Frustrating....

So... all the medical bill are starting to pour in - honestly not sure how we are going to pay for all of this..... still feeling the physical effects of birth which should not bother me but there is no baby for me to hold and I am very bothered by my body - prolonging the healing process... for some reason.

Appointments and everything else....

I went into the ER yesterday - I was feeling dizzy - chest tight, just not feeing right and such heavy bleeding - I had called my doctors office just to let them know my symptoms thinking that maybe they would just fit me in real quick - I already had an appointment set up for today but thought maybe I could just get in yesterday - well... got a call back from the nurse and she told me that my doctor wanted me to go over to ER to get blood work done and a pelvic exam just to make sure nothing is going on that shouldn't. I called Mike who was in Holland and he came home - I didn't want to go to ER myself because you usually get stuck there for more time than needed - anyway - I took Brev again over to Hillary's house (I have NO idea what I would do without her)... Mike came home around 1:30 and off to the ER we went - I checked in and waited... got called back to a room and waited (did I mention that I hate ER?) - finally I was seen - had my pelvic done - everything was fine... they started an IV and drew lots of blood - the nurse looked at my hands and at my eyes and said I looked very anemic - I waited on this bed in this room with others for a long time - the results came back... all was normal - felt like the day was so waisted. I had my OB appointment today - it went okay - my doctor is so amazing - we just talked and I just cried - there are days where I do so well and then days like today where I don't know how I am going to make it through - I sometimes wonder if I should find a support group - I go online a lot to babycenter.com and read posts from others that have been through similar experiences - it is just sad and depressing.

I was at church this past Sunday and this lady walked in with her husband - very pregnant and everyone ran up to her to talk to her - she is a regular at our church and hasn't been there in a while - she is very nice, I have her 2 boys in Sunday School - when she walked in... I had to go into the ladies room because I could not stop crying - all I kept thinking was why does her baby get to live and mine had to die.... I hate feeling this way.

My sweet little boy really does help me through.. whenever I am sad - he just knows - he instantly asks me why I miss my baby - he will still touch my stomach and ask if another baby is in there yet. He gives me hugs and just makes the day a little better.
Anyway.. that is my story for today - just another hard day for me - lots of tears and emotions - I just wish my little boy would have made it into this world - I wish I could have rocked him and fed him and dressed him. I just don't understand why I went through 2 1/2 years of infertility only to finally get pregnant again and then lose my baby.... Just another hard day that I will get through!

Memorial Service

We had a short memorial service on Saturday, July 19 - we wanted to keep it with immediate family only. Mike really wanted his best friend Tom Buis there so he came with his wife Bonnie, Mark Neitzel, our really good friend, was there handling everything - he works for Dykstra Funeral Home - he brought his wife Debbie. Mom and Dad, Jeff and Marianne, Grandma and Grandpa, Mom and Dad W, Jan and Howard, Pat and Marlan, Judy and Roger were there also. It was a very rainy day but when it started raining... I instantly felt like it was so appropriate - like Heaven knew it was a sad day for us here on earth so they were crying from up above and those were the tears falling down on us. That maybe sounds corny but that is honestly what I thought of on that day. Kris and Trina, our pastor and his wife (and very good friends of ours), were there also - Kris spoke very shortly and my mom did also - I had no idea she was going to speak - it was a surprise to us... it was very sweet of her to do that. We all stood in the rain with umbrella's over the grave site - it was a very short service but perfect. When the service was done - everyone left. Mike took Troy's vault and put it in the ground and kissed his fingers and layed his finger on the vault - he then layed a rose on the vault and I took a rose out of the plant that was from my mom and dad and Mike's mom and dad and layed that on the vault also.... it was so much more emotioal than I thought. My Mom had everyone over for brunch afterwards.
I felt like the day went really well considering - I was so nervous what others were going think... were we going to far.. blowing this all out of porortion... I don't know... I really don't think that way anymore - I really believe Mike and I had to do that memorial service for ourselves - to bring us some peace. After holding Troy and being able to spend time with him - eventhough he was already gone - we just kept looking at him - he was a real baby - a real life - a child of God - how could we not do anything? I am so thankful for everyone that showed up... we really needed to have that day!