Getting a bit nervous

Yep... I admit I am getting nervous for my surgery on Friday - I know it is very routine but just the thought of being put under scares me... I talked with the nurse today and she said surgery should take about 1 hour and 40 minutes - that seems like a long time... she said it might go quicker than that - maybe that is the time slot they have saved for me.. whatever the case - I am getting a little scared about the whole thing. I have to go to my doctor on Thursday because I seem to have a bit of a cold and they want to make sure my lungs are clear because they don't want to put you under if your congested - I am ready to have this over with - I know recovery might not be much fun for the first few days but I am kind of happy that I have a good week or more off work - hopefully I can just relax and let Mike take care of me!!

Surgery

Next week Friday, October 3, I will be having hernia surgery.. can you believe it?? What more can we add to 2008?? I just found out today at my Dr's appointment... I am fine with it now but when I first learned that I might have a hernia a couple days ago at my OB appointment - I about lost it, poor Mike came home from work with me crying - I was just thinking when will this end? I am just ready to have a good year and hope 2009 will bring that. On a good note - I am thankful that this is only a hernia - I was scared as to what was going on - I found this lump a few months back but thought nothing of it - it would go away and then come back but the past week is has gotten worse - it doesn't hurt - just really annoying and obvious, I was scared of what it could be... so I am glad it is something that is correctable... it just sets us back a little bit but that is okay. Pensacola is sounding really good right now - I wish we could leave today for vacation!! My doctor told me that I would have to take about 10-14 days off from work.. does that seem right? I can't imagine it would take me that long to recover... I just hope this goes okay - I am a little nervous!

A good weekend...

This weekend was busy but very fun... we traveled to Holland... On Saturday...Mike and I, along with is family moved his parents from their house into a beautiful apartment that was so made for them - we are so happy for them and are excited to visit them again in their new place! We then had my cousins wedding to attend that evening - it was such a beautiful wedding - the weather was perfect and the setting was beautiful - an outdoor wedding in a beautiful park. My cousin, who got married that day, showed everyone at his wedding how much he truely loves his new bride - it was so amazing to watch him standing up front with the minister noticing everyone sitting in the crowd but soon as he saw his bride - he attention and focus was immediately on her and that very moment - it was awesome - God totally made Himself known on that day!!

It was so much fun catching up with family at the reception - having a few drinks and dancing - it was fun! It really was nice having a weekend where my mind was focused on happiness instead of sadness - to just let loose was really nice!! Eventhough it was a busy weekend - it was relaxing also... mentally!!

On another happy note - we are officially going to Florida for Thanksgiving!! Mike and I really wanted to get away for that week.. being what was my due date... Thanks to our friend and pastors wife... we now have a beautiful condo to stay at in Pensacola - on the ocean with beautiful beaches... we are SO excited and so blessed that this came our way... to be able to have a vacation that won't cost us an arm and a leg - we are SO grateful.. thank you to Trina and her parents for doing this for us!!

Well.. that is it for now - it was just really refreshing to have a good weekend and I am very thankful for that!!

Here are a few pics from the wedding that I thought I would share...

Me with My Dad


Mike and I


Me with Marianne

A God Moment

I was putting Brevin to bed a couple nights ago and everynight he says his bedtime prayer: "Jesus, thank you for today, thank you for my work and play, Bless me as I sleep tonight.. keep me always in your sight". After he said his prayer... he was running his fingers through my hair and asked me if I said a bedtime prayer.. I answered without thinking "Yes I do"... he then looked at me said "no you don't mom". Wow.. did that hit me.. my prayer life has taken a big hit... I guess you could say - I go nights without saying a prayer... I go days without saying a prayer.. talking to God or anything like that. I remember after I had Troy, the following morning.. a nurse gave me a basket full of stuff - one thing that was in that basket was a journal. I tried writing in it but I am horrible at writing - I always have more to write than my hand allows me to write.. my hand gets sore and I lose my thoughts because I can't write fast enough - I would rather type which is why I started this blog. I know of a few people that have a prayer journal and I have always wanted to start that. After I put my son to bed that night - I immediately thought about this journal from the hospital - I am going to make that my prayer journal - just write down names of those that need prayers and prayers of my own - short notes. I know God gave me this idea - he knows I am struggling with my relationship with Him since I had to say goodbye to my little boy and maybe this is a way to help restore that relationship with Him... I know I need Him in my life - more now than ever...I am going to give this prayer journal a try.

I wanted to put down the lyrics of a song by Casting Crowns - the words have SO much meaning to me but I honestly cannot listen to the song - it just makes me sob to no end but I do know that I need to praise God in this storm - I am thankful for all the friends and family that God has put into my life - I could not get through this without them and for that.. I praise God!

Praise You in This Storm
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Prayer request...

I can't believe September is already here - Brevin starts school tomorrow - I start aiding once a week in his school (for a different class) - I got all my fall decorations out and decorated my house - Fall is my favorite time of year - my favorite season yet all I can think about at the moment is that I should have been 7 months pregnant - there are days where I am doing fine but then days like today where all I can think of is why.. why did this happen.. why did Troy have to die.. why did God let this happen - not having answers makes me sad and makes me angry sometimes - I may never know why but all I can do is take comfort knowing that Troy is with God - he is happy and loved in Heaven and I know I will see him again one day - I just pray that God will give me more peace in this... I pray that I will not lose sight of God because honestly I feel like I am fading away somewhat and it is hard finding my way back so those who might be reading this - if you could pray that my relationship with God grows stronger - that I get back on track again and that God shows me how to do that.. also that I would focus on what I have... my wonderful husband and son, Brevin... and not focus on what I don't have and what I want so badly... I would SO appreciate it!! I know God is there for me and waiting for me to come to him but I think I am so wrapped up in this grief that I cannot get my way through... tomorrow will be a better day.. I know this - God will see me through!!

To my precious Troy
There is honestly not a single day that goes by where I don't think of you... you are on my mind constantly and I miss you so much! I wish you were here with us but I know you are in God's loving arms and looking down on us. I hope you know how much you are loved and missed. Sending a kiss and a hug to you!
Love,
Mommy