June

June is here.. already... a month I honestly have been dreading. I can't believe it has been almost a year now. A year since I gave birth to our little boy and had to say hello and goodbye the same day - it was on Friday, June 13, Father's day weekend. I get asked if being pregnant helps coping through that loss.. and to some extent it does but it does not erase the memory of what Mike and I went through that day - that day is still SO clear in my head - the emotions of that day are still with me. I still tear up everytime I think of Troy and still wonder what would have been. It is still really hard not knowing what happened... why he died. It was the hardest thing to hold our son, lifeless.. to be able to touch him but then having to let him go. Our dreams were crushed that day but our love for that little boy will always go on.

So, June 13 is fast approaching - I get asked what we are going to do that day and I honestly don't know.. I don't know what to do.. what is the right thing to do.. what is the wrong thing to do. I have some family coming into town that weekend that I haven't seen in a long time and there is going to be a family party on that Sat. June 13 at my Uncle and Aunts house.. on a lake - we always have such a good time when we go there. Part of me wants to go but then will I feel guilty if I have a good time. Part of me wants to stay home but will I just be depressed all day long - I can't do that with my 4 year old. Whatever I do.. I know that day - a year ago is going to be playing out in my head - knowing what I was doing each hour of that day, from the minute that ultrasound showed no heartbeat.. to the minute I checked into the hospital.. to the minute the Dr. induced labor... to the minute I gave birth to Troy.. to the minute I held him in my arms.. to the minute I had to say goodbye to him. It will be a hard day no matter what and I almost wish someone would just tell me what to do but I know that is my choice. I just want Troy to be remembered and not forgotten.. I know I won't forget but I think I have a fear that others will?? Not sure if that makes sense or not.

Hopefully I will figure out what to do but for now.. I just want to get through this month. I miss my little man so much!!

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 5:7
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.