my baby. I didn't know what to say. When he left the room I just looked at Mike and started crying so hard - I could not believe I had to go through labor and deliver my baby who already died. I did not know how I was going to make it through that.
We left the doctors office and just sat in the car in the parking lot for the longest time - we were both in shock and had no idea what to do. The doctor said we could go to the hospital at any time. I ended up calling Hillary to tell her what was going on. We both tried calling my mom but she was at work and we could not get a hold of her... we called Marianne.. my sister-in-law and told her and asked her to get a hold of my mom and have her call Mike's cell phone. Once she called and we both talked to her we headed home. My mom said that her and my Dad were leaving at 1pm to come and get Brevin to take him back to their house for the weekend. Mike and I went home to pack a suitcase for Brevin - to make sure our neighbors Rick and Laurie would watch Blue - our dog for us. Mike and I just sat in the silent house and we didn't know what to say. We each made a few phone calls... I called Teresa at work to tell her that I was not going to be on Sunday and to basically tell Mike, my boss, to leave me off the schedule for a while. I called Hillary to tell her that my Mom and Dad were going to pick up Brevin at her house around 3-4pm and that Mike and I were going to come and drop off Brevin's suitcase at her house and to say bye to Brevin.
I think after about an hour and a half - Mike and I decided to get going. Mike grabbed me and hugged me and prayed out loud for us. We just stood there in the kitchen and could not immagine what we were about to go through that day.
We left the house and went to Hillary's to drop off Brev's suitcase and carseat. It was so hard seeing Hillary - she was so upset and we tried so hard to hold it together around the kids. Mike and I gave Brevin a big hug and kiss and told him that Grandma and Grandpa B were going to pick him up in a couple hours - he was excited but when it was time for us to go - he just clinged to me and cried - wanting me to stay - that was so hard! We ended up giving him his binky and blanky and he went to sit on Hillary's couch and was okay with us leaving... I have NO idea what I would do without my friend Hillary - she has helped us SO much with all my appointments with the infertility doctor.. taking care of Brevin... I seriously don't know what I would do without her.
I don't even remember what time exactly that we got to the hospital - it was around 1:30pm or so - we went to check in and the lady asked me what I was checking in for - I about lost it - she had no idea but I had to say to deliver - she didn't ask anything more and showed us where to go. When we got to the labor and delivery floor, the nurse at the counter didn't even ask who we were - she just took us immediately to a corner birthing room - she knew who we were and what we were there for. The nurse gave me a gown to change into and she saw that I was crying and just gave me a huge hug and said she was so sorry I had to go through this. I sat on the little couch waiting for the doctor - I just couldn't lay on that bed yet. Dr. B came in - he is the doctor that I usually see - I absolutely love him - he is the best and I was so happy that he was going to be there with me through this. He said how sorry he was and how horrible this was - he said he was shocked when he heard from Dr. Sibson that I was going to be coming in. Dr. B told me how I was going to be induced and that it would probably take about 6 hours before anything happened and if nothing happened yet - he would have to give me another dose of these pills to induce me more.
At 2pm - he inserted the pills and I was induced. I thought the waiting was going to be horrible but it was okay. My Mom and Dad came to see me before they went to Hillary's to get Brevin. After they left, our pastor Kris and his wife Trina came in and sat with us while we waited - that was so wonderful that they were there. Our neighbors Rick and Laurie stopped in also. Kris and Trina left around 7:00pm I think, saying a prayer for us before leaving..... I still was not progressing at all. Dr. B came in shortly after 8pm and did another dose of the pills to induce the labor and we waited and waited. Finally around 10:45-11pm I was in full blown labor - the contractions were one on top of the other, it was painful and my whole body was shaking. The nurse gave me another dose of Nubain, a drug to relax me, but it would not work. Dr. B came in and checked me and said I was ready to go - I really had the urge to push at that moment... I think I only pushed 3-4 times and our little baby was born. I was so scared to look at him - I didnt know what to expect but then Mike looked at me and said how beautiful he was and that I really needed to look. The nurse said that he was a boy (we didnt' know till that point if the baby was a boy or girl). I could not believe how wonderful the nurses were to him - they treated him like they would any other baby that was alive - they were calling him sweetie and sweetheart and just were so tender with him. Dr. B said how perfect he was - he could not find anything that was wrong - no cord accident, no obvious signs of anything being wrong. They wrapped the baby up in a blanket and the nurse sat down by us and let Mike and I hold him and spend time with him - she left the room for awhile. He really was perfect - we touched his fingers and feet which were so perfectly formed - we touched his lips and we opened up his mouth and saw his little tounge - he was such a beautiful baby but just so silent, so small. Mike and I had already picked out a boys name - a girls name we were not settled on yet. We named him Troy Jeffrey - Jeffrey is after my wonderful brother. We had that name picked out so it seemed so right to keep that name for him and not name him anything else - that name belonged to him. We spent as much time with him as we could. The nurse took pictures of him - of his little hands and feet and also gave us his handprints and footprints. As horrible as the whole experience was - it was also amazing because we got to see Troy and hold him and touch him, I am so glad I went through labor and was able to feel everything - I didn't have that with Brevin because I had an epidural... it just made the experience all the more real - that Troy was a real baby - I went through the whole process but he was just born still and silent - though it was so sad.... it was an amazing experience and I will be forever grateful to God that He allowed us to have that experiece and time with our baby boy.
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