January 26, 2009

I honestly don't know what to post but it has been a while... we are back with our infertility doctor - trying to figure things out and moving forward - I'm both excited and extremely scared... just not sure what to think of all of this but we will see what happens. I am super busy this week - we are short on staff at the gym so I am working every night this week plus Brevin has a Nature Center trip on Wednesday morning... I get to go with him - that should be fun and then I work in his classroom on Friday - I am hoping for a very relaxing Saturday!

January 7, 2009

I feel horrible - it was brought to my attention by a friend of mine that I have been really pulling away.. they thought I was mad for some reason because I have not been communicating as much as I used to. I seriously don't mean for it to come off this way.. I know I have been more to myself and not really keeping in touch with friends... I am still on this emotional rollercoaster - I have up and down days... It is really hard not knowing if our future holds anymore children for Mike and I... wondering if Brev will be an only child which I never wanted to happen but I have NO control over that... I feel like no one understands that sometimes because so many that I know have no problems having babies and they don't know what it is like to feel this way... so I guess I feel alone in this and that is why I have been pulling away from friends... I just don't want anyone to feel like I am mad because that is not what I am. I am just still searching for some kind of peace in all of this - I will be honest that it is very hard to find... I just hope this year will bring more ups than downs... that is my prayer to God... that no matter what happens.. that I can see the positives in my life.

The New Year

Christmas came and went so fast... like it does every year. I did MUCH better through it all than I thought I would... the Christmas Eve service was a little tough - lots of people there with their infants and just hearing the cries from those babies really hit me hard because I kept thinking about how we should have had a crying baby with us also... that was truely hard - I did run in to a co-worker at that service... someone that I used to work with 5-6 years ago and she thought I had 2 children so I explained briefly what had happened and I really about lost it. I thought of Troy the whole time through Christmas - all the parties that we had and how I missed SO much that he was not there with us. Even Mike broke down and told me how much he misses Troy - I think we both have that feeling of just wanting to hold him one more time... wishing we could have spent more time with him... also wishing I had more pictures of my sweet little boy. I so appreciate all the cards that we received during the holidays just saying that we were in the thoughts and prayers of those around us... I may have mentioned this before but I never was much of a card person but I really am now - I keep every single one - it is just such a comfort to me... knowing that others have not forgotten and are still thinking of us. Thank you!!

I got the most precious gift this year from Mike... a bracelet that says "A Mother holds her childrens hands for a short while but their hearts forever"


The other precious gift that I received was a necklace from Brevin - Mike took him shopping and that is what he wanted to get me and he picked out the necklace all by himself - it is a necklace that has 2 hearts on it... Brev told me when I opened up my gift that everytime I look at my necklace I can think of all the good things I have done for him... what a sweet thing for a 4 year old to say.... those 2 hearts on that necklace resemble to me the hearts of my 2 sweet boys.

Well...I am so ready for this new year - I just hope and pray that we will have more smiles and laughs this year than we did last year. I really want to renew my relationship with God as it has honestly been really rocky this past year... something I really need to work on!!

Here are some pictures from our Christmas this year...








I do wish everyone a very happy and healthy New Year!