I really was hoping to get on yesterday to update my blog - I know it has been a long time - we just got back from a very wonderful trip to Pensacola Beach, Florida.
We drove there and back - on our way back... we made a stop in Holland to pick up our dog from Jodi and Elliot (thanks again guys!) and to visit Mike's Mom and Dad. Mike then suggested we stop and visit Troy's grave site... November 29 was his official due date - eventhough it had moved up twice with my ultrasounds... I hate to admit it but part of me didn't want to go - only because we still have not picked out a grave stone yet... still trying to save up for the cost... and I hate going there only to see a dead patch of grass with nothing there... we went anyways and there laying on top of the dead patch of grass was a bunch of yellow beautiful roses - it was such a wonderful sight to see if that makes any sense... I was dreading of seeing nothing and I saw roses.. it just amazes me how God takes care of me and my fears - I don't know who put the roses on his grave site and it doesn't matter - it just made me feel comforted in that moment... knowing that someone else thinks of Troy and goes to visit his grave - it was just really comforting because it kills me that I cannot go and visit whenever I want so it just really helps knowning that someone else is visiting his site... it really made me feel like I was not alone.
I still cannot believe that his due date has come and gone - I still think of him every single day - I just keep remembering my arms holding him and seeing Mike holding him also. I am still so thankful to God that even through that tragic event.. that he let Mike and I meet our son and to be able to hold him and touch him - memories we will never forget.
I am doing okay with everything... at least I think I am. The one thing I struggle with yet is talking about it with others. I will talk with Mike a little bit about it but I kind of keep to myself - it has nothing to do with anyone.. only myself - I just feel like I just end up mad, sad or frustrated with conversations... so I apologize for being a bit of a hermit and keeping to myself - hopefully that will get better.. I think I am still just really sensative to what people say... so I just avoid it all together... I am really trying to work on this... because talking about it really helps me feel like I am not alone which is what I have been feeling like lately. I just thank you all for your cards.. comments on this blog or e-mails... those help me SOOO much!!
I will post soon on my trip to Florida... it really was a wondeful and beautiful trip and so needed during this time - I will forever be grateful to Trina and her Mom and Dad for letting us stay in the most beautiful place - breathtaking!!! I will post more on that later and get a few pics up also.
