October 31, 2008

Halloween day for some reason was really difficult for me - it was just a day that I was so teary - I was so looking forward to taking Brev trick-or-treating but I just could not focus on that during the day - I was just heartbroken knowing that November was the very next day... I know that the more time that goes by - the easier it gets to get through the day but my heart is still so broken... I don't know if that will ever change or not... I miss Troy.. I miss being pregnant - I miss feeling him move - I felt him move only 2 days before I knew that he had passed and I am just heartbroken that he didn't get to live.. he never got to look into my eyes. I think that coming into November just really hit me that the month I was due with Troy is now already here.. and how fast it came. I received a card in the mail on Halloween day... it was perfect - I know that God knew I was having a hard day and receiveing that card was awesome... it was from my cousin and his wife - knowing that November was going to be a hard month - they remembered and sent a card saying they were thinking of us. It is amazing how God works... I am still in this spinning cycle with not feeling content - not knowing if I will ever carry a baby again... not knowing if we will be able to adopt or not... not knowing if we will be able to give Brevin a sibling... but knowing that God is still there and helping us through, giving us wonderful family and friends to help us and support us... I could not get through all of this without them. I just hope and pray that God will make it clear to us what we need to do next - I am getting frustrated doing nothing right now because I don't know what to do and each month that goes by seems like another month waisted and I don't want to continue feeling this way.