Just thinking back....

I don't know what made me think of this but I just wanted to post some pictures of the beautiful flowers that were sent to me from family and friends.....back in June. The last photo was what the hospital sent me home with - it was a basket full of wonderful stuff - made by volunteers that have lost babies also. There was a couple books in there on grief and losing a baby.... a journal to write in... a couple precious keepsake bookmarks... an ornament.... an angel pen.... a candle.... chocolates... tea... a beautiful coffee mug... kleenex... and some hand and more.

I honestly have to say that I was never a card person but I am now - I look at the cards that I received often - just knowing I had all that support and all those that were thinking of me... means a lot to me and I will cherish those cards always - I am still receiving cards in the mail - not as much anymore which I expect but it is so comforting to still receive those cards.... just makes me know that I am cared for and still thought of... that has been my worse fear... feeling that "alone" feeling.. like everyone has forgotten and moved on... I am getting there and hanging in there... doing better a little each day but I do still have my down days but I have the most wonderful husband in the world that helps me through and the best 4 year old - he seems to know when I am down - and he totally lifts me up! Thank you Lord for giving me my wonderful husband and son, family and friends - you have blessed me with so much!

The Weekend...

This past weekend went pretty well - I was in Holland from Wednesday till Saturday. Wednesday night I went out for coffee with my sister-in-law and we just talked - it was the best - wish I could do that more often - before coffee we stopped at Restlawn to see Troy's grave - I hate it that we don't have a headstone for him yet but hopefully we will soon - it really was nice to stop there!

On Saturday we went to my Aunt and Uncle's house in Middleville MI - they live on a lake and we celebrated my Grandparents 60th wedding anniversary - all my family was coming in for this - my mom is one of 6 kids in her family and some live out of state. I was very excited and also dreading it at the same time. I can't quite put my finger on it but for some reason, seeing family for the first time since losing Troy just makes me nervous or uneasy - maybe it is because I don't know what they are going to say to me or not going to say.... I don't know - sometimes it is just worse when nobody says anything and acts like nothing happened. Mike and I got lots of hugs and lots of "we have been thinking of you guys" - it really was nice - my Aunt Bonnie talked to me for quite a while and that was really nice also - it really did go well and we had lots of fun!! some pictures from the weekend...

Uncle Dave and Aunt Kathy's house on Duncan Lake

The Cuneo Clan

The "Doggie Cousins", Sisco, Marco (the tiny one), Polo, Blue and Molly

Here they are again... but Ralph decided to join in - he is the golden retriever.

Marianne with Trinity, Me with Brevin on the boat -

my mom and counsin Zoe are in the background

The boys playing horseshoes

Kids Playing in the lake

Now we are off to another new week - I am leaving Wednesday with Mike again for Holland and because he has to work out of the Holland location on Thursday morning so soon as he is done - then we are heading up to Ludington to my mom and dad's cottage for the weekend - I am looking forward to that.

I can't believe that fall is almost here - fall is my favorite time of the year and I really hope it stays that way - it is going to be so hard when November rolls around - Mike and I had a long talk last night and we both are not looking forward to Thanksgiving - it just isn't going to be like it has been in the past. It is going to be hard for me to be all happy knowing that we should be having or holding our son that was due then. So Mike and I decided that we are going to get away for the holiday - we are not totally sure where but we have brought up going to Golf Shores, AL or somewhere warm - where we can drive since we cannot afford to fly right now. So.. that is what our plan is of now - it isn't going to make the pain go away.. I realize that but I think it will be nice to get away as a family and just be to ourselves.

How good days turn bad in an instant

It really isn't how my good day turns bad - it isn't bad... there are just "things" that suddenly make me feel sad and mad - things that make me think that I should still be pregnant with Troy.

Today... I went to a short meeting at my sons school today- it was for being an aid to the teacher in the classroom once a week - you get a discount on tuition if you do this which is worth it because it is expensive sending Brev to a private Christian preschool.... anyway.. this meeting was just an introduction to aiding and what it all involves and what is expected from you etc.... when I got there - I sat at a big round table with about 8 moms that were all interested in aiding - very shortly into the meeting we went around the table and introduced ourselves... I was the only one there that had just one child. One lady had just - and I mean just (like 3 weeks ago) had her 4th baby... the whole meeting ended up being about infancy - how her baby was just sleeping through the night - how hard it is to juggle 4 kids etc... etc... Then one of the teachers spoke up on how her daughter is due in November with her 3rd and how she was doing and not feeling well etc... etc... I had to do everything possible in me to not lose it, thats when I was due - my eyes were tearing up and I almost walked out - I didn't want to start crying infront of everyone but it was so hard keeping it all inside - nobody noticed that I was about in tears and I am so glad about that but I was just not expecting the conversation to be like this at an aids meeting - it threw me off guard for sure. I hate the fact that I have NO idea when I am going to be faced with these kind of things - it was just really hard and now my day just seems down.

Just thinking...

Today is a bit of a cleaning day for me - cleaning out the closet in our computer room - what a job!! As I am cleaning - Brevin, my 4 year old, out of no where says "Mommy, I really want a baby brother like my friend Bryant has"... My eyes just filled with tears - this is the first time that Brevin has ever mentioned wanting a sibling. By the time I was ready to give him an answer - he was off playing - he wasn't waiting for an answer - he was just telling me what he was thinking at that moment.

Since he made that comment - I have been thinking. At my last appointment with my fertility specialist in Ann Arbor - we were talking about my situation - what had happened with my recent pregnancy - we are still not sure exactly what happened but I am having tests run on me to see if it might have been possible ICP (Cholestasis of Pregnancy). If I am able to get pregnant again and I miscarry again - with no known cause - then I am out of options as far as me getting pregnant again - IVF is not an option - I can get pregnant with fertility help but I just cannot keep a pregnancy. My infertility doctor told me that then my only options would be a gestational carrier (surrogate mother) or adoption - both so expensive - I have read that surrogate moms get paid a lot on top of all the medical bills that obviously we would pay - I doubt our insurance would pay medical bills of someone else carrying our baby. We still would have to check into adoption but we are clueless as to where to begin - what is a legit agency - who to trust... etc... I hate the unknown and not knowing if we will ever have a second child in our home... it is heartbreaking - I just pray that God will shed some light and guide us as to where HE wants us to go - what road to take.

That is it for today!!! I am trying to deal with a horrible sinus infection at the moment - Yuck!!