Goldfish

I just thought I needed to post on my blog something more on the happy side - I read through my blog and it almost depresses me how unhappy all my posts seems - I know they are just my thoughts for that particular day and I can't help that they seem down but I just want to put something on here that is on a happy note.
My son makes me smile so much - today he decided he wanted to write a letter to Santa... so he brought me some paper and a marker since he cannot write yet.. except for his name which he is doing so well at.. and he told me what to write. Here is what the letter says.. all in his words... "Dear Santa, I'm going to be at Grandma B's house, I really want you to bring me a Hot Wheels case with Hot Wheels in it and I want a goldfish. I hope you have fun at the North Pole. Love, Brevin" I knew about the Hot Wheels case filled with Hot Wheels but he sprung on me the goldfish - I asked him why he suddenly wanted a goldfish and he told me it was because he still has not gotten one for giving up his binky. He did just give up his binky this year.. back in July and we kept telling him that when he gave it up he could get a goldfish but when it came time to get one... he decided he didn't want one and only wanted toys instead and it was never brought up by him again... till now... so now we need to find a way to get this boy a goldfish... from Santa... just a bit of a laugh for the day. I love how much he surprises Mike and I.. on a daily basis.. I am just glad he didn't ask for another dog or a cat.. eventhough I really do want a cat!

December 10, 2008

I am so happy that Christmas time is here - I just wish it was longer than it is - I could carry on with Christmas for months!! It's a bit hard this year... for the obvious reason. Pulling out the stockings to hang just made me sad - this is the third year of hoping for another stocking to hang up... the third year of hoping to add another member of the family on our Christmas card... the third year of hoping to hang new baby ornaments on our tree... and the third year of hoping to add another child to the grandkids picture that we take for Mom and Dad every year. It is hard not to be sad, mad and frustrated but I need to stay focused on what I do have - I just pray that God will keep me focused on the good and positive... what I have been so blessed with. I pray that I won't lose hope when it is very hard to think that there could be any hope. All I can do right now is just look at Brevin and realize how MUCH of a miracle that little boy is - I am SO blessed to have him and thankful to God for him!!

Pensacola Beach, Florida - Thanksgiving week

Mike, Brev and I had a WONDERFUL time in Pensacola Beach, Florida - it was such a nice family vacation - just to be where there are palm trees... that is pretty much all I need.. along with all the sea shells on the beach.
We drove there leaving Friday, the 21st right after Brev's Pow Wow at his school... we drove to just outside of Nashville and spent the night - got up early the next morning and then drove to Portofino on Pensacola Beach - we got there early and were not able to check in yet so we went to the grocery store to get some stuff to keep in the condo for the week. We were able to check in around 3pm and we stayed on the top floor of the tower - when we walked into our room - it literally took my breath away - I have never seen such a beautiful view - we were surrounded by water - the Santa Rosa Sound on our right and the Gulf of Mexico on our left. The condo itself was absolutely beautiful - I have never stayed in such an amazing place!













We really had a great week - the first few days were "cold" - cold for Florida.. about 55 to 65 degrees but we didn't complain - they had a spa on the resort and an indoor pool that was very warm - we also spent some of the warmer days (70 - 75 degrees) in the outdoor pools - there are 5 towers on the resort and each tower has a pool and hot tub and then outside of the spa there are pools and hot tubs and the indoor pool.







We were an hour behind in time so Brev never got used to the time change - he was up at 5:45-6:00am every morning - I didn't mind though - that meant we had more time to do stuff - I was on the beach almost every morning by 6:30am looking for shells - I could do that for hours and the shells were amazing!!!

We did.. or I should say Mike and Brev did a LOT of swimming in the pools - all Brevin wanted to do was swim. We did make a trip out to the National Naval Aviation Museum - Brev loved that - they had an area where you could sit in the airplanes - it was only half a plane but it was really was cool!!













On most days...we ate breakfast and lunch in our condo but ate out at night and we went to some really cool restaurants... our favorites were Hemmingway's - they had the best Lobster bisque and Key Lime dessert... we actually went back 2 more times just for the dessert to take back to our condo. Peg Leg Pete's Oyster Bar was also SO good - we had their crab meat stuffed crab claws, Mike had to try an Oyster Shooter - still don't know why - it looked awful!!! They are known for their Grouper so we both had Grouper sandwiches - Brev's meal came in a beach bucket - it was a lot of fun. We also ate at Surf Burger on the boardwalk - they have really good sandwiches for lunch there!!





The beach was amazing - I have never seen such a white sand beach in my life - it was beautiful. We had a couple warm days where we could acutally wear our suits and just wade in the ocean. The sunsets were amazing also!

















We had such an amazing time - Thanks to Trina... Trina's parents, Dirk and Sue - you made a week that we have been dreading to face into a wondeful, relaxing week to just focus on our family and all that we have been blessed with. Thanks for being a blessing to us and giving us such a fabulous vacation... we will forever be grateful for that!!

The sand

I just had to share this beautiful picture... I cannot take credit for it... you can check out the blog and the pictures by clicking here. It is a woman and her family from Australia... after losing their son she started writing names of those babies lost in the sand - such a beautiful thing that she is doing and I just wanted to share Troy's name - she also included a heart for the baby we lost to a miscarriage back in 2006. I found this blog through a friend who had her baby girls names written in the sand by this women...and how beautiful those pictures are!! Thanks Krista!!

Remembering Troy...

I really was hoping to get on yesterday to update my blog - I know it has been a long time - we just got back from a very wonderful trip to Pensacola Beach, Florida.
We drove there and back - on our way back... we made a stop in Holland to pick up our dog from Jodi and Elliot (thanks again guys!) and to visit Mike's Mom and Dad. Mike then suggested we stop and visit Troy's grave site... November 29 was his official due date - eventhough it had moved up twice with my ultrasounds... I hate to admit it but part of me didn't want to go - only because we still have not picked out a grave stone yet... still trying to save up for the cost... and I hate going there only to see a dead patch of grass with nothing there... we went anyways and there laying on top of the dead patch of grass was a bunch of yellow beautiful roses - it was such a wonderful sight to see if that makes any sense... I was dreading of seeing nothing and I saw roses.. it just amazes me how God takes care of me and my fears - I don't know who put the roses on his grave site and it doesn't matter - it just made me feel comforted in that moment... knowing that someone else thinks of Troy and goes to visit his grave - it was just really comforting because it kills me that I cannot go and visit whenever I want so it just really helps knowning that someone else is visiting his site... it really made me feel like I was not alone.

I still cannot believe that his due date has come and gone - I still think of him every single day - I just keep remembering my arms holding him and seeing Mike holding him also. I am still so thankful to God that even through that tragic event.. that he let Mike and I meet our son and to be able to hold him and touch him - memories we will never forget.

I am doing okay with everything... at least I think I am. The one thing I struggle with yet is talking about it with others. I will talk with Mike a little bit about it but I kind of keep to myself - it has nothing to do with anyone.. only myself - I just feel like I just end up mad, sad or frustrated with conversations... so I apologize for being a bit of a hermit and keeping to myself - hopefully that will get better.. I think I am still just really sensative to what people say... so I just avoid it all together... I am really trying to work on this... because talking about it really helps me feel like I am not alone which is what I have been feeling like lately. I just thank you all for your cards.. comments on this blog or e-mails... those help me SOOO much!!

I will post soon on my trip to Florida... it really was a wondeful and beautiful trip and so needed during this time - I will forever be grateful to Trina and her Mom and Dad for letting us stay in the most beautiful place - breathtaking!!! I will post more on that later and get a few pics up also.

A couple things...

A couple things....
First... I just wanted to say Thank You to everyone that has sent a card... and left comments - you have NO idea how much those cards... those words said... mean to me - I keep all my cards in a box and look at them every week - it really helps me get through.. especially this month... I can see and I know the wonderful support you have all given to me.. and Mike... I so appreciate it... your friendship, support, prayers - everything... I seriously cannot thank you all enough... for caring for us and being there for us... it just means so much! I love you all!

I also decided to change my profile layout to match my favorite time of the year...I know it is a touch early but if you know me - it can never be too early to start decorating for Christmas - I just needed something more cheery and bright to look at.

October 31, 2008

Halloween day for some reason was really difficult for me - it was just a day that I was so teary - I was so looking forward to taking Brev trick-or-treating but I just could not focus on that during the day - I was just heartbroken knowing that November was the very next day... I know that the more time that goes by - the easier it gets to get through the day but my heart is still so broken... I don't know if that will ever change or not... I miss Troy.. I miss being pregnant - I miss feeling him move - I felt him move only 2 days before I knew that he had passed and I am just heartbroken that he didn't get to live.. he never got to look into my eyes. I think that coming into November just really hit me that the month I was due with Troy is now already here.. and how fast it came. I received a card in the mail on Halloween day... it was perfect - I know that God knew I was having a hard day and receiveing that card was awesome... it was from my cousin and his wife - knowing that November was going to be a hard month - they remembered and sent a card saying they were thinking of us. It is amazing how God works... I am still in this spinning cycle with not feeling content - not knowing if I will ever carry a baby again... not knowing if we will be able to adopt or not... not knowing if we will be able to give Brevin a sibling... but knowing that God is still there and helping us through, giving us wonderful family and friends to help us and support us... I could not get through all of this without them. I just hope and pray that God will make it clear to us what we need to do next - I am getting frustrated doing nothing right now because I don't know what to do and each month that goes by seems like another month waisted and I don't want to continue feeling this way.

Spinning...

I am struggling today... I just cried all the way home from dropping Brev off at school - I heard on the radio a song that talked about having one life to live and to make the most of it. I just feel like I am sinking and I cannot get out. It really bothers me that my life is totally consumed by wanting another child so bad - I wish I could get that desire out of my head - it is all I think about lately and the unknown gets me so down - I don't know if I can ever carry a pregnancy again and to go into adoption - that could take years and even if we are chosen - that parent could back out on us and then we are left waiting again... I just don't know what to do and I WISH God would speak to me and tell me what it is we are supposed to do - what path he wants us to take but all I hear is silence... I just feel like my life is spinning in circles and just going no where and it is all because I just want to give Brevin a brother or sister so badly. I just want to feel content and okay with my life - the way it is right now - I want to stop hoping for another child... it is getting so emotionally draining. I just pray that God will give me some peace with what I have right now - I have so much - a wonderful husband... a wonderful son... a wonderful house to live in and wonderful friends and family... I just want to be content and at peace and happy where I am. I have only one earthly life and I don't want to continue living it the way I am... I just feel frustrated and sad today.

November might not be so bad...

So I have been dreading November coming - although I love Fall like I have mention many times before but just the fact of it being what would have been my due date... but... it might not be so bad after all. In November... I was invited to go to the Ohio Food Show where Paula Deen, Bobby Dean, Guy Fieri (spelling?) and Curtis Stone will be!! I am SO excited about that - I am such a geek when it comes to the Food Network and there is someone else out there like me that loves this kind of stuff so I am going with another Mom from Brev's school and I really cannot wait.

Also... I am having another Tastefully Simple party - I had one last year and it really was fun - tasting all the appetizers - I just love food and had a great time last year with everyone that came and hope this year will be fun also!

Then Mike and I and Brevin are going to Pensacola - we are really excited for this trip - I just hope the drive down goes well for Brevin. He is so excited to see the ocean and to hopefully collect shells... he is counting down the days - he kept asking me when we are leaving so I printed a Backyardagains calendar off of the internet and hung it on our fridge and now every morning.. he crosses off another day - it will be a nice, relaxing family vacation and we are just SO thankful that we can go.

So... I am just so grateful that God put these plans in my life (our lives) for November - I now have things to look foward to and keep me busy. God is SO good!!

October 15, 2008 - Rememberance Day

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.... for everyone that has lost a baby through miscarriage... stillbirth... premature and/or full term loss... SIDS... any infant loss. Please remember not only me but all of those that have had to endure such tragic losses.

Tonight at 7pm - everyone is invited to light a candle - to have a "wave of light" to burn for one hour - across the world to remember parents... pregnancies and infants. I will be lighting one for Troy tonight and for my miscarriage back in 2006.... I will also be lighting candles for those that I know have been through a loss.

The website for more information is:
http://www.october15th.com

It is a wonderful website - please check it out and please light a candle!

October 12, 2008

I absolutely LOVE fall - it is my favorite time of the year. Mike and I went to dinner tonight with 2 other couples... and on our drive out - just a little ways from our house I was looking out and saw the beautiful trees that are changing colors - some are so bright right now - it just brought tears to my eyes because it is all so bitter-sweet... I love fall but now fall to me has a very emotional side to it - I can't help but love seeing the beauty and being sad at the very same moment. Life goes on doesn't it... I just cannot believe we are in this season already and Thanksgiving.. Winter... Christmas is just a blink of an eye away - I still hate how time flies and it really does fly!!

Anyway...I am finally feeling better physially from my surgery - I no longer walk like an old lady - I am still quite sore... mornings and nights are the hardest but it is getting better each day - the motrin really helps along with an extremely helpful and wonderful husband!! I am very anxious to get into the gym - all the awesome meals that were brought it - well... we ate it all and are still eating it - I think I have gained 10 pounds just in the last week! I am so thankful for what everyone has done - even the simple "how are you doing today"... or... "How are you feeling"... it is amazing how much just those words mean to me - just knowing I am being thought of.. is that selfish?

I wanted to put in a devotional that I came across from The Purpose Driven Life - I receive daily devotionals over e-mail and this one just really caught my attention.


We Need Each Other: To Wait and Weep With

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 1 Peter 3:8 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***

As a pastor, I see situations daily that nobody should ever have to go through alone. Nobody should ever have to wait in the hospital while a loved one is in life-or-death surgery. No woman should ever have to wait alone for the lab report on a problem pregnancy. Nobody should ever have to wait for news from a battlefield alone. Nobody should ever have to stand at the edge of an open grave alone. Nobody should ever have to spend the first night alone when their spouse has just walked out.

Life’s tough times and tragedies are inevitable – each of us will face them. But we don’t need to go through them alone. We need God’s safety net to help hold us up through these difficult times.

What is God’s safety net? It is a group of other believers – a handful of people who are really committed to you. We call this kind of group a community. Here’s God’s plan for community: “If one part suffers, every part suffers with it” (1 Corinthians 12:26 NIV). Community is God’s answer to despair.

Romans 12:15 expresses a similar idea: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (NIV).

The first part of that verse is easy. When something good happens to someone, it’s often easy to join in on the party.

But when someone is having a tough time, it can seem more difficult. But, really, it’s simple. When you’re going through a crisis, you don’t want advice; you just want somebody to be there – to sit with you, hold your hand, put an arm around your shoulder, or cry with you.

As Paul tells us, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11 NIV). Encouraging someone else doesn’t always mean giving a pep talk or words of wisdom. Sometimes the best kind of encouragement is just sitting in silence – waiting and weeping with a friend.

Do you have a safety net – a group of fellow Christians you know you can count on in life’s toughest times? If not, go out today and begin building those friendships. The hard times in life are inevitable, and only a fool would go into them unprepared.

After reading this... I just pray to God that I will become more like this to others because this message is SO true! I don't want anyone to ever feel alone in times like these mentioned... I know this for myself... it has always been my biggest fear.. honestly.. I want to be more like Christ in this way especially - to help those that need help to get through a tough and emotional time - those time don't end a few weeks out or even a few months out... it never totally disappears no matter how much time has gone by - to feel continued support means the world!!

Doing well...

I made it though surgery - I knew I would but I was SO nervous! I got to the hospital at 11:30am for prep - was wheeled in the OR at 12:50pm and was out of the hospital at 3:00pm - it was fast! My first stop after surgery was the coffee shop for a skinny vanilla latte - I was craving that! I am on vicodin and doing pretty good - I am SO sore though - I had no idea how sore this procedure would be - walking is very hard right now as I cannot straighten up - taking a shower last night was hilarious I must say - Mike is taking such good care of me - Brev is too - he keeps asking me how I am doing and always giving me kisses and hugs - when I get up to walk, he just stares at me... I think expecting me to fall or something.. plus I look silly walking. I am so blessed with family and friends - thank you for all your prayers... cards and all the yummy meals.. and the edible fruit arrangement from my parents - ALL so very appreciated since I cannot get into the kitchen to cook at all! Thank you to Kris for sitting with Mike in the waiting room at the hospital and keeping him company and visiting me when I woke up - it was great!! To Josie for watching Brev the day of the surgery - picking him up from school and hanging out with him the rest of the afternoon... he had a blast!! Trina and Julie.. thanks for taking Brev yesterday - that was huge... we really appreciate it!! I will be back on a bit later - it still hurts a bit to sit - laying down is what feels the best right now but just wanted to thank everyone who might be reading this!!
~ Kim

Getting a bit nervous

Yep... I admit I am getting nervous for my surgery on Friday - I know it is very routine but just the thought of being put under scares me... I talked with the nurse today and she said surgery should take about 1 hour and 40 minutes - that seems like a long time... she said it might go quicker than that - maybe that is the time slot they have saved for me.. whatever the case - I am getting a little scared about the whole thing. I have to go to my doctor on Thursday because I seem to have a bit of a cold and they want to make sure my lungs are clear because they don't want to put you under if your congested - I am ready to have this over with - I know recovery might not be much fun for the first few days but I am kind of happy that I have a good week or more off work - hopefully I can just relax and let Mike take care of me!!

Surgery

Next week Friday, October 3, I will be having hernia surgery.. can you believe it?? What more can we add to 2008?? I just found out today at my Dr's appointment... I am fine with it now but when I first learned that I might have a hernia a couple days ago at my OB appointment - I about lost it, poor Mike came home from work with me crying - I was just thinking when will this end? I am just ready to have a good year and hope 2009 will bring that. On a good note - I am thankful that this is only a hernia - I was scared as to what was going on - I found this lump a few months back but thought nothing of it - it would go away and then come back but the past week is has gotten worse - it doesn't hurt - just really annoying and obvious, I was scared of what it could be... so I am glad it is something that is correctable... it just sets us back a little bit but that is okay. Pensacola is sounding really good right now - I wish we could leave today for vacation!! My doctor told me that I would have to take about 10-14 days off from work.. does that seem right? I can't imagine it would take me that long to recover... I just hope this goes okay - I am a little nervous!

A good weekend...

This weekend was busy but very fun... we traveled to Holland... On Saturday...Mike and I, along with is family moved his parents from their house into a beautiful apartment that was so made for them - we are so happy for them and are excited to visit them again in their new place! We then had my cousins wedding to attend that evening - it was such a beautiful wedding - the weather was perfect and the setting was beautiful - an outdoor wedding in a beautiful park. My cousin, who got married that day, showed everyone at his wedding how much he truely loves his new bride - it was so amazing to watch him standing up front with the minister noticing everyone sitting in the crowd but soon as he saw his bride - he attention and focus was immediately on her and that very moment - it was awesome - God totally made Himself known on that day!!

It was so much fun catching up with family at the reception - having a few drinks and dancing - it was fun! It really was nice having a weekend where my mind was focused on happiness instead of sadness - to just let loose was really nice!! Eventhough it was a busy weekend - it was relaxing also... mentally!!

On another happy note - we are officially going to Florida for Thanksgiving!! Mike and I really wanted to get away for that week.. being what was my due date... Thanks to our friend and pastors wife... we now have a beautiful condo to stay at in Pensacola - on the ocean with beautiful beaches... we are SO excited and so blessed that this came our way... to be able to have a vacation that won't cost us an arm and a leg - we are SO grateful.. thank you to Trina and her parents for doing this for us!!

Well.. that is it for now - it was just really refreshing to have a good weekend and I am very thankful for that!!

Here are a few pics from the wedding that I thought I would share...

Me with My Dad


Mike and I


Me with Marianne

A God Moment

I was putting Brevin to bed a couple nights ago and everynight he says his bedtime prayer: "Jesus, thank you for today, thank you for my work and play, Bless me as I sleep tonight.. keep me always in your sight". After he said his prayer... he was running his fingers through my hair and asked me if I said a bedtime prayer.. I answered without thinking "Yes I do"... he then looked at me said "no you don't mom". Wow.. did that hit me.. my prayer life has taken a big hit... I guess you could say - I go nights without saying a prayer... I go days without saying a prayer.. talking to God or anything like that. I remember after I had Troy, the following morning.. a nurse gave me a basket full of stuff - one thing that was in that basket was a journal. I tried writing in it but I am horrible at writing - I always have more to write than my hand allows me to write.. my hand gets sore and I lose my thoughts because I can't write fast enough - I would rather type which is why I started this blog. I know of a few people that have a prayer journal and I have always wanted to start that. After I put my son to bed that night - I immediately thought about this journal from the hospital - I am going to make that my prayer journal - just write down names of those that need prayers and prayers of my own - short notes. I know God gave me this idea - he knows I am struggling with my relationship with Him since I had to say goodbye to my little boy and maybe this is a way to help restore that relationship with Him... I know I need Him in my life - more now than ever...I am going to give this prayer journal a try.

I wanted to put down the lyrics of a song by Casting Crowns - the words have SO much meaning to me but I honestly cannot listen to the song - it just makes me sob to no end but I do know that I need to praise God in this storm - I am thankful for all the friends and family that God has put into my life - I could not get through this without them and for that.. I praise God!

Praise You in This Storm
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Prayer request...

I can't believe September is already here - Brevin starts school tomorrow - I start aiding once a week in his school (for a different class) - I got all my fall decorations out and decorated my house - Fall is my favorite time of year - my favorite season yet all I can think about at the moment is that I should have been 7 months pregnant - there are days where I am doing fine but then days like today where all I can think of is why.. why did this happen.. why did Troy have to die.. why did God let this happen - not having answers makes me sad and makes me angry sometimes - I may never know why but all I can do is take comfort knowing that Troy is with God - he is happy and loved in Heaven and I know I will see him again one day - I just pray that God will give me more peace in this... I pray that I will not lose sight of God because honestly I feel like I am fading away somewhat and it is hard finding my way back so those who might be reading this - if you could pray that my relationship with God grows stronger - that I get back on track again and that God shows me how to do that.. also that I would focus on what I have... my wonderful husband and son, Brevin... and not focus on what I don't have and what I want so badly... I would SO appreciate it!! I know God is there for me and waiting for me to come to him but I think I am so wrapped up in this grief that I cannot get my way through... tomorrow will be a better day.. I know this - God will see me through!!

To my precious Troy
There is honestly not a single day that goes by where I don't think of you... you are on my mind constantly and I miss you so much! I wish you were here with us but I know you are in God's loving arms and looking down on us. I hope you know how much you are loved and missed. Sending a kiss and a hug to you!
Love,
Mommy

Just thinking back....

I don't know what made me think of this but I just wanted to post some pictures of the beautiful flowers that were sent to me from family and friends.....back in June. The last photo was what the hospital sent me home with - it was a basket full of wonderful stuff - made by volunteers that have lost babies also. There was a couple books in there on grief and losing a baby.... a journal to write in... a couple precious keepsake bookmarks... an ornament.... an angel pen.... a candle.... chocolates... tea... a beautiful coffee mug... kleenex... and some hand and more.

I honestly have to say that I was never a card person but I am now - I look at the cards that I received often - just knowing I had all that support and all those that were thinking of me... means a lot to me and I will cherish those cards always - I am still receiving cards in the mail - not as much anymore which I expect but it is so comforting to still receive those cards.... just makes me know that I am cared for and still thought of... that has been my worse fear... feeling that "alone" feeling.. like everyone has forgotten and moved on... I am getting there and hanging in there... doing better a little each day but I do still have my down days but I have the most wonderful husband in the world that helps me through and the best 4 year old - he seems to know when I am down - and he totally lifts me up! Thank you Lord for giving me my wonderful husband and son, family and friends - you have blessed me with so much!

The Weekend...

This past weekend went pretty well - I was in Holland from Wednesday till Saturday. Wednesday night I went out for coffee with my sister-in-law and we just talked - it was the best - wish I could do that more often - before coffee we stopped at Restlawn to see Troy's grave - I hate it that we don't have a headstone for him yet but hopefully we will soon - it really was nice to stop there!

On Saturday we went to my Aunt and Uncle's house in Middleville MI - they live on a lake and we celebrated my Grandparents 60th wedding anniversary - all my family was coming in for this - my mom is one of 6 kids in her family and some live out of state. I was very excited and also dreading it at the same time. I can't quite put my finger on it but for some reason, seeing family for the first time since losing Troy just makes me nervous or uneasy - maybe it is because I don't know what they are going to say to me or not going to say.... I don't know - sometimes it is just worse when nobody says anything and acts like nothing happened. Mike and I got lots of hugs and lots of "we have been thinking of you guys" - it really was nice - my Aunt Bonnie talked to me for quite a while and that was really nice also - it really did go well and we had lots of fun!! some pictures from the weekend...

Uncle Dave and Aunt Kathy's house on Duncan Lake

The Cuneo Clan

The "Doggie Cousins", Sisco, Marco (the tiny one), Polo, Blue and Molly

Here they are again... but Ralph decided to join in - he is the golden retriever.

Marianne with Trinity, Me with Brevin on the boat -

my mom and counsin Zoe are in the background

The boys playing horseshoes

Kids Playing in the lake

Now we are off to another new week - I am leaving Wednesday with Mike again for Holland and because he has to work out of the Holland location on Thursday morning so soon as he is done - then we are heading up to Ludington to my mom and dad's cottage for the weekend - I am looking forward to that.

I can't believe that fall is almost here - fall is my favorite time of the year and I really hope it stays that way - it is going to be so hard when November rolls around - Mike and I had a long talk last night and we both are not looking forward to Thanksgiving - it just isn't going to be like it has been in the past. It is going to be hard for me to be all happy knowing that we should be having or holding our son that was due then. So Mike and I decided that we are going to get away for the holiday - we are not totally sure where but we have brought up going to Golf Shores, AL or somewhere warm - where we can drive since we cannot afford to fly right now. So.. that is what our plan is of now - it isn't going to make the pain go away.. I realize that but I think it will be nice to get away as a family and just be to ourselves.

How good days turn bad in an instant

It really isn't how my good day turns bad - it isn't bad... there are just "things" that suddenly make me feel sad and mad - things that make me think that I should still be pregnant with Troy.

Today... I went to a short meeting at my sons school today- it was for being an aid to the teacher in the classroom once a week - you get a discount on tuition if you do this which is worth it because it is expensive sending Brev to a private Christian preschool.... anyway.. this meeting was just an introduction to aiding and what it all involves and what is expected from you etc.... when I got there - I sat at a big round table with about 8 moms that were all interested in aiding - very shortly into the meeting we went around the table and introduced ourselves... I was the only one there that had just one child. One lady had just - and I mean just (like 3 weeks ago) had her 4th baby... the whole meeting ended up being about infancy - how her baby was just sleeping through the night - how hard it is to juggle 4 kids etc... etc... Then one of the teachers spoke up on how her daughter is due in November with her 3rd and how she was doing and not feeling well etc... etc... I had to do everything possible in me to not lose it, thats when I was due - my eyes were tearing up and I almost walked out - I didn't want to start crying infront of everyone but it was so hard keeping it all inside - nobody noticed that I was about in tears and I am so glad about that but I was just not expecting the conversation to be like this at an aids meeting - it threw me off guard for sure. I hate the fact that I have NO idea when I am going to be faced with these kind of things - it was just really hard and now my day just seems down.

Just thinking...

Today is a bit of a cleaning day for me - cleaning out the closet in our computer room - what a job!! As I am cleaning - Brevin, my 4 year old, out of no where says "Mommy, I really want a baby brother like my friend Bryant has"... My eyes just filled with tears - this is the first time that Brevin has ever mentioned wanting a sibling. By the time I was ready to give him an answer - he was off playing - he wasn't waiting for an answer - he was just telling me what he was thinking at that moment.

Since he made that comment - I have been thinking. At my last appointment with my fertility specialist in Ann Arbor - we were talking about my situation - what had happened with my recent pregnancy - we are still not sure exactly what happened but I am having tests run on me to see if it might have been possible ICP (Cholestasis of Pregnancy). If I am able to get pregnant again and I miscarry again - with no known cause - then I am out of options as far as me getting pregnant again - IVF is not an option - I can get pregnant with fertility help but I just cannot keep a pregnancy. My infertility doctor told me that then my only options would be a gestational carrier (surrogate mother) or adoption - both so expensive - I have read that surrogate moms get paid a lot on top of all the medical bills that obviously we would pay - I doubt our insurance would pay medical bills of someone else carrying our baby. We still would have to check into adoption but we are clueless as to where to begin - what is a legit agency - who to trust... etc... I hate the unknown and not knowing if we will ever have a second child in our home... it is heartbreaking - I just pray that God will shed some light and guide us as to where HE wants us to go - what road to take.

That is it for today!!! I am trying to deal with a horrible sinus infection at the moment - Yuck!!

Frustrating....

So... all the medical bill are starting to pour in - honestly not sure how we are going to pay for all of this..... still feeling the physical effects of birth which should not bother me but there is no baby for me to hold and I am very bothered by my body - prolonging the healing process... for some reason.

Appointments and everything else....

I went into the ER yesterday - I was feeling dizzy - chest tight, just not feeing right and such heavy bleeding - I had called my doctors office just to let them know my symptoms thinking that maybe they would just fit me in real quick - I already had an appointment set up for today but thought maybe I could just get in yesterday - well... got a call back from the nurse and she told me that my doctor wanted me to go over to ER to get blood work done and a pelvic exam just to make sure nothing is going on that shouldn't. I called Mike who was in Holland and he came home - I didn't want to go to ER myself because you usually get stuck there for more time than needed - anyway - I took Brev again over to Hillary's house (I have NO idea what I would do without her)... Mike came home around 1:30 and off to the ER we went - I checked in and waited... got called back to a room and waited (did I mention that I hate ER?) - finally I was seen - had my pelvic done - everything was fine... they started an IV and drew lots of blood - the nurse looked at my hands and at my eyes and said I looked very anemic - I waited on this bed in this room with others for a long time - the results came back... all was normal - felt like the day was so waisted. I had my OB appointment today - it went okay - my doctor is so amazing - we just talked and I just cried - there are days where I do so well and then days like today where I don't know how I am going to make it through - I sometimes wonder if I should find a support group - I go online a lot to babycenter.com and read posts from others that have been through similar experiences - it is just sad and depressing.

I was at church this past Sunday and this lady walked in with her husband - very pregnant and everyone ran up to her to talk to her - she is a regular at our church and hasn't been there in a while - she is very nice, I have her 2 boys in Sunday School - when she walked in... I had to go into the ladies room because I could not stop crying - all I kept thinking was why does her baby get to live and mine had to die.... I hate feeling this way.

My sweet little boy really does help me through.. whenever I am sad - he just knows - he instantly asks me why I miss my baby - he will still touch my stomach and ask if another baby is in there yet. He gives me hugs and just makes the day a little better.
Anyway.. that is my story for today - just another hard day for me - lots of tears and emotions - I just wish my little boy would have made it into this world - I wish I could have rocked him and fed him and dressed him. I just don't understand why I went through 2 1/2 years of infertility only to finally get pregnant again and then lose my baby.... Just another hard day that I will get through!

Memorial Service

We had a short memorial service on Saturday, July 19 - we wanted to keep it with immediate family only. Mike really wanted his best friend Tom Buis there so he came with his wife Bonnie, Mark Neitzel, our really good friend, was there handling everything - he works for Dykstra Funeral Home - he brought his wife Debbie. Mom and Dad, Jeff and Marianne, Grandma and Grandpa, Mom and Dad W, Jan and Howard, Pat and Marlan, Judy and Roger were there also. It was a very rainy day but when it started raining... I instantly felt like it was so appropriate - like Heaven knew it was a sad day for us here on earth so they were crying from up above and those were the tears falling down on us. That maybe sounds corny but that is honestly what I thought of on that day. Kris and Trina, our pastor and his wife (and very good friends of ours), were there also - Kris spoke very shortly and my mom did also - I had no idea she was going to speak - it was a surprise to us... it was very sweet of her to do that. We all stood in the rain with umbrella's over the grave site - it was a very short service but perfect. When the service was done - everyone left. Mike took Troy's vault and put it in the ground and kissed his fingers and layed his finger on the vault - he then layed a rose on the vault and I took a rose out of the plant that was from my mom and dad and Mike's mom and dad and layed that on the vault also.... it was so much more emotioal than I thought. My Mom had everyone over for brunch afterwards.
I felt like the day went really well considering - I was so nervous what others were going think... were we going to far.. blowing this all out of porortion... I don't know... I really don't think that way anymore - I really believe Mike and I had to do that memorial service for ourselves - to bring us some peace. After holding Troy and being able to spend time with him - eventhough he was already gone - we just kept looking at him - he was a real baby - a real life - a child of God - how could we not do anything? I am so thankful for everyone that showed up... we really needed to have that day!

Hard Day...

For some reason.. today is just a hard day - maybe because I leave for vacation tomorrow and I already had layed out some maternity clothes to take with - like a bathing suit and shorts and I had to put them back in the box this morning and take the box full of maternity clothes to the basement - I also took the bin full of maternity clothes back to my friend Hillary - she had loan me a bunch of clothes - that was so hard to bring back.

I am just sad - I ran a bunch of errands today and all I saw was pregnant women everywhere - I know it is only because I notice it more now. I just keep wondering why this happened - am I really meant to not have anymore kids? Just thinking that kills me because I want more so bad - I really thought this pregnancy was going to work - I made it past 12 weeks - I didn't with the last pregnancy before this one - I just thought this baby was going to make it. I keep praying to God that if I am not meant to be pregnant again to please take the desire of wanting to be pregnant away from me. It just hurts to see people walking around with 2-3 kids or more - I don't know.. I feel like I am being selfish for wanting more - I have the best little boy in the world right now - Mike and I realize now how much of a miracle he is - the fact that we even have him is such a God gift.. such a blessing. I just want to give him a sibling - someone he will have when Mike and I are gone - more of a family than just himself. I do feel so guilty for wanting this... I don't know... all I know is that it is out of my hands - it is all in God's hands - but I do hope that God has another child planned in our future. Waiting is so hard and wanting is so hard but I have to be patient - I mean.. that is all I can do right now - I have no choice.

June 23, 2008 - Back to work

Last night was my first night back to work (Monday, June 23) - I work at a local gym 2 nights a week from 5 - 10:30pm and then on Sundays from 1pm till 7:30pm. I was dreading going back to work - there are some customers that knew I was pregnant but don't realize that I am no longer pregnant and what I had gone through. When I got to work, my boss came up to the front counter and just looked at me and shook his head - I just teared up and could barely talk - I could tell he didn't know what to say. During that evening - a lot of members came up to me and asked me how my vacation was - that must have been what the other staff members were telling the customers - it was weird - I just answered that it really wasn't a vacation - I was just at home and just left it at that - they didn't ask anymore than that which I was glad. The night went pretty good - it kept me busy - when I was done - I got in my car and just cried all the way home - I don't know why but I guess I just had to get it out. I am glad I got my first night of work out of the way but it is really hard having to move on - I can't believe it has been almost 2 weeks since this all happened - I hate it that it is going by so fast for some reason. Maybe because the cards have stopped coming in the mail... not really receiving e-mails and phone calls anymore, I am okay with that, I mean.. it is bound to happen at some point - life does go on but I am just not ready to move on right now and I guess it is hard to see others move on - Maybe I am starting to feel very alone in all of this - I have Mike which I am so grateful for... SO grateful for him.... it just feels like everyone else has moved on and I am just not ready too... I know I will at some point. It's just hard.... very hard!

June 14, 2008 - leaving the hospital

After giving birth to Troy and spending time with him, I tried to settle in to go to sleep - the nurse gave me another dose of this Nubain drug to help me sleep - it was about 3:00am - soon as I was given the dose and she left the room - I layed there listening to a women screaming in the room next to me in full blown labor - it really bothered me.. knowing she was giving birth to probably a healthy baby - listening to her was so hard. I finally fell asleep at some point and woke up around 6:30am. I thought I was going to be fine being in the hospital but soon as I woke up...I was so anxious to get out of there - I was hearing babies crying in the rooms next to me - it was hard - knowing that all these women were walking out with their babies and all I had to walk out with was a box, with my sons footprints and handprints and material on grief and loss - it was a lot harder than I thought it would be - it took a long time to finally leave - the doctor had to come in to discharge me and it took about 2 hours.... Mike ended up taking all my stuff out to the car because I just didn't want to be the one walking out with the box - by the time he got back - the doctor already came in and I was all ready to leave. Brevin was with my parents that weekend - when we got home - I took a nap on the couch and Mike went out on the deck and layed in the sun and took a nap - after a while - we decided that we didn't want to just sit at home so we got in the car and just drove - we ended up in Greek Town and had dinner at Fishbones - it was nice to get out but we were both sitting at the table in the restaurant just still in shock with what we had just been through. By the time we got home - we were both just tired and ended up going to bed.

Meeting our little boy, June 13, 2008

It was Thursday, June 12 and I was getting ready for work - it was about 3:30pm. I decided to listen to my baby's heartbeat one more time before going to work with the baby beat doppler monitor that I had rented. I tried for over an hour to find it and I have no luck. I called Mike in tears and then I called the doctors office... the nurse said to just keep trying and try to take it easy tonight. I ended up calling Teresa from the gym to tell her what was going on and that I would not be in tonight - I was SO scared and just cried. I never had a problem finding the heartbeat - I had just heart it a couple days before and have been listening to the heartbeat since 12 weeks. That night I just kept trying and trying to find it - still nothing. Mike even took Brev out of the house because I was just a wreck.

The next morning, Friday, June 13, I called the doctors office immediately when they opened at 8:30 am and they got me an appointment at 10am with Dr. S. Mike came home around 9:15am and we took Brevin over to Hillary's so she could watch him. We headed to the doctors office and we were brought into the room. The nurse came in and said congratulations on the pregnancy and gave us a form to fill out to make our appointment for our formal ultrasound. She walked out and said the Dr. would be in soon - I remember looking at Mike and thinking that we would not be going to a formal ultrasound - I pretty much threw the paper at Mike....I just knew in my heart that something was wrong.

The doctor came in and I told him what was going on and he had me lay down and tried looking for the heartbeat with his doppler monitor... he tried and tried but nothing... he then said he woudl be right back with the ultrasound machine. I just knew in my heart that the baby had died. He came in and hooked up the machine and did the ultrasound. He kept looking into the screen and said nothing... I looked up at Mike and I saw Mike cringe his face and shook his head a bit - I was so sad. The doctor then looked at me and just said I am so sorry - there is no heartbeat. I looked at the screen at a perfect baby - I could not believe how big the baby was on the screen but it was obvious there was no heartbeat. I wasn't shocked at all but just so sad. I sat up and then asked the doctor if I had to go to get a D&C and his answer shocked me. He said that being this far along we cannot do a D&C - I had to be induced labor and deliver my baby. I didn't know what to say. When he left the room I just looked at Mike and started crying so hard - I could not believe I had to go through labor and deliver my baby who already died. I did not know how I was going to make it through that.

We left the doctors office and just sat in the car in the parking lot for the longest time - we were both in shock and had no idea what to do. The doctor said we could go to the hospital at any time. I ended up calling Hillary to tell her what was going on. We both tried calling my mom but she was at work and we could not get a hold of her... we called Marianne.. my sister-in-law and told her and asked her to get a hold of my mom and have her call Mike's cell phone. Once she called and we both talked to her we headed home. My mom said that her and my Dad were leaving at 1pm to come and get Brevin to take him back to their house for the weekend. Mike and I went home to pack a suitcase for Brevin - to make sure our neighbors Rick and Laurie would watch Blue - our dog for us. Mike and I just sat in the silent house and we didn't know what to say. We each made a few phone calls... I called Teresa at work to tell her that I was not going to be on Sunday and to basically tell Mike, my boss, to leave me off the schedule for a while. I called Hillary to tell her that my Mom and Dad were going to pick up Brevin at her house around 3-4pm and that Mike and I were going to come and drop off Brevin's suitcase at her house and to say bye to Brevin.

I think after about an hour and a half - Mike and I decided to get going. Mike grabbed me and hugged me and prayed out loud for us. We just stood there in the kitchen and could not immagine what we were about to go through that day.

We left the house and went to Hillary's to drop off Brev's suitcase and carseat. It was so hard seeing Hillary - she was so upset and we tried so hard to hold it together around the kids. Mike and I gave Brevin a big hug and kiss and told him that Grandma and Grandpa B were going to pick him up in a couple hours - he was excited but when it was time for us to go - he just clinged to me and cried - wanting me to stay - that was so hard! We ended up giving him his binky and blanky and he went to sit on Hillary's couch and was okay with us leaving... I have NO idea what I would do without my friend Hillary - she has helped us SO much with all my appointments with the infertility doctor.. taking care of Brevin... I seriously don't know what I would do without her.

I don't even remember what time exactly that we got to the hospital - it was around 1:30pm or so - we went to check in and the lady asked me what I was checking in for - I about lost it - she had no idea but I had to say to deliver - she didn't ask anything more and showed us where to go. When we got to the labor and delivery floor, the nurse at the counter didn't even ask who we were - she just took us immediately to a corner birthing room - she knew who we were and what we were there for. The nurse gave me a gown to change into and she saw that I was crying and just gave me a huge hug and said she was so sorry I had to go through this. I sat on the little couch waiting for the doctor - I just couldn't lay on that bed yet. Dr. B came in - he is the doctor that I usually see - I absolutely love him - he is the best and I was so happy that he was going to be there with me through this. He said how sorry he was and how horrible this was - he said he was shocked when he heard from Dr. Sibson that I was going to be coming in. Dr. B told me how I was going to be induced and that it would probably take about 6 hours before anything happened and if nothing happened yet - he would have to give me another dose of these pills to induce me more.

At 2pm - he inserted the pills and I was induced. I thought the waiting was going to be horrible but it was okay. My Mom and Dad came to see me before they went to Hillary's to get Brevin. After they left, our pastor Kris and his wife Trina came in and sat with us while we waited - that was so wonderful that they were there. Our neighbors Rick and Laurie stopped in also. Kris and Trina left around 7:00pm I think, saying a prayer for us before leaving..... I still was not progressing at all. Dr. B came in shortly after 8pm and did another dose of the pills to induce the labor and we waited and waited. Finally around 10:45-11pm I was in full blown labor - the contractions were one on top of the other, it was painful and my whole body was shaking. The nurse gave me another dose of Nubain, a drug to relax me, but it would not work. Dr. B came in and checked me and said I was ready to go - I really had the urge to push at that moment... I think I only pushed 3-4 times and our little baby was born. I was so scared to look at him - I didnt know what to expect but then Mike looked at me and said how beautiful he was and that I really needed to look. The nurse said that he was a boy (we didnt' know till that point if the baby was a boy or girl). I could not believe how wonderful the nurses were to him - they treated him like they would any other baby that was alive - they were calling him sweetie and sweetheart and just were so tender with him. Dr. B said how perfect he was - he could not find anything that was wrong - no cord accident, no obvious signs of anything being wrong. They wrapped the baby up in a blanket and the nurse sat down by us and let Mike and I hold him and spend time with him - she left the room for awhile. He really was perfect - we touched his fingers and feet which were so perfectly formed - we touched his lips and we opened up his mouth and saw his little tounge - he was such a beautiful baby but just so silent, so small. Mike and I had already picked out a boys name - a girls name we were not settled on yet. We named him Troy Jeffrey - Jeffrey is after my wonderful brother. We had that name picked out so it seemed so right to keep that name for him and not name him anything else - that name belonged to him. We spent as much time with him as we could. The nurse took pictures of him - of his little hands and feet and also gave us his handprints and footprints. As horrible as the whole experience was - it was also amazing because we got to see Troy and hold him and touch him, I am so glad I went through labor and was able to feel everything - I didn't have that with Brevin because I had an epidural... it just made the experience all the more real - that Troy was a real baby - I went through the whole process but he was just born still and silent - though it was so sad.... it was an amazing experience and I will be forever grateful to God that He allowed us to have that experiece and time with our baby boy.