For some reason.. today is just a hard day - maybe because I leave for vacation tomorrow and I already had layed out some maternity clothes to take with - like a bathing suit and shorts and I had to put them back in the box this morning and take the box full of maternity clothes to the basement - I also took the bin full of maternity clothes back to my friend Hillary - she had loan me a bunch of clothes - that was so hard to bring back.
I am just sad - I ran a bunch of errands today and all I saw was pregnant women everywhere - I know it is only because I notice it more now. I just keep wondering why this happened - am I really meant to not have anymore kids? Just thinking that kills me because I want more so bad - I really thought this pregnancy was going to work - I made it past 12 weeks - I didn't with the last pregnancy before this one - I just thought this baby was going to make it. I keep praying to God that if I am not meant to be pregnant again to please take the desire of wanting to be pregnant away from me. It just hurts to see people walking around with 2-3 kids or more - I don't know.. I feel like I am being selfish for wanting more - I have the best little boy in the world right now - Mike and I realize now how much of a miracle he is - the fact that we even have him is such a God gift.. such a blessing. I just want to give him a sibling - someone he will have when Mike and I are gone - more of a family than just himself. I do feel so guilty for wanting this... I don't know... all I know is that it is out of my hands - it is all in God's hands - but I do hope that God has another child planned in our future. Waiting is so hard and wanting is so hard but I have to be patient - I mean.. that is all I can do right now - I have no choice.
